Today has been so uplifting and just plain amazing. I may have woken up late, but so many good things happened at work. I got great customer surveys, and for things that most people get bad scores for. I got another great call coaching, I had fun with my coworkers...it was just a wonderful day at work.
To top it off, played some rock band, pwned at some D&D, and got a bunch of productive stuff done. I am so happy with today.
I've also been thinking a lot about all my talk about hugs. I really do have some great friends who give great hugs. I think the best hugs from any of my friends is a tie between Bethany and Jem. I can't break the tie because they each have their own reasons for being awesome. I miss seeing Bethany more, but I love the blips of time I get to see her when I pop down to Salem. Jem is a great listener, if I annoy the snot out of him, he doesn't show it so I don't think I do =] and he gives awesome hugs to boot. You both rock my socks.
In other news, money is tight, but I'm working things out. I love all the contact I'm having with the family that is talking to me right now, and I can't wait for it to continue. More drama about family, but I try not to make that too public.
I need to make this short, I REALLY have to sleep. I just needed to *squee* about my day =]
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Stuff of Olde
When I was 20 I was asked to write about where I wanted to be in ten years. I found that sheet of paper. I remember writing it and it encouraged me, thought I'd share =] It won't look as cool because I can't edit it the same in here, but the words are what matter. I wrote it in blurbs as if I was in that time =]
The year is 2018.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Celebrate the big three-OH!
I am unique...trul unique.
I'm free, I'm playful, I'm confident.
I'm just happy being me.
No longer hiding behind the illusions thread by little twists of reality.
Through an internal transformation I am becoming a better woman in every way.
Exploring the great relationships I come upon in life.
Married with a kid and happier than ever.
A sweet, sexy, funny, curious, and creative mother.
Gotta have my reading room.
Books made a difference in my life.
Life is a river of words that I float along.
The world is a mirror that shows beauty and change.
Knowledge is power.
It is good to be grown up.
I'm still learning as life throws its punches.
Sometimes it takes more than the moon and the starts.
The mind is truly magical, a surprise inside every one.
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.
I am the author and publisher of my own success story.
Committed to forgiving the people of my past in heart and mind.
God is the center and saving me from my mistkes, giving me a fresh start.
I have overcome my asthma, depression and the barriers associated with my ADHD and Anxiety.
It's O.K. to want in life.
A lifetime of learning leading to my success in Psychology.
Meetings, deadlines, and projects are a big part of it all.
Helping children with difficulties.
Giving a child something to swing besides his fist.
Striving to teach, laugh, and be there for whoever needs me.
Take a moment because every moment is a place I've never been.
Become part of a family.
A fresh new start.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Forever young.
Hope you enjoyed =]
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Celebrate the big three-OH!
I am unique...trul unique.
I'm free, I'm playful, I'm confident.
I'm just happy being me.
No longer hiding behind the illusions thread by little twists of reality.
Through an internal transformation I am becoming a better woman in every way.
Exploring the great relationships I come upon in life.
Married with a kid and happier than ever.
A sweet, sexy, funny, curious, and creative mother.
Gotta have my reading room.
Books made a difference in my life.
Life is a river of words that I float along.
The world is a mirror that shows beauty and change.
Knowledge is power.
It is good to be grown up.
I'm still learning as life throws its punches.
Sometimes it takes more than the moon and the starts.
The mind is truly magical, a surprise inside every one.
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.
I am the author and publisher of my own success story.
Committed to forgiving the people of my past in heart and mind.
God is the center and saving me from my mistkes, giving me a fresh start.
I have overcome my asthma, depression and the barriers associated with my ADHD and Anxiety.
It's O.K. to want in life.
A lifetime of learning leading to my success in Psychology.
Meetings, deadlines, and projects are a big part of it all.
Helping children with difficulties.
Giving a child something to swing besides his fist.
Striving to teach, laugh, and be there for whoever needs me.
Take a moment because every moment is a place I've never been.
Become part of a family.
A fresh new start.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Forever young.
Hope you enjoyed =]
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Goals
OK! I am going to post this semi-short post about my current goals. Since I'm taking some time off of school to re-direct my life, I want to set some goals to accomplish.
-Look into getting a DSLR.
-Cook 1 new meal a week. Something new that I find in a recipe book or I create. Journal about it.
-post here at least once a week, once a day if I can.
-Check out majors and make sure I am doing what I want to do before I go back
-DO A PRO/CON LIST for majors
-Meet with an advisor
-edit resume again
more to be added, all I can think of off the top of my head.
-Look into getting a DSLR.
