Uuuuuuber Long Post

Wow, sorry I’ve been so far behind on this, I have so much to talk about, so be warned, hahaha. This is going to be loooooooooooooooooong.

November: NaNoWriMo ended with a bang. I won with over 60k words….now lets see if I can edit it. Lol. We’ll save that for after the new year. November was a crazy month and as much as I love it, I also sometimes wish I were better at time management. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good at time management.

Work: Still a lot of stress tied to work. I had a really great co-worker pass away in a freak accident. That made a week of my stats totally bomb, it was my goal last week to get them back up to par. I think I succeeded, I know I am pretty good at my job, I just wish so much of my job wasn’t tied to the customer surveys. Or I guess how they are done. I can’t speak much about that in detail, but they might lose a hard and dedicated worker over something that can’t be controlled. I don’t care how much people say “there’s always more you can do to make the customer happy.” I call their bluff. Sometimes the customer’s are just mad idiots. I had a Kudos call (where they ask for my manager to tell them how awesome I am) turn into a negative survey. I have them rave about me in the comments but it isn’t reflected by the score they gave me.  I don’t think this survey system should go away, I know a bunch of people who have been fired because of them and I really think that they weren’t good at their job, but I’m seriously trying here. I’m asking everyone how they word things, how they explain things, I’m listening to my own calls to try and see how I can help myself, nothing seems to be changing and it’s getting me more freaked. As stressful as it can be, I really do like this job and I’d like to keep it for a while.

In other work news, I applied for a promotion. Because of everything in that last paragraph, I don’t know if I will get it. I am qualified for the job, and I hope they see that and maybe it will shine through. It can’t hurt to try, it just gets my name up there. For other stuff, I love the group of people I work with. We are a bunch of crazy nutballs and it makes my job seem less stressful when I have a group of people to talk to and can know that others are going through a lot of the same stuff as me. I have high anxiety towards my performance, I already know this and it makes me a bit more high strung about it, but I deal. I know two people who have quit because they couldn’t handle it, and I’m not there, so I’m holding strong and I’m proud of myself.

(Edit of new stuff since I typed that up: I talked to my manager and it looks like my stats are in the green right now. Including customer surveys. Things are looking up in that dept. =] )

Reading: I’ve been trying to read a bunch more. I’m working on it and getting back to my old level. I used to read at least a book a week and now I’m lucky if I read more than one a month. One cool thing is the book club I started going to. I’ve only been once and I failed at reading the whole book, though I’d read it once a long time ago. I hope it inspires me to read more and that I actually do it. Also, I’ve been reading with Jem(correction, he is reading to me =]) a series by Catherynne Valente and she is such an amazing writer. I’m so freaking astounded that I had never heard of her before he showed her to me. I want to read everything she has ever written now. There are so many books I want to read, I just need to get on it.

I also want to find a little hole in the wall bookstore that I can love as much as the one in Salem that I used to go to that closed down. I don’t know how to describe it where it will be as awesome but I’ll try. The smell of it was homey and of old musty books, I loved it. The shelves were from floor to ceiling and all full of books but not all neat and orderly…well they were in order, but not by size like most places. The shelves ran down the hallways and all into the various rooms. It was like an awesome maze of books. I loved it sooo much.

My goal right now is to read Paradise lost in the next 2 weeks as well as Looking Backward either in that time or at least by the end of the month. I want to get caught up and read more =] Oh and I’m reading Jem’s copy of Paradise lost because Amazon hates me and doesn’t help when trying to find the right books. I got 3 copies of books that I am not happy with in the last month. I still need to go complain lol.

Me vs To-Do lists: I don’t do them well. I don’t think this is something I can fix, lol. Maybe it is, I dunno. It’s a matter of remembering to put things on the list and then doing them. I’m also bad at time management and planning. I’m good at forgetting that I wanted to make plans with people and then they get all butt-hurt. This leads into….

