To clear things up...I use this blog to get out my thoughts. I get out all of my thoughts, the good, the bad, and the iffy. I never promised this would be a blog of happy-go-lucky posts. I do have a ton of happiness, but I also have anxiety, fears, worries, etc. This is my outlet. This is where my thoughts come out. I'm pretty open, ask me questions....if I don't want to share I won't, but don't be afraid to ask. Some parts of my life I'll only go into detail in private conversation. Some things don't need to be public view...also some people still judge for things that have happened to me. People assume that because most people can't handle hardships that anyone who has hardship is broken. Yes, I am broken sometimes, but it does not affect how I live my life as much as it did when it was happening....and I don't use it as an excuse for doing things in the present. I am a puzzle that has pieced back together after being torn apart. I take pride in the beauty that has been my life and I wouldn't change a thing.
On to the updates.
It's days like today that follow a blog post like the one last night that keep me thinking. It's kind of frustrating...now that I wrote all of that about my thoughts, now it's hard to suppress those thoughts again. It's days like today that I would come home to one of those strong, male hugs that could fix anything. I could use a hug like that right now. A hug that is more like an embrace...one that makes every worry melt, a hug with meaning. I want one of those right now more than anything. I can do things and have fun, those things will cheer me up, I will smile and laugh and it will work, but right now I'm alone and all I want is the kind of hug that will make all of my worries fade away.
Dang...I opened the floodgates last night and let thoughts come out that I haven't thought in a while. This sense of longing won't go away right now. And now it is more obvious. I get that nasty empty pit of my stomach feeling when I think about it. These thoughts don't make me cry, and talking about them really helps...so don't stop talking to me about things...just someone should give me a hug, a really good hug. I know it won't be the same, but a friendly hug is better than no hug at all.
Geez I sound like a sad sap right now, and now I'm fighting my anxiety...the part of me that wants to delete all of that so I don't sound like an emotional wreck. I really am not an emotional wreck and my last relationship wasn't as traumatic as you might think...(I won't disclose it on here because that person's family reads this and it would not be fair)
Aside from all of that, back to talk of work and life and stuff. What is the answer? 42. What should I bring to work? My towel. What shall I drink? A plastic cup filled with a liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Can you tell what book I'm reading at work? if not, you are clearly inferior =]
I do have some stresses going on at work. Today I had a call that made me get up and walk to our Manager station to say "What the heck is going on?!" and I was so frustrated and so adamant to keep myself professional that I cried....I couldn't express my anger and frustration in any other way....if I didn't cry, I might have been fired for melting the face off the supervisor with my words....I kept it professional. It will be resolved. I'll have a blast this weekend and go back to work on monday refreshed and ready to go. You'd think after all of this I'd like my job less, but that is not the case. I know that the situation was a fluke and I know jobs have their stresses, it just makes my day not so much fun while I deal with it all.
In other news...I'm losing so much weight! most of my pants don't fit me anymore...I can actually wear shirts I couldn't wear before. I fit into my skinny jeans....I'm happy about it. Then some jerk-hole is comparing me to another girl in the cafe at work...I don't think he thought I could hear him...but he basically said he'd never be interested in someone my size, no matter how nice I was, but the other girl (who was a known wretch) he said he'd try and get with her. Ok, I might even understand a little bit if the guy talking wasn't twice if not three times my size. I was so mad! I made it known that I heard him without saying a word. I glared and walked away. I am less insecure about my weight than I was 80lbs ago...but it's people like that that make me so angry.
Shoot, I've got to go.
He's a shallow bugger. You wouldn't want to him anyway. :)
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