-Cook 1 new meal a week. Something new that I find in a recipe book or I create. Journal about it.
-post here at least once a week, once a day if I can.
-Check out majors and make sure I am doing what I want to do before I go back
-DO A PRO/CON LIST for majors
-Meet with an advisor
-edit resume again
more to be added, all I can think of off the top of my head.
Mile-An-Hour Mind
Lots of fun stuff to update on. Well, sort of.
I'll start with work. I'm trying not to freak out about my job. I don't think I will get fired, but I am on a performance plan which means my stats aren't up to par and they want to put me through a specialized training to help me improve. They will listen to three extra calls of mine a week, I have to have someone sit with me and listen to my calls and I listen to them do some calls. It is a program for 7 weeks and if I don't improve, I could be fired. My manager assured me that he thinks that I will be just fine, I just wish my anxiety would allow me to believe that. My anxiety is running like an elephant in my brain and it sucks. What is good for me is that I keep getting call coachings (where they listen to your call and grade you on it) and I get raving reviews. There is only one I have not passed and it was kind of a fluke, but I have gotten 100% on most of the rest, others I will get 89% or 95% which is still awesome. It is just that I'm not getting the customer surveys coming in. It is so frustrating. I'm really trying to be ok with it. When I talk out loud about it I try to be all ok with it but I'm freaking out on the inside. We will see how this goes. I really love my manager, he has my back and I am putting my trust in him on this.
With living in Beaverton it has been hard to keep as strong of contact with people from Salem. Some people put as much effort as I do so it is easy, but others expect me to do all the work. I have been really good about standing my ground on this. I am not letting people abuse my friendship. I really believe that if I am driving 45 miles from Beaverton to Salem and their house is out of my way, I can fully expect them to find a way to come 3 miles to meet me downtown. I am holding true to this, so this is the first time I am not ranting about this. I like it. When people complain they can't argue with my logic. I drove 45 miles and they can't come to see me? yeah they have no rebuttal. lol.
My anxiety is getting manageable. My worst anxiety is geared toward failure so the stuff at work was affecting me pretty bad. Finally I got the courage to talk to my manager about it and he was so awesome. He was glad I talked to him about it because I guess someone else was going through the same thing but instead of talking about it the guy just got so stressed he walked out and left his job. I won't do that, and my manager is up front and honest with me instead of babying me after finding out about my anxiety. It is a great help to me.
Another thing, I love that I am pretty much the counselor to all my friends without being a counselor hahaha. The only thing is at work it makes it kind of difficult. I'm generally seen as a leader in my training group so people come to me to ask for advice but don't want to talk to higher ups when I don't feel comfortable about it because I can't do anything about it, only listen and give advice. Sometimes it involves sensetive HR reportable information and I don't want it to affect my job performance...I also don't want to bail on the people who talk to me. blah. lol. Why do I have to be so dang nice sometimes. =] My manager is giving me advice on that so he is just an all around helper =]
One thing I miss a lot lately is TV. I miss being able to veg on the couch sometimes and watch TV. Hulu is a great help with that, but now TV channels aren't allowing their shows to come online for a week and it sucks when everything is ruined for me before I watch it.
I'm typing this at work....and my mind is just not here today. Too tired. I'll end this here and call it. lol.
I'll start with work. I'm trying not to freak out about my job. I don't think I will get fired, but I am on a performance plan which means my stats aren't up to par and they want to put me through a specialized training to help me improve. They will listen to three extra calls of mine a week, I have to have someone sit with me and listen to my calls and I listen to them do some calls. It is a program for 7 weeks and if I don't improve, I could be fired. My manager assured me that he thinks that I will be just fine, I just wish my anxiety would allow me to believe that. My anxiety is running like an elephant in my brain and it sucks. What is good for me is that I keep getting call coachings (where they listen to your call and grade you on it) and I get raving reviews. There is only one I have not passed and it was kind of a fluke, but I have gotten 100% on most of the rest, others I will get 89% or 95% which is still awesome. It is just that I'm not getting the customer surveys coming in. It is so frustrating. I'm really trying to be ok with it. When I talk out loud about it I try to be all ok with it but I'm freaking out on the inside. We will see how this goes. I really love my manager, he has my back and I am putting my trust in him on this.
With living in Beaverton it has been hard to keep as strong of contact with people from Salem. Some people put as much effort as I do so it is easy, but others expect me to do all the work. I have been really good about standing my ground on this. I am not letting people abuse my friendship. I really believe that if I am driving 45 miles from Beaverton to Salem and their house is out of my way, I can fully expect them to find a way to come 3 miles to meet me downtown. I am holding true to this, so this is the first time I am not ranting about this. I like it. When people complain they can't argue with my logic. I drove 45 miles and they can't come to see me? yeah they have no rebuttal. lol.
