Emotion

I get so emotionally attached so easily. I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing. Need to figure out how to make it stop. It happens with so many people and not always the good ones. And with a couple people, something happens so soon that makes me doubt and almost cry. Gah! I'm not thinking about this anymore. I'm in Connecticut and I'm going to enjoy my time.

Here's to Today

I know it's been a while and my posting has been sporadic. I've just had a ton going on. I'll try to catch you people up, but it's hard to remember everything that happens sometimes.

NaNoWriMo: I passed the 50,000 mark and I'm loving it. My novel is currently at 63,064 words. I have until June to edit it, and if I do, I get 5 free copies this year from CreateSpace which means I can send my mom a copy. =] I freaking love my novel so I am optimistic that I will actually edit it this year. I still haven't finished it. I'm about 3/4 of the way to the end. all this time the ending has changed in my mind, but I think it's pretty solid now =] Jem and Sara are still a constant wealth of inspiration even though they probably aren't trying...just random situations, conversations, and random crap like that get me thinking and then writing. My manager Dion has added input without knowing it as well, it's fun =]

Work: Lots of randomness tied to work. I was so excited to be taken off the performance plan only to be told I'm still going to be on it for another 2 months. It's hard to explain sometimes, but the customer surveys I've been getting that are negative have been mainly out of my control. If you take out all the crap ones I have, I meet the goal. Even my manager agrees with this. I'm glad he at least has my back. I'm just stressed about it, almost to the point that I might look for another job just in case. I know I have time and my manager said that if he ever thinks it might come to a point where I have to worry, he'll give me notice before he starts fighting for me so I at least have a lot of warning. I'm hoping it never comes to that because I really do love this job even with the random stresses.

Home: I haven't been home a lot, I have been out at meetings, working, with Amber, gaming, etc. It's been fun and eventful and sometimes sad and tiresome, but it's my life and it's been a blast. Once November is over I'll regain some of my life back. Every gap I've had has been filled with writing, even if it meant going to my own place and writing. I've been thinking of things I want to do with Sara since I can never think of anything, I've been trying to, so here goes:
-explore nature park at night
-get her to play rock band (bwahaha)
-christmas cookies
-letterboxing (once I have ink and a new stamp)
-frolic in the rain
-Pittock Mansion with Christmas Lights
-pick out Charlie brown christmas tree
-did I mention frolic in the rain? =]
-find a show we both like and can watch together when we(mostly me) don't feel like going outside or exerting energy
-more to come

Nerdy: SO MUCH GAMING! It makes me smile. DnD, Board Games, Rock Band, and soon Portal =] I freaking love it. Jem is going to introduce me to Portal officially....(I apologize to Sara in advance) This might suck up some of my life for a while, but I need to be strong and not let it. I just have always wanted to play, and A TON of my friends are ALWAYS talking about it and now I need to get in on it. Next nerdy thing, Big Bang Theory and Dr. Who. Marathons coming soon with a Samwise near you. I want to watch these so bad.

The Loneliness: So after all my being lonely whines and all that fun stuff, I found someone to ease that. lol. It's a bit of a long story and I won't go into the details of how the situation came to be. I don't fully know what it is yet...I don't know a lot of things. This is the time of exploring, having fun, and seeing what happens from here. A few who have seen us together have asked "What are you?" I hate that question. I also hate putting labels on relationships. The general public loves labels and loves assuming one thing or another because of these labels. I like to go with the flow, make my own definitions and go from there. So again, something is there, but that's for me to know and you to find out if you're lucky. It's weird how my mind works to write this knowing he is going to read this at some point, lol. I guess my mind filters more than I thought, hahaha. (did any of that make sense? my mind filter is making things not make sense, ah well)

must go to bed.......

Blah

I've been uber productive today and I'm proud of myself. <3

On another note, and I know it's sad and depressing and I'm not fishing for compliments so don't give them unless you mean them, not just because I'm whining here....but today I feel especially fat and ugly. I don't know why but I saw my reflection and was disgusted with myself =[

off to go cook dinner.

