Yup, it's me again. =]

I’m going to start this by saying, yes, I care too much about what people think of me. I know this, and I hate it. It hinders my life in ways I wish it wouldn’t. This is a step in the right direction. I’m going to broadcast this in every way I know how.

If you’re not with me, you’re without me. I know it might sound stupid, but I hate the saying “if you’re not with me, you’re against me.” That saying only works if I am also against myself, because only then would I let petty crap stand in my way. I have big ideas, and a big life, and I can fit everyone in, but it might not be in the same way some people want or expect it, and that may not be enough for some people. If that is you, I understand, and I’ll never stop caring, just don’t bring me down.

I don’t have to go into a lot of detail to explain one of the normal parts of my growing up. I was made fun of….a lot. Aside from the friends that had stuck with me for most of my schooling, I was an outcast. Not the cool, hip, goth chick that nobody talks to but everyone thinks is bad ass….I was the girl who sat in the back so nobody would realize I was there and they might shut up about me for a period. Not everyone did this to me, but a lot of people…enough that I stopped trusting when people did try to befriend me. I had had enough people pretend to be my friend as part of some cruel joke.

Not until I was partly through high school did I really meet people who helped me open up. My best friend from elementary, middle and high school, Amanda, left because her parents moved. It wasn’t far, but in high school with no car, Aumsville was too far.  In the long run, I began a form of life where I began changing myself to be accepted by others. I changed my outward views, my interests, everything about me until I became someone that I didn’t know anymore. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I realized this was happening. I started a time of identifying me. I’m still doing that to this day. Sometimes I still act in ways that reflect my old ways of thinking out of habit when I say something different. One day it will all align again.

I choose to live by choice, to make changes, not excuses, to be motivated, to be useful, to excel. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I will not run away from my problems because once I have to face them again, they will be twice as hard to overcome. I have fallen many times in my life and needed help to get back up, I resolve to be able to pick myself back up and move on. I am strong and I know it. It’s just taken me a long time to realize it. It won’t all happen just because I said it here, but I have things to work toward. I just want to be me, it involves realizing everything that makes me…well…me.

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On another note…I have said this before, but I’m happy right now. Things are really good. I still have worries, but who doesn’t? I’m not letting them take me over.  Here...I’ll categorize some of it for you all like I normally do.

Home: Living in Beaverton is amazing, but it costs a bit more. We are looking into finding a third roommate. I love Sara and she still is the best roommate I’ve ever had. We notice when we get snappy with each other, we don’t egg on…we stop, back off, do what we were doing and come back to apologize if we feel it was needed. I like our unofficial system of operations =]

Work: I still really like my job. My main stress is that it is really slow and I’ve been losing a lot of hours. I’m finding ways to cut costs and for a while it might mean no car because I can’t afford to pay the insurance right now with my loss of hours and my registration is up which I can’t renew without insurance. So yeaaaaah….I’ve been applying for jobs again hoping to find a job that will give me the hours I need to catch up.

Friends: This is probably the most frustrating part right now…I’m dealing with a lot of crap from people for not being a good friend. I really am getting tired of repeating myself. “IT’S A TWO WAY STREET.” I have a lot on my mind most days, I am not that girl who sits on my phone texting EVERYONE hello at the beginning of the day. I never will be. Don’t give me crap because I have fun with other friends than you. I moved away, again, I understand that, if you can’t handle the distance then goodbye.

Relationshippy thing: I don’t think there are words that are good enough in my mind to explain. I’m happy…genuinely happy. When I’m with him I feel at ease. I don’t worry that he thinks I’m a psycho. I don’t spend my time wondering if he thinks I’m too this or too that. I mean, for a while I would tear myself down saying I was too fat for him…but he has never said anything or done anything to make me think that. (While I do want to lose weight, still keeping in line that I’m doing it for me and not for anyone else is really important to me.)

It’s comforting to know that we’ve both had opportunities to be there for each other to just be there, nothing more. On top of that, I feel like we can both be open with each other and nothing will change. He spoils me, and for a while I would feel guilty that he’d pay for things for me, but he told me not to. I’m still working on that, but for the most part, I think I’ll be able to accept it. When I really think about it, he isn’t just giving me things…he is paying for things that will allow us to hang out and do things together that we both like to do. Something that has stuck with me for a few days now is a conversation we had. On my birthday he told me he got me something but was waiting for it to come in the mail. This last weekend I had a dream that involved that train of thought and when we were talking about it I said, “Why did you tell me you got me something, now I’m freaking curious.” =] he said it was because I’d wonder why he didn’t get me anything. When I said I wouldn’t wonder that because I never expect to get anything from people besides my mom and dad. He said I should. I don’t think I said anything after that, if I did I don’t remember. I don’t know why that surprised me, but it did. (He got me tickets to see Wicked, by the way. Another thing we can do together. I really like that. I cherish experiences more than money or physical things. Memories are worth more to me.)

So yeah, I’m happy. When we hug, I don’t want to let go. When I open my eyes and I see him, it makes me smile. I feel safe, warm, happy, and playful. He listens to me and he holds me when I need to be held. When I tell him about my problems, it’s not because I’m complaining, it’s because I trust him. I trust that he’ll know when to chime in, he understands when I just need to vent and a hug will do, and I trust that what I say to him stays with him.