My anxiety is getting manageable. My worst anxiety is geared toward failure so the stuff at work was affecting me pretty bad. Finally I got the courage to talk to my manager about it and he was so awesome. He was glad I talked to him about it because I guess someone else was going through the same thing but instead of talking about it the guy just got so stressed he walked out and left his job. I won't do that, and my manager is up front and honest with me instead of babying me after finding out about my anxiety. It is a great help to me.
Another thing, I love that I am pretty much the counselor to all my friends without being a counselor hahaha. The only thing is at work it makes it kind of difficult. I'm generally seen as a leader in my training group so people come to me to ask for advice but don't want to talk to higher ups when I don't feel comfortable about it because I can't do anything about it, only listen and give advice. Sometimes it involves sensetive HR reportable information and I don't want it to affect my job performance...I also don't want to bail on the people who talk to me. blah. lol. Why do I have to be so dang nice sometimes. =] My manager is giving me advice on that so he is just an all around helper =]
One thing I miss a lot lately is TV. I miss being able to veg on the couch sometimes and watch TV. Hulu is a great help with that, but now TV channels aren't allowing their shows to come online for a week and it sucks when everything is ruined for me before I watch it.
I'm typing this at work....and my mind is just not here today. Too tired. I'll end this here and call it. lol.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Not Much to See Here
Ok, not much to post tonight..I think. lol.
Today at work was great on the call front...but I'm being put on an action plan. This is not good. I talked to my boss and he says I shouldn't freak out (easy for him to say) he just is really confident in my skills. Even he doesn't know why I'm not getting the stats in, because he listens to my calls and trusts my knowledge. We will see what happens but it is very nerve wracking for me.
After work I went to my first full counseling appointment in at least 3 months. Yes, I go to counseling, I think it is a good thing. I go for my anxiety, it really is a somewhat debilitating anxiety, I just don't show it a lot. I'm too prideful. It was a great talk with her and it makes me feel great about the choices I've made since the last time we talked. She is so supportive of me, it is nice.
ok, really not much else to say. To part, here is the before and after picture of my hair. I don't know why I look like I do in the before picture, but meh, it's ok. lol. It's just to give an idea of length =]
Today at work was great on the call front...but I'm being put on an action plan. This is not good. I talked to my boss and he says I shouldn't freak out (easy for him to say) he just is really confident in my skills. Even he doesn't know why I'm not getting the stats in, because he listens to my calls and trusts my knowledge. We will see what happens but it is very nerve wracking for me.
After work I went to my first full counseling appointment in at least 3 months. Yes, I go to counseling, I think it is a good thing. I go for my anxiety, it really is a somewhat debilitating anxiety, I just don't show it a lot. I'm too prideful. It was a great talk with her and it makes me feel great about the choices I've made since the last time we talked. She is so supportive of me, it is nice.
ok, really not much else to say. To part, here is the before and after picture of my hair. I don't know why I look like I do in the before picture, but meh, it's ok. lol. It's just to give an idea of length =]
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sputterings and Splashes of Thoughts
(written over two days, forgive if thoughts drift in the middle. lol)
I think the amount of stress I had to deal with on Friday was too much. I slept in, but my mind was still exhausted. I don't like it when that happens. I woke up with a head ache, took some ibuprofen and then slept for a bit longer. When I have a day that emotional (ending in more emotion as I posted) it was just too much I guess. Also, going to bed with such deep emotions running through my head made me have weird dreams. So weird, that I won't repeat them here. The dreams just caught me by surprise. I don't know what to think about them. I never really know how to take my dreams or if I should take anything from them, but I do believe that something in dreams can mean something, it just depends on if you get the right message.
I hacked half my hair off. It was a really refreshing feeling. I don't fully understand why, but it just was. My hair is all even now, my highlights still remain a little at the bottom. I think I'll dye them purple. I don't know what else I was going to say here, oh well. =]
Today is Sunday and I have to say those thoughts of longing didn't bother me today. My attempts to suppress them again seem to be working. I know I'll still think them and feel them until that void is filled again, and that is alright, but they aren't at the forefront of my vision like they have been for the past few days.