A Whole Lot of Random

Working on updating more again, lol. Let's see how this goes.

I couldn't move much at all yesterday until around noon or 1pm, called in sick to work and tried to set a Dr appt, but the first dr appointment I could find was in January. Anyone know any Doctors in my area that might be taking patients sooner? As far as I can tell I'm going to have to go to Urgent Care on Saturday when I get paid. For those that have not been around since it all started, my back had been causing me a lot of problems. I have been trying to see a dr about it for a long time. I get tired of having to change doctors and have to explain it all over again. I jusst want my back to stop hurting so I can do all my normal activities. Right now it hurts to reach down far enough to put my pants on sometimes and don't even think about tying my shoes. Yeaaah...hopefully I'll be better sooon.

It pretty much isn't going to work out with that guy I went on a date with. His schedule is completely opposite of mine, so I don't even know how we'd be able to hang out at all. About the other guy I mentioned...I'm still in the same boat. Don't know how to say anything or even if I should say anything. See, when I thought I liked the guy I was talking about a couple months ago...the options were that he was dense or not interested, I stuck it out with not interested. I'm not being so blatantly obvious with this guy (or maybe I am, I have no clue) but regardless, I do know I like this guy...I have been thinking of why I keep hesitating or something...I think I know, but not well enough to be able to explain it on here. lol. The funny part is, I'm not even actively "looking" or whatever...either I'm getting set up, or I get some spark or something that makes me start thinking...I don't know if these sparks really do mean what I think they mean, but I guess I learn over time.

more later. gotta go

Been a long time....

Hey, so it's been a while since I've posted in here and I don't have much time, but I'll give it a shot.

Work is still fun, normal stresses I guess. I get off my performance plan on Thursday.

I went on a date last night. It was nice, he is a nice guy...but after thinking about it, I don't know how optimistic I am. That and my heart still feels strongly for someone else. Someone I didn't expect, but we'll see if anything comes of that. I want to tell that person, but certain complicating factors keep me from doing so. I wish I could just go up and say, "hey, I like you. It's cool if you don't feel the same, but it'd sure help me to know where you stand." lol. I guess I can't find the right words, or the right time...maybe there isn't any of either. It's a complicated situation.

I'm going to connecticut in December, Colorado in February, and hopefully Australia in March. =] It's going to be a fun next few months lol.

I can't think of more to say. NaNoWriMo is doing ok. Jem and Sara, whether they know it or not, have been my muses a lot of times. Thanks guys =] If I ever publish it, I'll mention you bwahahaha.

Overwhelmed

I feel so overwhelmed lately. I don't fully know how to explain it...my brain can't form the words, I just all of a sudden felt this sense of being overwhelmed. there are so many things that I need to take care of, but a lot of them can't be taken care of yet...and I'm behind on my stuff at home and I feel like I'll never catch up. I'm behind on everything...my word count, my chores, my letter to Cate, fixing things like my car and my co-workers car, RCR stuff and everything......There just need to be more hours in the day until I'm all caught up. I still keep forgetting to go to the post office and figure out why all three of my address changes with them haven't gone through.

To top it off, I'm freaking out about finance for one reason or another...not because I don't have enough, I'm just tired of feeling the weight from living paycheck to paycheck and I want to catch myself up a bit....so I'm going to be working a boat load of Overtime over the next few months...I think I just need to stop freaking out....I need hugs....i'm going to need a lot of hugs.....my stress is bringing me to tears a lot....i don't show it..I'm too dang strong for my own good, but holding it in all day gets to me and I crack when I'm laying in bed ready to sleep...I just don't have someone to hold me as I cry myself to sleep.

I know i seem kind of melodramatic, but my mind over-reacts a lot........

short, but sweet

This is going to be short because I'm tired now.

tonight was kind of frustrating due to certain people over reacting and storming out of our game day, but ah well...such is life. I got over it and had fun the rest of the night.

