Uuuuuuber Long Post

Wow, sorry I’ve been so far behind on this, I have so much to talk about, so be warned, hahaha. This is going to be loooooooooooooooooong.

November: NaNoWriMo ended with a bang. I won with over 60k words….now lets see if I can edit it. Lol. We’ll save that for after the new year. November was a crazy month and as much as I love it, I also sometimes wish I were better at time management. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good at time management.

Work: Still a lot of stress tied to work. I had a really great co-worker pass away in a freak accident. That made a week of my stats totally bomb, it was my goal last week to get them back up to par. I think I succeeded, I know I am pretty good at my job, I just wish so much of my job wasn’t tied to the customer surveys. Or I guess how they are done. I can’t speak much about that in detail, but they might lose a hard and dedicated worker over something that can’t be controlled. I don’t care how much people say “there’s always more you can do to make the customer happy.” I call their bluff. Sometimes the customer’s are just mad idiots. I had a Kudos call (where they ask for my manager to tell them how awesome I am) turn into a negative survey. I have them rave about me in the comments but it isn’t reflected by the score they gave me.  I don’t think this survey system should go away, I know a bunch of people who have been fired because of them and I really think that they weren’t good at their job, but I’m seriously trying here. I’m asking everyone how they word things, how they explain things, I’m listening to my own calls to try and see how I can help myself, nothing seems to be changing and it’s getting me more freaked. As stressful as it can be, I really do like this job and I’d like to keep it for a while.

In other work news, I applied for a promotion. Because of everything in that last paragraph, I don’t know if I will get it. I am qualified for the job, and I hope they see that and maybe it will shine through. It can’t hurt to try, it just gets my name up there. For other stuff, I love the group of people I work with. We are a bunch of crazy nutballs and it makes my job seem less stressful when I have a group of people to talk to and can know that others are going through a lot of the same stuff as me. I have high anxiety towards my performance, I already know this and it makes me a bit more high strung about it, but I deal. I know two people who have quit because they couldn’t handle it, and I’m not there, so I’m holding strong and I’m proud of myself.

(Edit of new stuff since I typed that up: I talked to my manager and it looks like my stats are in the green right now. Including customer surveys. Things are looking up in that dept. =] )

Reading: I’ve been trying to read a bunch more. I’m working on it and getting back to my old level. I used to read at least a book a week and now I’m lucky if I read more than one a month. One cool thing is the book club I started going to. I’ve only been once and I failed at reading the whole book, though I’d read it once a long time ago. I hope it inspires me to read more and that I actually do it. Also, I’ve been reading with Jem(correction, he is reading to me =]) a series by Catherynne Valente and she is such an amazing writer. I’m so freaking astounded that I had never heard of her before he showed her to me. I want to read everything she has ever written now. There are so many books I want to read, I just need to get on it.

I also want to find a little hole in the wall bookstore that I can love as much as the one in Salem that I used to go to that closed down. I don’t know how to describe it where it will be as awesome but I’ll try. The smell of it was homey and of old musty books, I loved it. The shelves were from floor to ceiling and all full of books but not all neat and orderly…well they were in order, but not by size like most places. The shelves ran down the hallways and all into the various rooms. It was like an awesome maze of books. I loved it sooo much.

My goal right now is to read Paradise lost in the next 2 weeks as well as Looking Backward either in that time or at least by the end of the month. I want to get caught up and read more =] Oh and I’m reading Jem’s copy of Paradise lost because Amazon hates me and doesn’t help when trying to find the right books. I got 3 copies of books that I am not happy with in the last month. I still need to go complain lol.

Me vs To-Do lists: I don’t do them well. I don’t think this is something I can fix, lol. Maybe it is, I dunno. It’s a matter of remembering to put things on the list and then doing them. I’m also bad at time management and planning. I’m good at forgetting that I wanted to make plans with people and then they get all butt-hurt. This leads into….

Friends: I’ve been looking over my friends and I like what I’ve been doing. I’ve been slowly whittling out the friends that aren’t good for me so I can hang out with the friends that are good for me. Something that people need to know is, it’s still a two way street. You can’t get upset with me for not making plans if you don’t try as well. It still mostly happens with my friends from Salem. I get guilt-tripped because I post about doing all this awesome fun stuff and people are like “I miss you, why do we never hang out.” Well…because you don’t ask either. I’m tight as it is on finances, I go down to Salem for meetings and I try to see people then, but I can’t see the same people every time or I’ll never get to see other people and then some other people get mad because I was in Salem and didn’t see them. C’mon, people….you have cars too….carpool and come see me. I don’t have anyone to carpool with to pitch in for gas….lots of you do have people that can share the gas cost to come see me. I know I’m the one that left, but if any of you talked to me long enough to see how happy I am up here, you’d stop complaining that I left you. I was miserable in Salem unless I was hanging out with people and you can’t always have people with you. Up here I’m happy whether I’m alone or with people.