I had a lot of fun today. Played Magic with Jem and rock band, then we went to Portland. Our plans were foiled in Portland, so we went to Rainy Day, played two board games and then the Magic the Gathering Pre-Release Sealed Tournament. I failed miserably, but it was fun nonetheless. I did win 1 match and I had a draw for one (meaning we didn't win or lose) and it was my first tournament since I was 14. It went well. I remembered exactly why I loved it for so long. This trend will continue. =]
It was really cool today, Jem and I had a pretty personal conversation, but I didn't feel nervous or anything. I helped me realize some things though. One thing that I didn't realize until now...I couldn't think of many reasons why I liked my ex for so long. It just points out to me how much I was blinded by the connection I felt that we had. We did have a lot in common and were able to be awkward and anti-social together, but I couldn't think of anything today that I would consider to be something worth the amount of time I spent in that relationship. He did give really good hugs and was good at being comforting, but I can have that in friends as well to a point (read last post again to understand that). I'll stop rambling about that, it was just nice to know I don't long after him anymore, that talking about him does not make me miss him anymore. I had never really noticed because nobody had asked about him for a loooooooong time, so I had no comparison.
Last but not least, my anxiety. It sometimes gets worse, with certain people I feel a lot less anxiety. For example, I am always anxious when it comes to annoying people. I always feel like people want me to shut up but won't say anything, or that people don't like my conversation topics and won't say anything. Stuff like that. That is a big generalization, but not enough time to clarify a ton right now. Other times, I worry that people are angry at me and don't say anything. I don't fully understand this...I'll give more info as I do. I do know it makes me more emotional at work because a lot of my anxiety is geared towards my quality of work.....and it is not good right now. =[ Well I think it is, but the numbers don't show it =[
Have fun all, hope you are enjoying these tidbits into my brain.
I think the amount of stress I had to deal with on Friday was too much. I slept in, but my mind was still exhausted. I don't like it when that happens. I woke up with a head ache, took some ibuprofen and then slept for a bit longer. When I have a day that emotional (ending in more emotion as I posted) it was just too much I guess. Also, going to bed with such deep emotions running through my head made me have weird dreams. So weird, that I won't repeat them here. The dreams just caught me by surprise. I don't know what to think about them. I never really know how to take my dreams or if I should take anything from them, but I do believe that something in dreams can mean something, it just depends on if you get the right message.
I hacked half my hair off. It was a really refreshing feeling. I don't fully understand why, but it just was. My hair is all even now, my highlights still remain a little at the bottom. I think I'll dye them purple. I don't know what else I was going to say here, oh well. =]
Today is Sunday and I have to say those thoughts of longing didn't bother me today. My attempts to suppress them again seem to be working. I know I'll still think them and feel them until that void is filled again, and that is alright, but they aren't at the forefront of my vision like they have been for the past few days.
I had a lot of fun today. Played Magic with Jem and rock band, then we went to Portland. Our plans were foiled in Portland, so we went to Rainy Day, played two board games and then the Magic the Gathering Pre-Release Sealed Tournament. I failed miserably, but it was fun nonetheless. I did win 1 match and I had a draw for one (meaning we didn't win or lose) and it was my first tournament since I was 14. It went well. I remembered exactly why I loved it for so long. This trend will continue. =]
It was really cool today, Jem and I had a pretty personal conversation, but I didn't feel nervous or anything. I helped me realize some things though. One thing that I didn't realize until now...I couldn't think of many reasons why I liked my ex for so long. It just points out to me how much I was blinded by the connection I felt that we had. We did have a lot in common and were able to be awkward and anti-social together, but I couldn't think of anything today that I would consider to be something worth the amount of time I spent in that relationship. He did give really good hugs and was good at being comforting, but I can have that in friends as well to a point (read last post again to understand that). I'll stop rambling about that, it was just nice to know I don't long after him anymore, that talking about him does not make me miss him anymore. I had never really noticed because nobody had asked about him for a loooooooong time, so I had no comparison.
Last but not least, my anxiety. It sometimes gets worse, with certain people I feel a lot less anxiety. For example, I am always anxious when it comes to annoying people. I always feel like people want me to shut up but won't say anything, or that people don't like my conversation topics and won't say anything. Stuff like that. That is a big generalization, but not enough time to clarify a ton right now. Other times, I worry that people are angry at me and don't say anything. I don't fully understand this...I'll give more info as I do. I do know it makes me more emotional at work because a lot of my anxiety is geared towards my quality of work.....and it is not good right now. =[ Well I think it is, but the numbers don't show it =[
Have fun all, hope you are enjoying these tidbits into my brain.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Longing
To clear things up...I use this blog to get out my thoughts. I get out all of my thoughts, the good, the bad, and the iffy. I never promised this would be a blog of happy-go-lucky posts. I do have a ton of happiness, but I also have anxiety, fears, worries, etc. This is my outlet. This is where my thoughts come out. I'm pretty open, ask me questions....if I don't want to share I won't, but don't be afraid to ask. Some parts of my life I'll only go into detail in private conversation. Some things don't need to be public view...also some people still judge for things that have happened to me. People assume that because most people can't handle hardships that anyone who has hardship is broken. Yes, I am broken sometimes, but it does not affect how I live my life as much as it did when it was happening....and I don't use it as an excuse for doing things in the present. I am a puzzle that has pieced back together after being torn apart. I take pride in the beauty that has been my life and I wouldn't change a thing.
