Ok, after that long post of virtually unedited writing, here is another bout of unedited writing for you. I'm trying to finish this fast. I started writing this at work after having a conversation with a friend over text. The ret has been added in a slight rush to get it posted tonight.
Okay, I need to set goals again. I need to have a vision for up here. I've gotten in this cycle that is comfortable where I make a lot of social plans but outside of that and work, I'm not doing much to finish moving forward with my life. I need to do that. I have ideas and paths I've worked out for myself. I just need to decide which path to take and start figuring out what I need to do. I got into this cycle before and I want to continue growing as well as have fun, work, and generally live my life. I'll keep you all posted on what changes I decide to make and what goals I plan to set.
So after my last post I got a lot of text messages. One of these sparked a long conversation that I'm glad I had. This friend brought up the question, "if you're not in any rush to be in a relationship, why do you always post about it?" I don't think I fully answered her in text, but I figured I could post about it. I really am not in any rush to be in a relationship, though I think subconsciously I miss the feelings associated with being in a relationship. I know it has been a long time, but still...once you know what it feels like to have companionship, it's hard to forget how nice it felt. I had 4 years of companionship and while the messy relationship part I could live without, I miss having that person. The person I could always confide in...someone to share my day with, someone who will empathize with the stresses of my day. I know I miss the physical aspects, having someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or stargaze with. I really miss just laying under the moon and reading with someone. So while I'm not in any rush to find a "boyfriend" I do miss the feelings that come with companionship. The kind that just can't be filled by one of my female friends. I also think part of it is I miss being able to be weak. I just remember always having to be strong and hold my ground, but with that one person I could be completely at ease. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, even though nothing ever happened.
So that was kind of weird...this was where I left off at work...I think I'll decide to leave all of that in this post....I dunno, I just started writing and that all came out I guess. I can't remember where I was going with that, but maybe since since I allowed myself to think about my subconsciousness all of those thoughts came up...because I don't really think a lot about all of that. I don't constantly long for that feeling again. It would be nice to have, but I really never know how things are going to end up. I do know that lately at random times I feel a random emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I can't correlate any of the events quite yet, some things are adding up though.
In other new news...I am racking up the overtime this week. I like that I won't have to worry about finances for the next period. Let's see how things go. I got to listen to one of my calls today and it was weird and very enlightening at the same time. I think it helped a lot to hear myself and I might ask to do it again a few weeks down the road.
shoot....I really need to sleep....more some other time.
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