Confidence: I’ve gained so much more confidence in myself and it’s awesome. I was kind of able to start fresh when I came up here. It allowed me to establish myself as who I am instead of who everyone else has perceived me to be. I could have changed my name if I wanted, I even thought about it…but I didn’t. I’m just being me, and I like it. The confidence seems to make it easier for people to like me because I don’t change aspects of myself to suit others, I just don’t care about differences. Differences with people are what keep us interesting and if we were all the same, that would be boring. We don’t all need to like the same things or think the same way, but we do need to respect others, and I always will.

Finances: I thought I was doing so well on finances, but there are some things that need taken care of still. So I ask for help, anyone know a car shop that will take payments on fixing a car? I still need to get my coworkers car fixed and I seem to be horrible at setting the money aside, but I know that if I had payments I’d make them. It’s who I am. When I set money aside, it’s hard because something always seems to come up. I haven’t spent more than I have yet, I still am setting money aside, but I don’t have enough to outright pay for his car to get fixed yet. I also need to get my car fixed….I just need to get the hood fixed and the rest I can do. I know how to change my fluids, brakes, and tires…I just need to get that dang hood fixed. Things cost too much money.

Biking: I’m hoping to save some money by biking, this will also help me lose weight I hope. I bought a bike; I have shoes to bike in. I have taken my bike for a spin and now it’s back in my car because I went to a friend’s house with it. I need to get a freaking bike lock, I just haven’t gone to get one yet. I’m bad at procrastinating and then forgetting things.  I’m also self conscious because I know I’m fat and I have asthma and as much as I want to bike WITH people, I’m worried I’ll drag others down somehow….we’ll see how this progresses. Buying a bike was the first step, using the bike is step two…I need to get on it.

Weight: This has always been a struggle with me. I’m becoming more confident in my own skin and I think I really needed to be ok with myself before I could realistically do anything about my weight. I can’t try and lose weight out of depression around being fat, because then I’ll never lose weight fast enough and then get depressed again. I had to become comfortable in my own skin and lose weight because it will benefit my health, not just so I can look “better.” Most of the time I think I look beautiful, no matter what my size. Beauty is not determined by weight. A lot of times, though, society bleeds into my thoughts and I look in the mirror and get so disgusted with myself. I wonder how a guy could possibly be able to wrap his arms around me and not think I’m a fat tub of lard. It’s been happening a lot more recently, even though I have no reason to think that. It’s just frustrating that I can’t always help what I think and if I let myself, I can get caught up in those thought processes. I haven’t let myself get stuck in that thought loop, but the fact that I still think it is still not good. When you’ve thought something for so long, even though you’re ok with yourself, it’s hard to not think old thoughts out of habit. I’m working on it, and as slow as it may be, I will be ok =]

Gaming and Geekiness: I love gaming so much. I am such a geek and I love it. Board games, Rock band, Portal, and much more; I love it all. I started playing Portal and it’s addicting and fun =] I also started playing a new game last night called Desktop Dungeons and it’s so basic yet so addicting. Lol. Did I mention I love rock band? You’d think I’d be tired of it by now, but nope, I still love it. I’ve been playing a ton of new board games and they have almost all been amazing. Mage Knight is my current favorite of the ones I’ve been playing. A Game designer named Vlaada Chvatil is the guy who makes most of my favorite games. One day I want to meet him, shake his hand, and say, “Thank you for making my brain expand almost to the point of explosion.” =]

Complacency, Life, Stream U, and Goals: I feel like I’m stuck in a rut with my life. There are so many things I want to do and so many ideas of where I want to be. It seems like all of those goals are right in front of me, but just out of reach. I also don’t fully know where I want to go with my life. I have so many skills and so many things I love to do, but I always think, what if I pick the wrong thing? I’m stuck on all the what-ifs? I’m pretty sure I want to stick with culinary now. I want to learn more about professional cake decorating and baking, I also want to start a restaurant or catering business, or maybe both. My work has a school called Stream U. I got into it and I want to take some classes through that since they are free. I can take some business and managerial type classes through them and those would be really beneficial. I just need to flesh out more ideas and get some things set in stone. I want to feel like I’m doing something again. I am so used to doing full time school and work, but now I’ve slowed down almost to a stop and I’m worried it will stay that way. I’ll work so I can get things done.

