Emotion

I get so emotionally attached so easily. I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing. Need to figure out how to make it stop. It happens with so many people and not always the good ones. And with a couple people, something happens so soon that makes me doubt and almost cry. Gah! I'm not thinking about this anymore. I'm in Connecticut and I'm going to enjoy my time.

Here's to Today

I know it's been a while and my posting has been sporadic. I've just had a ton going on. I'll try to catch you people up, but it's hard to remember everything that happens sometimes.

NaNoWriMo: I passed the 50,000 mark and I'm loving it. My novel is currently at 63,064 words. I have until June to edit it, and if I do, I get 5 free copies this year from CreateSpace which means I can send my mom a copy. =] I freaking love my novel so I am optimistic that I will actually edit it this year. I still haven't finished it. I'm about 3/4 of the way to the end. all this time the ending has changed in my mind, but I think it's pretty solid now =] Jem and Sara are still a constant wealth of inspiration even though they probably aren't trying...just random situations, conversations, and random crap like that get me thinking and then writing. My manager Dion has added input without knowing it as well, it's fun =]

Work: Lots of randomness tied to work. I was so excited to be taken off the performance plan only to be told I'm still going to be on it for another 2 months. It's hard to explain sometimes, but the customer surveys I've been getting that are negative have been mainly out of my control. If you take out all the crap ones I have, I meet the goal. Even my manager agrees with this. I'm glad he at least has my back. I'm just stressed about it, almost to the point that I might look for another job just in case. I know I have time and my manager said that if he ever thinks it might come to a point where I have to worry, he'll give me notice before he starts fighting for me so I at least have a lot of warning. I'm hoping it never comes to that because I really do love this job even with the random stresses.

Home: I haven't been home a lot, I have been out at meetings, working, with Amber, gaming, etc. It's been fun and eventful and sometimes sad and tiresome, but it's my life and it's been a blast. Once November is over I'll regain some of my life back. Every gap I've had has been filled with writing, even if it meant going to my own place and writing. I've been thinking of things I want to do with Sara since I can never think of anything, I've been trying to, so here goes:
-explore nature park at night
-get her to play rock band (bwahaha)
-christmas cookies
-letterboxing (once I have ink and a new stamp)
-frolic in the rain
-Pittock Mansion with Christmas Lights
-pick out Charlie brown christmas tree
-did I mention frolic in the rain? =]
-find a show we both like and can watch together when we(mostly me) don't feel like going outside or exerting energy
-more to come

Nerdy: SO MUCH GAMING! It makes me smile. DnD, Board Games, Rock Band, and soon Portal =] I freaking love it. Jem is going to introduce me to Portal officially....(I apologize to Sara in advance) This might suck up some of my life for a while, but I need to be strong and not let it. I just have always wanted to play, and A TON of my friends are ALWAYS talking about it and now I need to get in on it. Next nerdy thing, Big Bang Theory and Dr. Who. Marathons coming soon with a Samwise near you. I want to watch these so bad.

The Loneliness: So after all my being lonely whines and all that fun stuff, I found someone to ease that. lol. It's a bit of a long story and I won't go into the details of how the situation came to be. I don't fully know what it is yet...I don't know a lot of things. This is the time of exploring, having fun, and seeing what happens from here. A few who have seen us together have asked "What are you?" I hate that question. I also hate putting labels on relationships. The general public loves labels and loves assuming one thing or another because of these labels. I like to go with the flow, make my own definitions and go from there. So again, something is there, but that's for me to know and you to find out if you're lucky. It's weird how my mind works to write this knowing he is going to read this at some point, lol. I guess my mind filters more than I thought, hahaha. (did any of that make sense? my mind filter is making things not make sense, ah well)

must go to bed.......

Blah

I've been uber productive today and I'm proud of myself. <3

On another note, and I know it's sad and depressing and I'm not fishing for compliments so don't give them unless you mean them, not just because I'm whining here....but today I feel especially fat and ugly. I don't know why but I saw my reflection and was disgusted with myself =[

off to go cook dinner.

A Whole Lot of Random

Working on updating more again, lol. Let's see how this goes.

I couldn't move much at all yesterday until around noon or 1pm, called in sick to work and tried to set a Dr appt, but the first dr appointment I could find was in January. Anyone know any Doctors in my area that might be taking patients sooner? As far as I can tell I'm going to have to go to Urgent Care on Saturday when I get paid. For those that have not been around since it all started, my back had been causing me a lot of problems. I have been trying to see a dr about it for a long time. I get tired of having to change doctors and have to explain it all over again. I jusst want my back to stop hurting so I can do all my normal activities. Right now it hurts to reach down far enough to put my pants on sometimes and don't even think about tying my shoes. Yeaaah...hopefully I'll be better sooon.

It pretty much isn't going to work out with that guy I went on a date with. His schedule is completely opposite of mine, so I don't even know how we'd be able to hang out at all. About the other guy I mentioned...I'm still in the same boat. Don't know how to say anything or even if I should say anything. See, when I thought I liked the guy I was talking about a couple months ago...the options were that he was dense or not interested, I stuck it out with not interested. I'm not being so blatantly obvious with this guy (or maybe I am, I have no clue) but regardless, I do know I like this guy...I have been thinking of why I keep hesitating or something...I think I know, but not well enough to be able to explain it on here. lol. The funny part is, I'm not even actively "looking" or whatever...either I'm getting set up, or I get some spark or something that makes me start thinking...I don't know if these sparks really do mean what I think they mean, but I guess I learn over time.

more later. gotta go

Been a long time....

Hey, so it's been a while since I've posted in here and I don't have much time, but I'll give it a shot.

Work is still fun, normal stresses I guess. I get off my performance plan on Thursday.

I went on a date last night. It was nice, he is a nice guy...but after thinking about it, I don't know how optimistic I am. That and my heart still feels strongly for someone else. Someone I didn't expect, but we'll see if anything comes of that. I want to tell that person, but certain complicating factors keep me from doing so. I wish I could just go up and say, "hey, I like you. It's cool if you don't feel the same, but it'd sure help me to know where you stand." lol. I guess I can't find the right words, or the right time...maybe there isn't any of either. It's a complicated situation.

I'm going to connecticut in December, Colorado in February, and hopefully Australia in March. =] It's going to be a fun next few months lol.

I can't think of more to say. NaNoWriMo is doing ok. Jem and Sara, whether they know it or not, have been my muses a lot of times. Thanks guys =] If I ever publish it, I'll mention you bwahahaha.

Overwhelmed

I feel so overwhelmed lately. I don't fully know how to explain it...my brain can't form the words, I just all of a sudden felt this sense of being overwhelmed. there are so many things that I need to take care of, but a lot of them can't be taken care of yet...and I'm behind on my stuff at home and I feel like I'll never catch up. I'm behind on everything...my word count, my chores, my letter to Cate, fixing things like my car and my co-workers car, RCR stuff and everything......There just need to be more hours in the day until I'm all caught up. I still keep forgetting to go to the post office and figure out why all three of my address changes with them haven't gone through.

To top it off, I'm freaking out about finance for one reason or another...not because I don't have enough, I'm just tired of feeling the weight from living paycheck to paycheck and I want to catch myself up a bit....so I'm going to be working a boat load of Overtime over the next few months...I think I just need to stop freaking out....I need hugs....i'm going to need a lot of hugs.....my stress is bringing me to tears a lot....i don't show it..I'm too dang strong for my own good, but holding it in all day gets to me and I crack when I'm laying in bed ready to sleep...I just don't have someone to hold me as I cry myself to sleep.

I know i seem kind of melodramatic, but my mind over-reacts a lot........