On to the updates.
It's days like today that follow a blog post like the one last night that keep me thinking. It's kind of frustrating...now that I wrote all of that about my thoughts, now it's hard to suppress those thoughts again. It's days like today that I would come home to one of those strong, male hugs that could fix anything. I could use a hug like that right now. A hug that is more like an embrace...one that makes every worry melt, a hug with meaning. I want one of those right now more than anything. I can do things and have fun, those things will cheer me up, I will smile and laugh and it will work, but right now I'm alone and all I want is the kind of hug that will make all of my worries fade away.
Dang...I opened the floodgates last night and let thoughts come out that I haven't thought in a while. This sense of longing won't go away right now. And now it is more obvious. I get that nasty empty pit of my stomach feeling when I think about it. These thoughts don't make me cry, and talking about them really helps...so don't stop talking to me about things...just someone should give me a hug, a really good hug. I know it won't be the same, but a friendly hug is better than no hug at all.
Geez I sound like a sad sap right now, and now I'm fighting my anxiety...the part of me that wants to delete all of that so I don't sound like an emotional wreck. I really am not an emotional wreck and my last relationship wasn't as traumatic as you might think...(I won't disclose it on here because that person's family reads this and it would not be fair)
Aside from all of that, back to talk of work and life and stuff. What is the answer? 42. What should I bring to work? My towel. What shall I drink? A plastic cup filled with a liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Can you tell what book I'm reading at work? if not, you are clearly inferior =]
I do have some stresses going on at work. Today I had a call that made me get up and walk to our Manager station to say "What the heck is going on?!" and I was so frustrated and so adamant to keep myself professional that I cried....I couldn't express my anger and frustration in any other way....if I didn't cry, I might have been fired for melting the face off the supervisor with my words....I kept it professional. It will be resolved. I'll have a blast this weekend and go back to work on monday refreshed and ready to go. You'd think after all of this I'd like my job less, but that is not the case. I know that the situation was a fluke and I know jobs have their stresses, it just makes my day not so much fun while I deal with it all.
In other news...I'm losing so much weight! most of my pants don't fit me anymore...I can actually wear shirts I couldn't wear before. I fit into my skinny jeans....I'm happy about it. Then some jerk-hole is comparing me to another girl in the cafe at work...I don't think he thought I could hear him...but he basically said he'd never be interested in someone my size, no matter how nice I was, but the other girl (who was a known wretch) he said he'd try and get with her. Ok, I might even understand a little bit if the guy talking wasn't twice if not three times my size. I was so mad! I made it known that I heard him without saying a word. I glared and walked away. I am less insecure about my weight than I was 80lbs ago...but it's people like that that make me so angry.
Shoot, I've got to go.
On to the updates.
It's days like today that follow a blog post like the one last night that keep me thinking. It's kind of frustrating...now that I wrote all of that about my thoughts, now it's hard to suppress those thoughts again. It's days like today that I would come home to one of those strong, male hugs that could fix anything. I could use a hug like that right now. A hug that is more like an embrace...one that makes every worry melt, a hug with meaning. I want one of those right now more than anything. I can do things and have fun, those things will cheer me up, I will smile and laugh and it will work, but right now I'm alone and all I want is the kind of hug that will make all of my worries fade away.
Dang...I opened the floodgates last night and let thoughts come out that I haven't thought in a while. This sense of longing won't go away right now. And now it is more obvious. I get that nasty empty pit of my stomach feeling when I think about it. These thoughts don't make me cry, and talking about them really helps...so don't stop talking to me about things...just someone should give me a hug, a really good hug. I know it won't be the same, but a friendly hug is better than no hug at all.