Christmas and other Holidays: I still feel like I’m being a downer about all of this, but holidays suck. Sometimes the meaning behind them is good or whatever, but most holidays seem to have lost their meanings. Christmas this year was a lot of people getting me stuff and that’s cool, but it reminds me how poor I am and that I can’t reciprocate. The holidays turn into a political battle of what is politically correct to say and then the others saying “we won’t be politically correct, screw you.” Half the Christians can’t even make up their mind if they think Christmas is actually Jesus’ birthday and whatever. I just give up. I still say that the holidays have turned into a way to get all of us to pay money for decorations, food, travel, and whatnot. I like birthdays, cuz I think everyone deserves a special day…but I stopped getting birthday decorations as much, more I just find ways to hang out and  make that person feel special. I like new years and 4^th of july because I get to blow things up =] Maybe I’m bitter, but whatever. I still celebrate them, just in my own way.

Trips: I want to go on so many trips. I keep saying I want to go to Canada or even Seattle. I just need to get in my car and go. I want to go on a road trip, who’s with me?

Relationship: So this is massively filtered, and there are just some things that don’t need to be shared with the whole world, but I’ll share what I’m willing. =] With the relationship I mentioned in my last long post where I was talking about the resolution to my loneliness is still holding. I don’t know much more than I did before I guess, or maybe I do and just don’t know it. This is all going to sound like a jumbled mess and if you understand it, props to you.

This new thing is…well…new to me. And it’s slightly awkward writing this because I know he’ll be reading it and seeing into my head a little but I have no clue what he is thinking (hoping to change that soon, just gotta ask I guess. Lol) Well, anyway…I’m happy. To me there are still some things I would like to talk about but I don’t know what questions to ask or how to get my thoughts out. And I’m trying to be a little vague here because again, there are some things not meant to be so open about. I don’t know his intent I guess. I have put myself in situations before where what I want is not the same as what the other person wants. I like how our relationship is. Gaming, hanging out, reading, snuggles, dorkiness, random conversations and so on. I like that, I really do. It’s nice to have that really good hug after work and just someone who I can be me around in that sense I guess. I’m surprised he’s not tired of me =] OK, I am pretty awesome, so I guess I see that, hehehe. I worry for myself though because as I said before, I get emotionally invested easily and I don’t want to repeat what I’ve done, by getting emotionally invested in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want the same things. It wouldn’t be his fault, but it’s just who I am. I am really happy though, and if I had a rooftop, I’d shout from it, but I don’t =] It’s just my random thoughts that put a damper on things. A lot of these thoughts could be squashed if I could just think of the right words to say or questions to ask. I’m so much better at writing things, and equally bad about saying them as well out loud.

We’ll see what happens. I’ve gotta go, I’m surprised I actually finished this. I did warn in the beginning that it would be loooooong. If I missed talking about something that you want to hear about just ask and I'll answer =]

Connecticut Part 2

So on my trip I haven’t taken as many pictures as I thought, but that’s ok. I’ve been too busy experiencing it =]. Today Ling and I went on a walk to the farm down the street where most of it is all broken down and worn down. There were a bunch of cats and it was kind of sad, but the kitties were so cute. I think I saw 4 different cats, but I only got pictures of three different cats. I took some really cool pictures of the barn and the road. Everything is just so pretty here. 

We got back at the same time my aunt and cousins showed up. I was really nostalgic and all, but we got to hung and catch up a lot. We went to the Empire Buffet, a tasty Chinese buffet Ling suggested. I think we decided that my personality is a mix between Jessica and Megan, lol. I’m conservative and all, but then a total anime geek =]. I was surprised how much in common Jessica and I had. And Megan and I have other things in common from a different side, it’s just really cool =]. I can definitely find the family resemblance in all of us (from body type, to personality,  even to how the sisters pick on each other is the same) it was pretty cool.

I don’t know who will come to who next, but I know we will keep in touch and see each other again. Maybe I can coax another reunion out of the bunch; that would be really cool. Don’t know how probable that is, but I know Tanya and Amber want to meet everyone and we could plan it on the East coast and somehow it would work. I don’t know. I’ll get my thinkin cap on =]

The second half of my day was spent with some of Ling’s friends from high school. They were some pretty fun girls. We played Imaginiff and talked a ton. It was just really fun and relaxing. I wish I had girlfriends I could be that real around.