Was in a TON of pain due to my back, it just keeps getting worse. Jem offered a massage and I accepted, It helped so much. I could have laid there forever...I haven't had the pain in my back stop in so long now I almost cried. I mean, yeah it came back shortly after, but not nearly as strong as I was feeling the pain before-hand. I seriously did not want to leave, lol.

NaNoWriMo starts on Tuesday. I'm stoked. I have this whole outline set out. I'll share tidbits on my blog, keep your eyes peeled =] Remember, it is raw and unedited so no editing it for me. I'm saving the editing of the novel until after November is over.

blah. sleepy. gnight.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, and some other unrelated things

Disclaimer: Some people might not like some stuff in this post. I said before that I will be honest and sometimes I might toe the line, but it is up to me to determine where that line lies and what determines crossing it. If you think you might get offended, please stop now. If you choose to continue, I will not take crap from anyone about these topics...you chose to continue. you have been warned.

Ok, so I have been trying to figure out how to post all of this because a lot of it has been on my mind due to conversations happening lately between me and various other people. Some of it will be reserved for my private blog, but some of it will be here. I'll try to make it readable.

So I don't know what to think in a lot of situations...due to my gutter mind and such, a lot of people assume things about me that aren't true. I'll clear the air. I am a virgin by all definitions in my mind. I was raped in my teens so TECHNICALLY I guess I'm not, but to myself I am. Don't worry about feeling sorry for my situation...I've been over it for a long time and I have no issues talking about it. Also, I did not abstain from sex because I was raped or because I'm a prude. I chose not to have sex before I even had a religion picked for myself. I saw my friends jumping like rabbits and breeding like them too...I opted out due to my own choice, not for lack of opportunity.

 I don't think it is a taboo subject and I think that situation where I was raped has caused a lot of the feelings I currently feel. When people say I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced it, i do sometimes want to just duct tape their mouths shut. When you are raped you may not find pleasure in the situation, but it still causes your body to change and it still causes those hormones to be released that I guess cause you to want to have sex I guess? I don't know. lol. Basically it has been hard for me because no matter what I do people assume things about me. I have a gutter mind so I must be a slut, they find out I'm a virgin and now I'm a prude...someone hears I've been raped and now I'm broken and can never be fixed. (just to clarify, I am not broken or damaged...I do not blame all men for my situation and I do still have the capacity to love) All in all, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. The desire is there, it's hard to ignore, but where things go from here is undetermined.

The second step of the topic title thingy...drugs. I don't do drugs. drugs is a vague word, but yeah. I quit smoking cigarettes almost a year ago. I have smoked pot and consumed foodstuffs with pot in them in the past...not delving into that. Other than that i've never used any sort of drug. I don't even like to take prescription drugs unless it really does help me, but I don't like to rely on them and I'll try to get to a point where I don't have to use them ASAP.

Third, rock and roll. ROCK AND ROLL WILL NOT KILL YOU, it will not make you go to hell either. I make the same argument that I make with books, it is how you interpret it that determines if it will influence you badly. I think fiction is fiction and should be treated as such. I will not censor my reading or listening habits by what the world decides is good or bad, I know my morals and I know my limits...they are not the same as most people and I can deal with that. Don't force your morals on me.

Other unrelated things to the sex, drugs, and rock and roll...work. I am taking on some overtime, I want a lot of it and I'll keep taking it. I think I'm moving on up in the ranks and we will see where things go. I love that my TM has my back, it makes coming to work less dreadful. He really is the best manager I have ever had.

random comment...picking on people does not mean I am flirting with them. Why do guys assume this? XD

I need to go to bed...hope I didn't lose any followers over this...but oh well...I will be me...deal with it.