Geez I sound like a sad sap right now, and now I'm fighting my anxiety...the part of me that wants to delete all of that so I don't sound like an emotional wreck. I really am not an emotional wreck and my last relationship wasn't as traumatic as you might think...(I won't disclose it on here because that person's family reads this and it would not be fair)
Aside from all of that, back to talk of work and life and stuff. What is the answer? 42. What should I bring to work? My towel. What shall I drink? A plastic cup filled with a liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Can you tell what book I'm reading at work? if not, you are clearly inferior =]
I do have some stresses going on at work. Today I had a call that made me get up and walk to our Manager station to say "What the heck is going on?!" and I was so frustrated and so adamant to keep myself professional that I cried....I couldn't express my anger and frustration in any other way....if I didn't cry, I might have been fired for melting the face off the supervisor with my words....I kept it professional. It will be resolved. I'll have a blast this weekend and go back to work on monday refreshed and ready to go. You'd think after all of this I'd like my job less, but that is not the case. I know that the situation was a fluke and I know jobs have their stresses, it just makes my day not so much fun while I deal with it all.
In other news...I'm losing so much weight! most of my pants don't fit me anymore...I can actually wear shirts I couldn't wear before. I fit into my skinny jeans....I'm happy about it. Then some jerk-hole is comparing me to another girl in the cafe at work...I don't think he thought I could hear him...but he basically said he'd never be interested in someone my size, no matter how nice I was, but the other girl (who was a known wretch) he said he'd try and get with her. Ok, I might even understand a little bit if the guy talking wasn't twice if not three times my size. I was so mad! I made it known that I heard him without saying a word. I glared and walked away. I am less insecure about my weight than I was 80lbs ago...but it's people like that that make me so angry.
Shoot, I've got to go.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
In Other News
Ok, after that long post of virtually unedited writing, here is another bout of unedited writing for you. I'm trying to finish this fast. I started writing this at work after having a conversation with a friend over text. The ret has been added in a slight rush to get it posted tonight.
Okay, I need to set goals again. I need to have a vision for up here. I've gotten in this cycle that is comfortable where I make a lot of social plans but outside of that and work, I'm not doing much to finish moving forward with my life. I need to do that. I have ideas and paths I've worked out for myself. I just need to decide which path to take and start figuring out what I need to do. I got into this cycle before and I want to continue growing as well as have fun, work, and generally live my life. I'll keep you all posted on what changes I decide to make and what goals I plan to set.
So after my last post I got a lot of text messages. One of these sparked a long conversation that I'm glad I had. This friend brought up the question, "if you're not in any rush to be in a relationship, why do you always post about it?" I don't think I fully answered her in text, but I figured I could post about it. I really am not in any rush to be in a relationship, though I think subconsciously I miss the feelings associated with being in a relationship. I know it has been a long time, but still...once you know what it feels like to have companionship, it's hard to forget how nice it felt. I had 4 years of companionship and while the messy relationship part I could live without, I miss having that person. The person I could always confide in...someone to share my day with, someone who will empathize with the stresses of my day. I know I miss the physical aspects, having someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or stargaze with. I really miss just laying under the moon and reading with someone. So while I'm not in any rush to find a "boyfriend" I do miss the feelings that come with companionship. The kind that just can't be filled by one of my female friends. I also think part of it is I miss being able to be weak. I just remember always having to be strong and hold my ground, but with that one person I could be completely at ease. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, even though nothing ever happened.
So that was kind of weird...this was where I left off at work...I think I'll decide to leave all of that in this post....I dunno, I just started writing and that all came out I guess. I can't remember where I was going with that, but maybe since since I allowed myself to think about my subconsciousness all of those thoughts came up...because I don't really think a lot about all of that. I don't constantly long for that feeling again. It would be nice to have, but I really never know how things are going to end up. I do know that lately at random times I feel a random emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I can't correlate any of the events quite yet, some things are adding up though.
In other new news...I am racking up the overtime this week. I like that I won't have to worry about finances for the next period. Let's see how things go. I got to listen to one of my calls today and it was weird and very enlightening at the same time. I think it helped a lot to hear myself and I might ask to do it again a few weeks down the road.
shoot....I really need to sleep....more some other time.
Okay, I need to set goals again. I need to have a vision for up here. I've gotten in this cycle that is comfortable where I make a lot of social plans but outside of that and work, I'm not doing much to finish moving forward with my life. I need to do that. I have ideas and paths I've worked out for myself. I just need to decide which path to take and start figuring out what I need to do. I got into this cycle before and I want to continue growing as well as have fun, work, and generally live my life. I'll keep you all posted on what changes I decide to make and what goals I plan to set.