Now I’m about to go to bed. Tomorrow we head back to Oregon. To my Oregon friends, and a couple Washington friends…I have been spending a lot of time in my email on this trip….so if you got more emails from me than you’ve ever gotten from me before, I’ll explain when I’m home. Some people on this list are Jem, Ashleigh, Kait, and Mara. It’s a long story, but I won’t be that obsessive again, hahaha. It had nothing to do with you or anything like that, but I just spent a lot of time in my email for various reasons I’m unwilling to post publically about. 

Connecticut So Far

So if you don’t know, I’m in Connecticut right now. It’s so pretty! The flight was uber long, but I slept most of the way. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep this past week and I made up for it all on the flight and then when we arrived. We had a 4-hour flight to Atlanta, ran to our next flight and then flew another 2-hours into Boston, MA. Somehow I was still tired after all of that and fell asleep for the almost 2-hour drive from the airport to Ling’s house. I was awake for some of it, experienced toll roads and we drove through a tunnel that ran under the ocean. That was pretty cool =] There was also a grocery store that went over the highway and lots of trees.

When we got to the house, I woke up and got out. The first thing I did was look up and I was staring up at so many starts shining brightly back at me. I didn’t even have to look to find the big dipper, little dipper, and more constellations. They were all there. At ling’s house there are no street lights or house lights really to block the stars from shining, unlike at home where I can hardly ever see the stars due to city lights. I can’t get over how amazing that was =]

After all that sleeping, I didn’t think I could sleep more, but I slept for 8 more hours. When I got up, Ling’s mom was making a Thanksgiving feast (This was for Ling since she wasn’t home for Thanksgiving) All of it was so good! They had Turkey, steamed potatoes, steamed butternut squash, steamed broccoli, turkey gravy from giblets, home made stuffing, and apple pie. I was in Heaven =]

Ling and I went around town after that. She took me to the farm she used to work at and it was awesome =] I met the O’Leary’s and they started the farm, they were this old couple and the best old couple ever. The husband was so happy we came, said we made his afternoon. It reminded me of the old guys that call my tech support because they need someone to talk to. It was cute =] After that she took me to the milking area and I got to see cows get milked. That was a totally new experience for me and the cows were so nice! It was a great educational experience.

After the milking area, Ling took me to the creamery, which had ice cream, but we didn’t get any then. We met Kristen, the owner of the farm now. She was pulling lavender to sell for cooking. I love cooking with lavender so we had a ton to talk about. It was all so awesome. Bauman farms will never be the same again. The last thing we did was go around downtown Putnam. It was a quaint little are and it was all old and antique. We went into an antique store that had a corny little famous people museum of things found in movies. Don’t know how authentic it all was, but it was still fun. The whole place is so pretty.

I guess the whole area is called New England, and New England is known for Steeples and stone walls. I think they look pretty. There are nice trees all over the place and lots of random lakes and swamps. The intersections are all wonky, but fun. It’s a small town if I ever saw one and it’s adorable. Due to it being New England, I had to have New England Clam Chowder. It was really good. We went to a nice restaurant called, My Brother’s Place and the waitress had the most amazing accent. Oh the accents! When people hear I’m from Oregon, it’s funny to hear how they pronounce it. Makes me laugh every time.

Last but not least so far, we had Thompson’s House of Pizza tonight. Ling had been raving about this place all week and everyone I know says I have to get the pizza while I’m here. It really was as amazing as they all said. They give you real Italian sausage slices instead of crumbles, and the cheese is somehow different but amazing. It was really good.

A lot of the things here have been the same has back home, but some fun differences: They still have Dunkin Donuts here, they have “grinders”, sprinkles for ice cream are called jimmies, and water fountains are bubblers.

I need to get some sleep; I’m going to see my cousins and my great aunt Shirley tomorrow. I’m so excited!!

Emotion

I get so emotionally attached so easily. I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing. Need to figure out how to make it stop. It happens with so many people and not always the good ones. And with a couple people, something happens so soon that makes me doubt and almost cry. Gah! I'm not thinking about this anymore. I'm in Connecticut and I'm going to enjoy my time.

Here's to Today

I know it's been a while and my posting has been sporadic. I've just had a ton going on. I'll try to catch you people up, but it's hard to remember everything that happens sometimes.