BLOG ABOUT FACEBOOK

Ok, here is the long-awaited blog about facebook. Sorry it took so long, but I really wanted to flesh this out and some of it needed me to cool off to do so. I thought I would be able to post right away about it, I was wrong. lol. So, to fill everyone in again...I deleted ALL of my friends from facebook. I seriously gave a 5 minute warning to most with my last status, but anyone with an A name really didn't get much of a warning at all. It took me 2+ hours to remove all of my friends and I know it was irrational and all, but it really did help and now I think I won't hate facebook as much.

Here are some of the reasons I did what I did: (THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY LONG) and some of it will be ranty, so ignore any grammar mistakes, etc. Trying here but I just need to get this up.

1) I had 425 friends on facebook. A person can only have so many relationships going on in their life and it is not the same as the amount of friends you can have on facebook. I know people like to keep in touch and all, but how often do you REALLY talk to those people? I spent SO much time saying "I miss you" or "I wish we still hung out" than anything on facebook. I had people on there from Job Corps, High School, Middle School, and even Elementary school. I had derby girls that I never really knew (and some that I do know) I had people from Timothy Project that never talked to me when we were in Timothy Project, but after it was over, they added me on facebook and still said almost nothing. A lot of the Job corps and school friends were like that as well, I never really was friends with them before, but now that we don't see each other, we are friends? It was a messed up and convoluted and it just wasn't good for me. I felt like I had to maintain all of those friendships and it caused me to neglect other friendships....it was just not good all around.

2) I was getting tired of all of the rendom crap I was seeing. I still don't think facebook is a political platform. Mostly because people think that just because it is the internet and they aren't saying it to your face, that now they can be as rude as they want without reprimand. I'm totally fine if people post links to political pictures, comics, or articles...even political websites...but when someone posts random political comments as their facebook status update, it gets annoying. The BIGGEST reason for this is that mosts people update their status out of random passion and without thinking. They do no research and start stupid debates and argue them as if they know what they are talking about. Okay, people...we can tell when you don't know what you are talking about...just because you also have idiot troll friends who debate with you and don't know you are an idiot does not mean you are NOT an idiot. I love healthy debates...debates where both sides are in the know about the topics they are talking about or are at least able to somehow find the right information. Healthy debates include people that might get fired up but won't make personal digs, or take things personally themselves. Debates are supposed to he helpful, not hurtful. I know, I'm part of the 2.45% of the population that thinks this can be possible, but debates don't have to be hurtful or demeaning, they can be fun, informational and such. Sometimes we ae just ignorant and a debate helps us see things in a different light. Ok, I'm gonna stop this portion of the rant and just say that I still don't think facebook status updates are not the place to voice your political/religious debate. People don't have to agree with me. This topic was what was going through my head when I deleted all of my friends from facebook. I had posted a status saying something along those lines, that facebook is not your political platform. And that is my opinion, I am FULLY FREE to think that. Instead of people agreeing or disagreeing they told me that I have no right to infringe on people's freedom of speech, and I am a horrible person because I don't think people should do that, and that if I don't want to read it then don't read it. As if it is that easy. Facebook doesn't allow ou to block posts anymore and if it does, I don't know how to do it. I know how to block posts from pages and groups, but not people. So I was justs saying that I was thinking of just taking people off of my friends list and people said "yeah you should, stop being a jerk" or "yeah you should, we don't want you anyway." I got so much angry hate from people that I was in tears...my FRIENDS were saying these things to me. But of course they didn't have the guts to say it in public, they have to say it in a text or in a way it can't be traced to them publically. So I took everyone off of my facbook friends and decided I'd figure out what to do next once I cooled off (you can replace politics with religion too and the same rant stands) One last thing I'll add to this novel of a topic...IT IS OK TO HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS AND IDEAS, IT IS NOT OK FOR YOU TO HATE ON OTHERS BECAUSE OF THEIRS, I DON'T CARE HOW DIFFERENT OR OUTLANDISH YOU MIGHT SEE IT...HURTING PEOPLE IS WRONG!!!!!

If you are still reading at this point, here are some more reasons I was frustrated with facebook...