So after my last post I got a lot of text messages. One of these sparked a long conversation that I'm glad I had. This friend brought up the question, "if you're not in any rush to be in a relationship, why do you always post about it?" I don't think I fully answered her in text, but I figured I could post about it. I really am not in any rush to be in a relationship, though I think subconsciously I miss the feelings associated with being in a relationship. I know it has been a long time, but still...once you know what it feels like to have companionship, it's hard to forget how nice it felt. I had 4 years of companionship and while the messy relationship part I could live without, I miss having that person. The person I could always confide in...someone to share my day with, someone who will empathize with the stresses of my day. I know I miss the physical aspects, having someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or stargaze with. I really miss just laying under the moon and reading with someone. So while I'm not in any rush to find a "boyfriend" I do miss the feelings that come with companionship. The kind that just can't be filled by one of my female friends. I also think part of it is I miss being able to be weak. I just remember always having to be strong and hold my ground, but with that one person I could be completely at ease. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, even though nothing ever happened.
So that was kind of weird...this was where I left off at work...I think I'll decide to leave all of that in this post....I dunno, I just started writing and that all came out I guess. I can't remember where I was going with that, but maybe since since I allowed myself to think about my subconsciousness all of those thoughts came up...because I don't really think a lot about all of that. I don't constantly long for that feeling again. It would be nice to have, but I really never know how things are going to end up. I do know that lately at random times I feel a random emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I can't correlate any of the events quite yet, some things are adding up though.
In other new news...I am racking up the overtime this week. I like that I won't have to worry about finances for the next period. Let's see how things go. I got to listen to one of my calls today and it was weird and very enlightening at the same time. I think it helped a lot to hear myself and I might ask to do it again a few weeks down the road.
shoot....I really need to sleep....more some other time.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Epic Post of Epic Length
This was all posted in various times and updated randomly. Forgive the mess, just posting it. lol. the part after the line was all written today.
I haven’t typed one of these up in a while. There is so much to update about and so little time to do it. I’ll do my best…bear with me…feel free to ask questions or for more details. There will be more than one post. I am typing this into word, I do not have internet right now so it is getting hard to post. I didn’t date earlier posts so I’ll try to incorporate them into what I update about.
Job: I love my job. Yes, there are complaints and office politics almost always have some sort of negative to them, but I still love my job. There are some stresses, like if there aren’t enough calls coming in then people get sent home and I’ve been sent home a lot of that. (It is not a reflection of how I am doing, but a reflection of what time I get off, so no worries there) the main issues are me not having enough money and also me not having enough calls to have customers give surveys to so it could effect that.
Other things with work are good. I have gotten 8 call coachings (where they record my call and score me on it. )I passed all but one of them so I’m doing well there. I have had 6 customer surveys and those aren’t going so well because of how they word the questions. The customers will rate me as a 9 on average, but they rate their overall experience in regards to that issue as a lower number. All the ones I got low scored on for the overall process were due to an agent before me. I did everything right but I was fixing a previous agent’s mistake so it hurt me in the end =[
I love my coworkers, I love my manager, I love my hours, and I love what I do. It’s not a dream job or even close to what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I do love it.
Boys: This department could use some work. I think I’ve kind of given up on the guy I like. Not in the sense that I have closed that door…but I think I’ve made myself pretty clear without using neon signs, and either the guy has no guts to say anything or he isn’t interested and I am sticking to my guns that I won’t ask a guy out anymore. To add to that, I keep thinking that the more I get to know him the more I think we’d just be better friends. Oh and if I haven’t explained this before, my reasoning for not asking a guy out anymore is that me asking a guy out has never really worked. Either it hurts me more in the long run (because they say no and then hate me because I asked them and their friends mock them for it…petty….I know); or the guy doesn’t want to tell me no so we date and then it ends after a while when I find out why he said yes or he just stops showing interest; and the third reason is the guy thought that since I asked him out that I’d “give him some” and since I am not asking him out to “give him some” then he realizes this and dumps me.
Lessons to be learned if a guy that likes me ever reads this: (and for my girls who read this and wonder what goes through my mind when I rant)
1) Just because I say yes to a date does not mean I say yes to sex.
2) I don’t date just to have someone to be with…if after a while I don’t think it will go anywhere, I will bring it up…I already wasted 4 years of my life with a guy that didn’t go anywhere and I won’t repeat that. I’d rather end it sooner than keep holding on wishing something would change that won’t.
3) I hug guys. Yes, even when I’m dating someone. I like hugs, high-fives, leaning on people, and a variety of friends of all genders and personality types. This does not mean I cheat. I don’t cheat.
4) I have never and will never hold my dating history or yours against you. I expect the same. My view of all guys does not change because I had a bad experience with one guy. Just because I had a bad experience does not mean I am “broken” and unable to handle a relationship. Don’t think this of me and I’ll give you the same courtesy. I learn from my mistakes and I don’t let them bring me down.