NaNoWriMo: I passed the 50,000 mark and I'm loving it. My novel is currently at 63,064 words. I have until June to edit it, and if I do, I get 5 free copies this year from CreateSpace which means I can send my mom a copy. =] I freaking love my novel so I am optimistic that I will actually edit it this year. I still haven't finished it. I'm about 3/4 of the way to the end. all this time the ending has changed in my mind, but I think it's pretty solid now =] Jem and Sara are still a constant wealth of inspiration even though they probably aren't trying...just random situations, conversations, and random crap like that get me thinking and then writing. My manager Dion has added input without knowing it as well, it's fun =]

Work: Lots of randomness tied to work. I was so excited to be taken off the performance plan only to be told I'm still going to be on it for another 2 months. It's hard to explain sometimes, but the customer surveys I've been getting that are negative have been mainly out of my control. If you take out all the crap ones I have, I meet the goal. Even my manager agrees with this. I'm glad he at least has my back. I'm just stressed about it, almost to the point that I might look for another job just in case. I know I have time and my manager said that if he ever thinks it might come to a point where I have to worry, he'll give me notice before he starts fighting for me so I at least have a lot of warning. I'm hoping it never comes to that because I really do love this job even with the random stresses.

Home: I haven't been home a lot, I have been out at meetings, working, with Amber, gaming, etc. It's been fun and eventful and sometimes sad and tiresome, but it's my life and it's been a blast. Once November is over I'll regain some of my life back. Every gap I've had has been filled with writing, even if it meant going to my own place and writing. I've been thinking of things I want to do with Sara since I can never think of anything, I've been trying to, so here goes:
-explore nature park at night
-get her to play rock band (bwahaha)
-christmas cookies
-letterboxing (once I have ink and a new stamp)
-frolic in the rain
-Pittock Mansion with Christmas Lights
-pick out Charlie brown christmas tree
-did I mention frolic in the rain? =]
-find a show we both like and can watch together when we(mostly me) don't feel like going outside or exerting energy
-more to come

Nerdy: SO MUCH GAMING! It makes me smile. DnD, Board Games, Rock Band, and soon Portal =] I freaking love it. Jem is going to introduce me to Portal officially....(I apologize to Sara in advance) This might suck up some of my life for a while, but I need to be strong and not let it. I just have always wanted to play, and A TON of my friends are ALWAYS talking about it and now I need to get in on it. Next nerdy thing, Big Bang Theory and Dr. Who. Marathons coming soon with a Samwise near you. I want to watch these so bad.

The Loneliness: So after all my being lonely whines and all that fun stuff, I found someone to ease that. lol. It's a bit of a long story and I won't go into the details of how the situation came to be. I don't fully know what it is yet...I don't know a lot of things. This is the time of exploring, having fun, and seeing what happens from here. A few who have seen us together have asked "What are you?" I hate that question. I also hate putting labels on relationships. The general public loves labels and loves assuming one thing or another because of these labels. I like to go with the flow, make my own definitions and go from there. So again, something is there, but that's for me to know and you to find out if you're lucky. It's weird how my mind works to write this knowing he is going to read this at some point, lol. I guess my mind filters more than I thought, hahaha. (did any of that make sense? my mind filter is making things not make sense, ah well)

must go to bed.......

Blah

I've been uber productive today and I'm proud of myself. <3

On another note, and I know it's sad and depressing and I'm not fishing for compliments so don't give them unless you mean them, not just because I'm whining here....but today I feel especially fat and ugly. I don't know why but I saw my reflection and was disgusted with myself =[

off to go cook dinner.

A Whole Lot of Random

Working on updating more again, lol. Let's see how this goes.

I couldn't move much at all yesterday until around noon or 1pm, called in sick to work and tried to set a Dr appt, but the first dr appointment I could find was in January. Anyone know any Doctors in my area that might be taking patients sooner? As far as I can tell I'm going to have to go to Urgent Care on Saturday when I get paid. For those that have not been around since it all started, my back had been causing me a lot of problems. I have been trying to see a dr about it for a long time. I get tired of having to change doctors and have to explain it all over again. I jusst want my back to stop hurting so I can do all my normal activities. Right now it hurts to reach down far enough to put my pants on sometimes and don't even think about tying my shoes. Yeaaah...hopefully I'll be better sooon.

It pretty much isn't going to work out with that guy I went on a date with. His schedule is completely opposite of mine, so I don't even know how we'd be able to hang out at all. About the other guy I mentioned...I'm still in the same boat. Don't know how to say anything or even if I should say anything. See, when I thought I liked the guy I was talking about a couple months ago...the options were that he was dense or not interested, I stuck it out with not interested. I'm not being so blatantly obvious with this guy (or maybe I am, I have no clue) but regardless, I do know I like this guy...I have been thinking of why I keep hesitating or something...I think I know, but not well enough to be able to explain it on here. lol. The funny part is, I'm not even actively "looking" or whatever...either I'm getting set up, or I get some spark or something that makes me start thinking...I don't know if these sparks really do mean what I think they mean, but I guess I learn over time.

more later. gotta go

Been a long time....

