Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Yup, it's me again. =]


I’m going to start this by saying, yes, I care too much about what people think of me. I know this, and I hate it. It hinders my life in ways I wish it wouldn’t. This is a step in the right direction. I’m going to broadcast this in every way I know how.

If you’re not with me, you’re without me. I know it might sound stupid, but I hate the saying “if you’re not with me, you’re against me.” That saying only works if I am also against myself, because only then would I let petty crap stand in my way. I have big ideas, and a big life, and I can fit everyone in, but it might not be in the same way some people want or expect it, and that may not be enough for some people. If that is you, I understand, and I’ll never stop caring, just don’t bring me down.

I don’t have to go into a lot of detail to explain one of the normal parts of my growing up. I was made fun of….a lot. Aside from the friends that had stuck with me for most of my schooling, I was an outcast. Not the cool, hip, goth chick that nobody talks to but everyone thinks is bad ass….I was the girl who sat in the back so nobody would realize I was there and they might shut up about me for a period. Not everyone did this to me, but a lot of people…enough that I stopped trusting when people did try to befriend me. I had had enough people pretend to be my friend as part of some cruel joke.

Not until I was partly through high school did I really meet people who helped me open up. My best friend from elementary, middle and high school, Amanda, left because her parents moved. It wasn’t far, but in high school with no car, Aumsville was too far.  In the long run, I began a form of life where I began changing myself to be accepted by others. I changed my outward views, my interests, everything about me until I became someone that I didn’t know anymore. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I realized this was happening. I started a time of identifying me. I’m still doing that to this day. Sometimes I still act in ways that reflect my old ways of thinking out of habit when I say something different. One day it will all align again.

I choose to live by choice, to make changes, not excuses, to be motivated, to be useful, to excel. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I will not run away from my problems because once I have to face them again, they will be twice as hard to overcome. I have fallen many times in my life and needed help to get back up, I resolve to be able to pick myself back up and move on. I am strong and I know it. It’s just taken me a long time to realize it. It won’t all happen just because I said it here, but I have things to work toward. I just want to be me, it involves realizing everything that makes me…well…me.

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On another note…I have said this before, but I’m happy right now. Things are really good. I still have worries, but who doesn’t? I’m not letting them take me over.  Here...I’ll categorize some of it for you all like I normally do.

Home: Living in Beaverton is amazing, but it costs a bit more. We are looking into finding a third roommate. I love Sara and she still is the best roommate I’ve ever had. We notice when we get snappy with each other, we don’t egg on…we stop, back off, do what we were doing and come back to apologize if we feel it was needed. I like our unofficial system of operations =]

Work: I still really like my job. My main stress is that it is really slow and I’ve been losing a lot of hours. I’m finding ways to cut costs and for a while it might mean no car because I can’t afford to pay the insurance right now with my loss of hours and my registration is up which I can’t renew without insurance. So yeaaaaah….I’ve been applying for jobs again hoping to find a job that will give me the hours I need to catch up.

Friends: This is probably the most frustrating part right now…I’m dealing with a lot of crap from people for not being a good friend. I really am getting tired of repeating myself. “IT’S A TWO WAY STREET.” I have a lot on my mind most days, I am not that girl who sits on my phone texting EVERYONE hello at the beginning of the day. I never will be. Don’t give me crap because I have fun with other friends than you. I moved away, again, I understand that, if you can’t handle the distance then goodbye.

Relationshippy thing: I don’t think there are words that are good enough in my mind to explain. I’m happy…genuinely happy. When I’m with him I feel at ease. I don’t worry that he thinks I’m a psycho. I don’t spend my time wondering if he thinks I’m too this or too that. I mean, for a while I would tear myself down saying I was too fat for him…but he has never said anything or done anything to make me think that. (While I do want to lose weight, still keeping in line that I’m doing it for me and not for anyone else is really important to me.)

It’s comforting to know that we’ve both had opportunities to be there for each other to just be there, nothing more. On top of that, I feel like we can both be open with each other and nothing will change. He spoils me, and for a while I would feel guilty that he’d pay for things for me, but he told me not to. I’m still working on that, but for the most part, I think I’ll be able to accept it. When I really think about it, he isn’t just giving me things…he is paying for things that will allow us to hang out and do things together that we both like to do. Something that has stuck with me for a few days now is a conversation we had. On my birthday he told me he got me something but was waiting for it to come in the mail. This last weekend I had a dream that involved that train of thought and when we were talking about it I said, “Why did you tell me you got me something, now I’m freaking curious.” =] he said it was because I’d wonder why he didn’t get me anything. When I said I wouldn’t wonder that because I never expect to get anything from people besides my mom and dad. He said I should. I don’t think I said anything after that, if I did I don’t remember. I don’t know why that surprised me, but it did. (He got me tickets to see Wicked, by the way. Another thing we can do together. I really like that. I cherish experiences more than money or physical things. Memories are worth more to me.)

So yeah, I’m happy. When we hug, I don’t want to let go. When I open my eyes and I see him, it makes me smile. I feel safe, warm, happy, and playful. He listens to me and he holds me when I need to be held. When I tell him about my problems, it’s not because I’m complaining, it’s because I trust him. I trust that he’ll know when to chime in, he understands when I just need to vent and a hug will do, and I trust that what I say to him stays with him.

Did I mention I’m happy? =] With the hits that come, I’m glad I have support, form Jem, from Sara, from my mom, and from my sister…I’m glad I have the friends that will deal with my crazy, random, all over personality, and I’m glad I can finally say I’m happy with the ups and downs as they come.

Sorry it takes so long to update this….enjoy it while it comes.



1 comment:

  1. I'm glad our system works, haha. I get paranoid about my temper and the fact I rarely apologize in the moment. It's something I picked up from my mom. I always need at least 10 minutes to cool off and get out of the situation that made me mad in the first place. I think I'm getting better at apologizing at all, though, even to complete strangers.


    Also, I'm confirming our desire for a third roommate! Still working out a concise facebook post about it.

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