5) Have some guts to ask me out if you are interested. I will not treat you differently if you ask me and I am not interested. I am still friends with all of my ex-boyfriends, even the one that cheated on me with my best friend. I do not just say this, I hold myself to it. I do not think it is wrong, I do not think it tempts me to cheat, if it didn’t work before, it won’t work later so why lose a great friend over it?
Oh there are probably more for that list, but I’ll stop there.
Friends: I have been hanging out a lot with so many different people and I love it. Gaming, beach trip, random rendezvous, etc. I am sort of getting tired of people raining on my parade though, whining that I never see them saying they want to see me and then not showing it. Here is another list for the friends out there, lol. (this list will be the last time I say some of this, just because I’m tired of making the same rant. If people can’t get it, I’ll stop trying.)
1) Don’t tell me you want to see me or hang out with me just to make me feel loved; I don’t need the false advertisement. I am really not in dire need of friends, I don’t pride myself on how many friends I have, I pride myself on how strong my friendships are.
2) Don’t expect me to always come to you, ESPECIALLY if you never come to see me. For my Salem friends, if I just drove to Salem, you could have the decency to meet me somewhere that will help keep it convenient for me. I try to see a lot of people when I come down to Salem and if everyone expects me to come to them, I’m going to stop it. I can’t afford it, I can barely afford my trips to Salem much less having to drive all the way out south and then back or way out east when my meetings are downtown or West Salem. Just because I bridged the 50-mile gap does not mean it all of a sudden becomes convenient for me to drive everywhere. And I do see some people every time I come and that is because they either live or work in or close to downtown so that IS convenient.
3) WE don’t have to see each other to be friends. One of my closest friends is in Australia and I’ve never met her. I know I grew up with a lot of people and I make a lot of friends, but the best ones will still be there even when lives get busy, paths separate, etc.
4) Do not, I repeat, do not make me feel bad for hanging out with my other friends. I am so tired of this and I’m tired of repeating this as well. If I post about how much fun I had with so and so, BE HAPPY FOR ME! Do not say “OH why didn’t you invite me?”, Or “when are you going to hang out with me?” I hate this. DO NOT make me feel bad for living my life. It’s a two-way street, it looks like there is construction on your side and if it keeps up, I might just make my side into a dead end.
Again, probably more to be there, but ah well…next topic.
Home life: My roommate is the best I’ve had. I am not just saying that because she reads this. We have our struggles, but the struggles we have are simple compared to any I’ve had before. And unless she isn’t telling me something, our issues are normal and to be expected with different personalities under the same roof. It’s weird for me though. I’m not used to having a roommate that is my best friend. We do hang out more now than we ever have, but I still feel bad sometimes because I came up here and jumped into a bunch of groups and meet-ups, our schedules are opposite and when I get home from work I’m always tired and she has done so much around the house and I’m all zombie-Samwise…I’m surprised she hasn’t murdered me in my sleep or blown up at me yet. Blah. Paranoia and anxiety has set in.
TIIIIIRED……Must go to bed now.
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Ok, now I’m just gonna write about topics as I think of them and keep adding more. I don’t know when the internet will get fixed at my apartment but I’m hoping it is soon.
So I had a semi-short conversation with Sara and I feel much better about our situation. I know I need to stop letting my anxiety get the best of me.
I got so stressed I cried at work today. It isn’t really crying, my eyes just got all watery because I was frustrated. I basically got told that the reason I can’t move up is because of things I can’t really control. I am going to try my best to fix it, but there is no guarantee. I got an hour of overtime today but today was so fast paced all of my breaks turned into unpaid work conversations and I was ok with that but I didn’t get to bug Jem and then when I was able to bug him, he was busy. Tomorrow is another day. I do like my job and I'm not just saying this, just voicing my stresses so In don't bottle them in.
I need to get better at scheduling. I am really bad at it. I plan too many things and then I forget and have to cancel on people. I don’t do it a lot, but twice in a month is too much for me. I also want to balance my schedule and give myself time to clean, time to relax, and time to have fun. I just need a planner, but one I will actually use. That is an explanation for another time.
Next on the agenda, I’m thinking of getting a bike to ride around instead of drive everywhere. I’ll start by riding to work and back and work up my muscles again, but I loved riding before and the only thing in my way is my lack of a bicycle. I think I need to fix this.
I want to post this and I’ll work on updating the rest; hopefully by the end of the night but maybe not until later this week.
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