Hey, so it's been a while since I've posted in here and I don't have much time, but I'll give it a shot.

Work is still fun, normal stresses I guess. I get off my performance plan on Thursday.

I went on a date last night. It was nice, he is a nice guy...but after thinking about it, I don't know how optimistic I am. That and my heart still feels strongly for someone else. Someone I didn't expect, but we'll see if anything comes of that. I want to tell that person, but certain complicating factors keep me from doing so. I wish I could just go up and say, "hey, I like you. It's cool if you don't feel the same, but it'd sure help me to know where you stand." lol. I guess I can't find the right words, or the right time...maybe there isn't any of either. It's a complicated situation.

I'm going to connecticut in December, Colorado in February, and hopefully Australia in March. =] It's going to be a fun next few months lol.

I can't think of more to say. NaNoWriMo is doing ok. Jem and Sara, whether they know it or not, have been my muses a lot of times. Thanks guys =] If I ever publish it, I'll mention you bwahahaha.

Overwhelmed

I feel so overwhelmed lately. I don't fully know how to explain it...my brain can't form the words, I just all of a sudden felt this sense of being overwhelmed. there are so many things that I need to take care of, but a lot of them can't be taken care of yet...and I'm behind on my stuff at home and I feel like I'll never catch up. I'm behind on everything...my word count, my chores, my letter to Cate, fixing things like my car and my co-workers car, RCR stuff and everything......There just need to be more hours in the day until I'm all caught up. I still keep forgetting to go to the post office and figure out why all three of my address changes with them haven't gone through.

To top it off, I'm freaking out about finance for one reason or another...not because I don't have enough, I'm just tired of feeling the weight from living paycheck to paycheck and I want to catch myself up a bit....so I'm going to be working a boat load of Overtime over the next few months...I think I just need to stop freaking out....I need hugs....i'm going to need a lot of hugs.....my stress is bringing me to tears a lot....i don't show it..I'm too dang strong for my own good, but holding it in all day gets to me and I crack when I'm laying in bed ready to sleep...I just don't have someone to hold me as I cry myself to sleep.

I know i seem kind of melodramatic, but my mind over-reacts a lot........

short, but sweet

This is going to be short because I'm tired now.

tonight was kind of frustrating due to certain people over reacting and storming out of our game day, but ah well...such is life. I got over it and had fun the rest of the night.

Was in a TON of pain due to my back, it just keeps getting worse. Jem offered a massage and I accepted, It helped so much. I could have laid there forever...I haven't had the pain in my back stop in so long now I almost cried. I mean, yeah it came back shortly after, but not nearly as strong as I was feeling the pain before-hand. I seriously did not want to leave, lol.

NaNoWriMo starts on Tuesday. I'm stoked. I have this whole outline set out. I'll share tidbits on my blog, keep your eyes peeled =] Remember, it is raw and unedited so no editing it for me. I'm saving the editing of the novel until after November is over.

blah. sleepy. gnight.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, and some other unrelated things

Disclaimer: Some people might not like some stuff in this post. I said before that I will be honest and sometimes I might toe the line, but it is up to me to determine where that line lies and what determines crossing it. If you think you might get offended, please stop now. If you choose to continue, I will not take crap from anyone about these topics...you chose to continue. you have been warned.

Ok, so I have been trying to figure out how to post all of this because a lot of it has been on my mind due to conversations happening lately between me and various other people. Some of it will be reserved for my private blog, but some of it will be here. I'll try to make it readable.

So I don't know what to think in a lot of situations...due to my gutter mind and such, a lot of people assume things about me that aren't true. I'll clear the air. I am a virgin by all definitions in my mind. I was raped in my teens so TECHNICALLY I guess I'm not, but to myself I am. Don't worry about feeling sorry for my situation...I've been over it for a long time and I have no issues talking about it. Also, I did not abstain from sex because I was raped or because I'm a prude. I chose not to have sex before I even had a religion picked for myself. I saw my friends jumping like rabbits and breeding like them too...I opted out due to my own choice, not for lack of opportunity.