Friends: I’ve been looking over my friends and I like what I’ve been doing. I’ve been slowly whittling out the friends that aren’t good for me so I can hang out with the friends that are good for me. Something that people need to know is, it’s still a two way street. You can’t get upset with me for not making plans if you don’t try as well. It still mostly happens with my friends from Salem. I get guilt-tripped because I post about doing all this awesome fun stuff and people are like “I miss you, why do we never hang out.” Well…because you don’t ask either. I’m tight as it is on finances, I go down to Salem for meetings and I try to see people then, but I can’t see the same people every time or I’ll never get to see other people and then some other people get mad because I was in Salem and didn’t see them. C’mon, people….you have cars too….carpool and come see me. I don’t have anyone to carpool with to pitch in for gas….lots of you do have people that can share the gas cost to come see me. I know I’m the one that left, but if any of you talked to me long enough to see how happy I am up here, you’d stop complaining that I left you. I was miserable in Salem unless I was hanging out with people and you can’t always have people with you. Up here I’m happy whether I’m alone or with people.

Confidence: I’ve gained so much more confidence in myself and it’s awesome. I was kind of able to start fresh when I came up here. It allowed me to establish myself as who I am instead of who everyone else has perceived me to be. I could have changed my name if I wanted, I even thought about it…but I didn’t. I’m just being me, and I like it. The confidence seems to make it easier for people to like me because I don’t change aspects of myself to suit others, I just don’t care about differences. Differences with people are what keep us interesting and if we were all the same, that would be boring. We don’t all need to like the same things or think the same way, but we do need to respect others, and I always will.

Finances: I thought I was doing so well on finances, but there are some things that need taken care of still. So I ask for help, anyone know a car shop that will take payments on fixing a car? I still need to get my coworkers car fixed and I seem to be horrible at setting the money aside, but I know that if I had payments I’d make them. It’s who I am. When I set money aside, it’s hard because something always seems to come up. I haven’t spent more than I have yet, I still am setting money aside, but I don’t have enough to outright pay for his car to get fixed yet. I also need to get my car fixed….I just need to get the hood fixed and the rest I can do. I know how to change my fluids, brakes, and tires…I just need to get that dang hood fixed. Things cost too much money.

Biking: I’m hoping to save some money by biking, this will also help me lose weight I hope. I bought a bike; I have shoes to bike in. I have taken my bike for a spin and now it’s back in my car because I went to a friend’s house with it. I need to get a freaking bike lock, I just haven’t gone to get one yet. I’m bad at procrastinating and then forgetting things.  I’m also self conscious because I know I’m fat and I have asthma and as much as I want to bike WITH people, I’m worried I’ll drag others down somehow….we’ll see how this progresses. Buying a bike was the first step, using the bike is step two…I need to get on it.

Weight: This has always been a struggle with me. I’m becoming more confident in my own skin and I think I really needed to be ok with myself before I could realistically do anything about my weight. I can’t try and lose weight out of depression around being fat, because then I’ll never lose weight fast enough and then get depressed again. I had to become comfortable in my own skin and lose weight because it will benefit my health, not just so I can look “better.” Most of the time I think I look beautiful, no matter what my size. Beauty is not determined by weight. A lot of times, though, society bleeds into my thoughts and I look in the mirror and get so disgusted with myself. I wonder how a guy could possibly be able to wrap his arms around me and not think I’m a fat tub of lard. It’s been happening a lot more recently, even though I have no reason to think that. It’s just frustrating that I can’t always help what I think and if I let myself, I can get caught up in those thought processes. I haven’t let myself get stuck in that thought loop, but the fact that I still think it is still not good. When you’ve thought something for so long, even though you’re ok with yourself, it’s hard to not think old thoughts out of habit. I’m working on it, and as slow as it may be, I will be ok =]

Gaming and Geekiness: I love gaming so much. I am such a geek and I love it. Board games, Rock band, Portal, and much more; I love it all. I started playing Portal and it’s addicting and fun =] I also started playing a new game last night called Desktop Dungeons and it’s so basic yet so addicting. Lol. Did I mention I love rock band? You’d think I’d be tired of it by now, but nope, I still love it. I’ve been playing a ton of new board games and they have almost all been amazing. Mage Knight is my current favorite of the ones I’ve been playing. A Game designer named Vlaada Chvatil is the guy who makes most of my favorite games. One day I want to meet him, shake his hand, and say, “Thank you for making my brain expand almost to the point of explosion.” =]