Did I mention I’m happy? =] With the hits that come, I’m glad I have support, form Jem, from Sara, from my mom, and from my sister…I’m glad I have the friends that will deal with my crazy, random, all over personality, and I’m glad I can finally say I’m happy with the ups and downs as they come.

Sorry it takes so long to update this….enjoy it while it comes.

Yay for Newness...

I’m trying to update this more often again, that last post just too long and took too much to get out. Lol. By the time I finally had it finished, everything needed updates again. So let’s try being on top of this again and see how it goes. Work is always a fun one for me so we’ll start with that. I know sometimes I make it seem like my work sucks, but I really do like my job. My anxiety makes me freak out more than a normal. There haven’t been a whole lot of calls that have made me so stressed out that I have had to walk away from my desk, only two or three as far as I can remember, and I’ve taken thousands of calls(I’m not even exaggerating. I take an average of 120 calls a week and I’ve been here for about 24 weeks now almost.) So out of that many calls, if there are only 2 or 3 that have made me so frustrated or stressed that I’ve had to walk away, I’d call that pretty good.

For those that have had to deal with me while I’m in those situations, thank you for two things: 1) for being there and 2) for not mocking my anxiety. I know I’m being stupid sometimes, but sometimes I just need to rant and then when I hear myself, I know how unreasonable I am being and I’ll figure it out. Just having people there that will listen and just be there; that helps. It’s really hard to change the way my mind works, but I’m trying my best to work with it. Now that I know how to filter, it’s getting easier, but it is still hard. I have people who are there when I need a hug and some people who understand the situations because they deal with them too. I just appreciate all the support I’ve got. This is my first call center job and even though I’ve worked a lot of customer service jobs, call centers seem like the worst. People don’t have a person in front of them, so I am not a person to them…I am the broken piece of equipment and they are mad. Sometimes people don’t care if their issue gets resolved, they just want to yell at someone. Sometimes letting them vent and then showing empathy helps and I am really good at calming customers down, but for those that still think I am an xbox…all I gotta say is I wish I was that thin =]

All in all, work is really good. The things that I worry about are normal and that’s new for me. Finally I get to go back to my old schedule of working in the mornings. End of the month, can't wait.

Roommate stuffs…sometimes I feel like I’ve been such a horrible roommate, but I know I'm just over thinking things.... I’ve been trying to take advantage of this whole new schedule thing and working from noon to 9. This way I basically hang out with Sara in the morning and other people I plan with at night since I don’t have to wake up uber early. The only thing is, when I hang out with people (pretty much been the same person a lot, but I’m working on it), I generally stay the night because I’m not good at driving tired and I don’t want to risk crashing, and I like the sleepover part too hehehe. I just need to be better at time management so I wake up and go home to hang out with Sara and do stuff at home. I just don’t like being so time constrained and having a shift in the middle of my whole day messes with me. Grrr. Sara has been amazing and I wubs her to pieces. Best roommate I’ve ever had. WE are past our 6 month mark and we haven’t had an argument yet. We’ve gotten snappy before, but usually only during a certain time of the month, lol. And I think I’ve finally stopped worrying so much about what she thinks of me. I really do hate how my mind works, but I’m noticing that I am winning in some areas and I don’t freak out so much about what she is thinking now and I like that. I hold content that if she had any issues, she’d talk to me and I don’t stress anymore. Yay =] Soon I go back to my old schedule and can plan things =] I just wish she didn't work on my days off....it makes it so hard.

Sorry for the uber cryptic relationship portion of my last post, it probably won't get better. Mostly because I don't always share a lot about stuff like that because people assume things and I really hate that. We had our little talk and things went really well. Of course, I freaked out about it because I feel that I am incapable of communicating effectively. I wrote out my thoughts without going back to edit them and gave it to him, he read it and clarified. Basically nothing is going to change and I am happy. I didn’t want anything to change, that was what the freakout was for…I was afraid that things would change by "talking" because the sitgma is that a "talk" in a relationship means things need to change. I just wanted to know what he was thinking and I have a bit more insight now. Yep, still not a lot of information fro you all, there are some things I keep to myself. lol. If you want to know more, feel free to ask. <3

For fun stuff, I've started watching Dr. Who. I just finished the episode in season 1 with the German Air Raids and the guy I quess who is from Torchwood? I dunno. I wasn't impressed in the beginning with the show, but it is getting much better with each episode. I tried watching Grimm, still not too enthused about that one...we'll see. I still play lots of rock band <3, and I'm trying to get better at more than the vocals...Jem is too stinking good, I feel inferior, lol. I'll stick it out on hard for now until I can get it through my thick head to stop strumming the hammer ons and pull offs, otherwise I'll always fail. Been playing a lot of board games. Dungeon Petz is a new favorite of mine, it is soooooo stinking cuuute and really thinky as well.

Other fun stuff....I keep winning concert tickets on the radio but not being able to go to the concerts. This needs to change. Also, Wicked is coming back to Portland in March and I want to try to go! Who's with me? Hmm...what else? Once my finances are in check, I'd really like to invest some spare funds into rennaissance outfits so I can be more active with SCA again. March is going to have an event in Portland that I'd really like to go to if I can manage. There are closets for people to borrow garb and I want to find that up here so I can be prepared. It's a masquerade ball which would be so much fun and with the old dances I'd love to finally learn. That is the kind of dancing I like, the mideval dances that I did when I was a kid. I want to learn again sooo bad!

I think that's it for now. If you think I'm forgetting anything, comment and I'll add =]