 I don't think it is a taboo subject and I think that situation where I was raped has caused a lot of the feelings I currently feel. When people say I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced it, i do sometimes want to just duct tape their mouths shut. When you are raped you may not find pleasure in the situation, but it still causes your body to change and it still causes those hormones to be released that I guess cause you to want to have sex I guess? I don't know. lol. Basically it has been hard for me because no matter what I do people assume things about me. I have a gutter mind so I must be a slut, they find out I'm a virgin and now I'm a prude...someone hears I've been raped and now I'm broken and can never be fixed. (just to clarify, I am not broken or damaged...I do not blame all men for my situation and I do still have the capacity to love) All in all, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. The desire is there, it's hard to ignore, but where things go from here is undetermined.

The second step of the topic title thingy...drugs. I don't do drugs. drugs is a vague word, but yeah. I quit smoking cigarettes almost a year ago. I have smoked pot and consumed foodstuffs with pot in them in the past...not delving into that. Other than that i've never used any sort of drug. I don't even like to take prescription drugs unless it really does help me, but I don't like to rely on them and I'll try to get to a point where I don't have to use them ASAP.

Third, rock and roll. ROCK AND ROLL WILL NOT KILL YOU, it will not make you go to hell either. I make the same argument that I make with books, it is how you interpret it that determines if it will influence you badly. I think fiction is fiction and should be treated as such. I will not censor my reading or listening habits by what the world decides is good or bad, I know my morals and I know my limits...they are not the same as most people and I can deal with that. Don't force your morals on me.

Other unrelated things to the sex, drugs, and rock and roll...work. I am taking on some overtime, I want a lot of it and I'll keep taking it. I think I'm moving on up in the ranks and we will see where things go. I love that my TM has my back, it makes coming to work less dreadful. He really is the best manager I have ever had.

random comment...picking on people does not mean I am flirting with them. Why do guys assume this? XD

I need to go to bed...hope I didn't lose any followers over this...but oh well...I will be me...deal with it.

BLOG ABOUT FACEBOOK

Ok, here is the long-awaited blog about facebook. Sorry it took so long, but I really wanted to flesh this out and some of it needed me to cool off to do so. I thought I would be able to post right away about it, I was wrong. lol. So, to fill everyone in again...I deleted ALL of my friends from facebook. I seriously gave a 5 minute warning to most with my last status, but anyone with an A name really didn't get much of a warning at all. It took me 2+ hours to remove all of my friends and I know it was irrational and all, but it really did help and now I think I won't hate facebook as much.

Here are some of the reasons I did what I did: (THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY LONG) and some of it will be ranty, so ignore any grammar mistakes, etc. Trying here but I just need to get this up.

1) I had 425 friends on facebook. A person can only have so many relationships going on in their life and it is not the same as the amount of friends you can have on facebook. I know people like to keep in touch and all, but how often do you REALLY talk to those people? I spent SO much time saying "I miss you" or "I wish we still hung out" than anything on facebook. I had people on there from Job Corps, High School, Middle School, and even Elementary school. I had derby girls that I never really knew (and some that I do know) I had people from Timothy Project that never talked to me when we were in Timothy Project, but after it was over, they added me on facebook and still said almost nothing. A lot of the Job corps and school friends were like that as well, I never really was friends with them before, but now that we don't see each other, we are friends? It was a messed up and convoluted and it just wasn't good for me. I felt like I had to maintain all of those friendships and it caused me to neglect other friendships....it was just not good all around.