Complacency, Life, Stream U, and Goals: I feel like I’m stuck in a rut with my life. There are so many things I want to do and so many ideas of where I want to be. It seems like all of those goals are right in front of me, but just out of reach. I also don’t fully know where I want to go with my life. I have so many skills and so many things I love to do, but I always think, what if I pick the wrong thing? I’m stuck on all the what-ifs? I’m pretty sure I want to stick with culinary now. I want to learn more about professional cake decorating and baking, I also want to start a restaurant or catering business, or maybe both. My work has a school called Stream U. I got into it and I want to take some classes through that since they are free. I can take some business and managerial type classes through them and those would be really beneficial. I just need to flesh out more ideas and get some things set in stone. I want to feel like I’m doing something again. I am so used to doing full time school and work, but now I’ve slowed down almost to a stop and I’m worried it will stay that way. I’ll work so I can get things done.

Christmas and other Holidays: I still feel like I’m being a downer about all of this, but holidays suck. Sometimes the meaning behind them is good or whatever, but most holidays seem to have lost their meanings. Christmas this year was a lot of people getting me stuff and that’s cool, but it reminds me how poor I am and that I can’t reciprocate. The holidays turn into a political battle of what is politically correct to say and then the others saying “we won’t be politically correct, screw you.” Half the Christians can’t even make up their mind if they think Christmas is actually Jesus’ birthday and whatever. I just give up. I still say that the holidays have turned into a way to get all of us to pay money for decorations, food, travel, and whatnot. I like birthdays, cuz I think everyone deserves a special day…but I stopped getting birthday decorations as much, more I just find ways to hang out and  make that person feel special. I like new years and 4^th of july because I get to blow things up =] Maybe I’m bitter, but whatever. I still celebrate them, just in my own way.

Trips: I want to go on so many trips. I keep saying I want to go to Canada or even Seattle. I just need to get in my car and go. I want to go on a road trip, who’s with me?

Relationship: So this is massively filtered, and there are just some things that don’t need to be shared with the whole world, but I’ll share what I’m willing. =] With the relationship I mentioned in my last long post where I was talking about the resolution to my loneliness is still holding. I don’t know much more than I did before I guess, or maybe I do and just don’t know it. This is all going to sound like a jumbled mess and if you understand it, props to you.

This new thing is…well…new to me. And it’s slightly awkward writing this because I know he’ll be reading it and seeing into my head a little but I have no clue what he is thinking (hoping to change that soon, just gotta ask I guess. Lol) Well, anyway…I’m happy. To me there are still some things I would like to talk about but I don’t know what questions to ask or how to get my thoughts out. And I’m trying to be a little vague here because again, there are some things not meant to be so open about. I don’t know his intent I guess. I have put myself in situations before where what I want is not the same as what the other person wants. I like how our relationship is. Gaming, hanging out, reading, snuggles, dorkiness, random conversations and so on. I like that, I really do. It’s nice to have that really good hug after work and just someone who I can be me around in that sense I guess. I’m surprised he’s not tired of me =] OK, I am pretty awesome, so I guess I see that, hehehe. I worry for myself though because as I said before, I get emotionally invested easily and I don’t want to repeat what I’ve done, by getting emotionally invested in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want the same things. It wouldn’t be his fault, but it’s just who I am. I am really happy though, and if I had a rooftop, I’d shout from it, but I don’t =] It’s just my random thoughts that put a damper on things. A lot of these thoughts could be squashed if I could just think of the right words to say or questions to ask. I’m so much better at writing things, and equally bad about saying them as well out loud.

We’ll see what happens. I’ve gotta go, I’m surprised I actually finished this. I did warn in the beginning that it would be loooooong. If I missed talking about something that you want to hear about just ask and I'll answer =]