2) I was getting tired of all of the rendom crap I was seeing. I still don't think facebook is a political platform. Mostly because people think that just because it is the internet and they aren't saying it to your face, that now they can be as rude as they want without reprimand. I'm totally fine if people post links to political pictures, comics, or articles...even political websites...but when someone posts random political comments as their facebook status update, it gets annoying. The BIGGEST reason for this is that mosts people update their status out of random passion and without thinking. They do no research and start stupid debates and argue them as if they know what they are talking about. Okay, people...we can tell when you don't know what you are talking about...just because you also have idiot troll friends who debate with you and don't know you are an idiot does not mean you are NOT an idiot. I love healthy debates...debates where both sides are in the know about the topics they are talking about or are at least able to somehow find the right information. Healthy debates include people that might get fired up but won't make personal digs, or take things personally themselves. Debates are supposed to he helpful, not hurtful. I know, I'm part of the 2.45% of the population that thinks this can be possible, but debates don't have to be hurtful or demeaning, they can be fun, informational and such. Sometimes we ae just ignorant and a debate helps us see things in a different light. Ok, I'm gonna stop this portion of the rant and just say that I still don't think facebook status updates are not the place to voice your political/religious debate. People don't have to agree with me. This topic was what was going through my head when I deleted all of my friends from facebook. I had posted a status saying something along those lines, that facebook is not your political platform. And that is my opinion, I am FULLY FREE to think that. Instead of people agreeing or disagreeing they told me that I have no right to infringe on people's freedom of speech, and I am a horrible person because I don't think people should do that, and that if I don't want to read it then don't read it. As if it is that easy. Facebook doesn't allow ou to block posts anymore and if it does, I don't know how to do it. I know how to block posts from pages and groups, but not people. So I was justs saying that I was thinking of just taking people off of my friends list and people said "yeah you should, stop being a jerk" or "yeah you should, we don't want you anyway." I got so much angry hate from people that I was in tears...my FRIENDS were saying these things to me. But of course they didn't have the guts to say it in public, they have to say it in a text or in a way it can't be traced to them publically. So I took everyone off of my facbook friends and decided I'd figure out what to do next once I cooled off (you can replace politics with religion too and the same rant stands) One last thing I'll add to this novel of a topic...IT IS OK TO HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS AND IDEAS, IT IS NOT OK FOR YOU TO HATE ON OTHERS BECAUSE OF THEIRS, I DON'T CARE HOW DIFFERENT OR OUTLANDISH YOU MIGHT SEE IT...HURTING PEOPLE IS WRONG!!!!!

If you are still reading at this point, here are some more reasons I was frustrated with facebook...

3) Privacy and Safety settings...I have been trying to figure out how I can maintain the privacy on facebook. You idiots who say "if you want to keep it private, don't put it on the internet" you people are, well, idiots. I have worked with homeless youth and I'm not supposed to have my facebook stsuff private. It leaves the door open for the youth to misunderstand the relationship you have with them. Some youth I will have on my facebook page, but some I can't for boundary reasons. Now, I'm not going to stop sharing stuff with people because someone might not be able to see it...but facebook used to allow you to keep your stuff private. You could say "friends only" and only your friends would be able to see your stuff. I know how to check the privacy settings and set them. With the most recent update, now if your friend likes or posts on something, THEIR friends can also see it and comment on it, etc. Now you can ask your friends to change THEIR settings, but most won't do it or don't know how to do it properly. Either way, I aquired two stalkers which were old clients and I had a lot of people that they were tied to. So now I have to be even MORE selective of who I add as a friend because private on facebook isn't really private.

4)Miscommunications. I try not to post stuff that could be read wrong unless I'm joking about something. Somehow someone still gets so offended. Or I'll post something and someone will think I'm lesbian. Something completely crazy like that. I've lost friends over stupid stuff like a tongue ring. I was getting really tired of it. I have facebook so I can update a lot of people at once and I also like the sharing aspects. I don't use it to be a rebel or post mean stuff to or about people. People need to stop taking things so freaking personal.

5) Jealousy. I dislike stupid jealousy. When people see posts about me hanging out with someone else and I get messages saying, "You always hang out with so-and-so but you never hang out with meeee." I hate this. It makes me not want to share details about fun times had with friends. What makes me even more upset is the people that complain are the ones that have cars and are fully capable of coming to see me too and don't. These people have no room to whine. I try to hang out with people whenever I can and if I try to hang out with people and they either can't don't have time, don't have gas, or any other random bs excuse, then I'll hang out with the same person I hung out with the day before if they are free. I don't want to hear it. It's to the point that I don't ask people anymore because I'm tired of the excuses. I have no problem if you don't want to hang out even if the reson is "I just don't feel like it tonight", but don't complain to me about never hanging out if you are the one making the excuses. And don't make me feel bad for hanging out with the friends that DO want to hang out with me. Your fake desire to hang out with me does not make me think you love me more, it just pisses me off. 

There is probably stuff that I am missing...but for now those are what came up on the top of my head. If I want to add more, I'll do a facebook blog post part 2. Basically, I like using facebook to update people on how I'm doing. I don't always have time to call or text everyone so it is nice to be able to voice my frustrations, random updates and stuff that I think people might want to know. I like to share pictures and funny things and I like the event planning thing because it can be useful at times. I could deal without the random BS.

When I took all my friends off I was thinking I would stop using facebook for a month or so. I thought it would take me that long to figure out how to block things and get my settings where I want them. It took me less time than that. I cleared out all the groups I don't use. I blocked all the page updates that pop up when you like something. I deleted the random member groups I don't use and then started slowly adding people back. I'm not going through and adding as many people as I can think of. I'm adding people as they come up and going from there.

Let's see how this goes. FB round 2. and GO!