3) Privacy and Safety settings...I have been trying to figure out how I can maintain the privacy on facebook. You idiots who say "if you want to keep it private, don't put it on the internet" you people are, well, idiots. I have worked with homeless youth and I'm not supposed to have my facebook stsuff private. It leaves the door open for the youth to misunderstand the relationship you have with them. Some youth I will have on my facebook page, but some I can't for boundary reasons. Now, I'm not going to stop sharing stuff with people because someone might not be able to see it...but facebook used to allow you to keep your stuff private. You could say "friends only" and only your friends would be able to see your stuff. I know how to check the privacy settings and set them. With the most recent update, now if your friend likes or posts on something, THEIR friends can also see it and comment on it, etc. Now you can ask your friends to change THEIR settings, but most won't do it or don't know how to do it properly. Either way, I aquired two stalkers which were old clients and I had a lot of people that they were tied to. So now I have to be even MORE selective of who I add as a friend because private on facebook isn't really private.

4)Miscommunications. I try not to post stuff that could be read wrong unless I'm joking about something. Somehow someone still gets so offended. Or I'll post something and someone will think I'm lesbian. Something completely crazy like that. I've lost friends over stupid stuff like a tongue ring. I was getting really tired of it. I have facebook so I can update a lot of people at once and I also like the sharing aspects. I don't use it to be a rebel or post mean stuff to or about people. People need to stop taking things so freaking personal.

5) Jealousy. I dislike stupid jealousy. When people see posts about me hanging out with someone else and I get messages saying, "You always hang out with so-and-so but you never hang out with meeee." I hate this. It makes me not want to share details about fun times had with friends. What makes me even more upset is the people that complain are the ones that have cars and are fully capable of coming to see me too and don't. These people have no room to whine. I try to hang out with people whenever I can and if I try to hang out with people and they either can't don't have time, don't have gas, or any other random bs excuse, then I'll hang out with the same person I hung out with the day before if they are free. I don't want to hear it. It's to the point that I don't ask people anymore because I'm tired of the excuses. I have no problem if you don't want to hang out even if the reson is "I just don't feel like it tonight", but don't complain to me about never hanging out if you are the one making the excuses. And don't make me feel bad for hanging out with the friends that DO want to hang out with me. Your fake desire to hang out with me does not make me think you love me more, it just pisses me off. 

There is probably stuff that I am missing...but for now those are what came up on the top of my head. If I want to add more, I'll do a facebook blog post part 2. Basically, I like using facebook to update people on how I'm doing. I don't always have time to call or text everyone so it is nice to be able to voice my frustrations, random updates and stuff that I think people might want to know. I like to share pictures and funny things and I like the event planning thing because it can be useful at times. I could deal without the random BS.

When I took all my friends off I was thinking I would stop using facebook for a month or so. I thought it would take me that long to figure out how to block things and get my settings where I want them. It took me less time than that. I cleared out all the groups I don't use. I blocked all the page updates that pop up when you like something. I deleted the random member groups I don't use and then started slowly adding people back. I'm not going through and adding as many people as I can think of. I'm adding people as they come up and going from there.

Let's see how this goes. FB round 2. and GO!

Freakouts, Flubs, and Freaking Epicness

First off, Facebook. This whole facebook thing is going to take a while for me to form a blog about the whole situation. Please hold tight, I will get it up as soon as possible. For those that are confused. I deleted all friends from my facebook except my roommate and my old profile that got hacked a while back. It is going to stay this way for at least a month where I will decide what to do after that. Story about it is to come.

Secondly, anyone who saw a VERY different kind of post earlier today...please disregard that. I made the first flub between my blogs and accidentally posted in this blog when I meant to post in my other blog. I do have two blogs, the other one is strictly confidential and it would have been very evident from that post as to why I have a separate blog. Some things just shouldn't be shared to the public. So far I think 3 people saw it, please stop telling me if you saw it, just pretend like it didn't happen. I understand that it can be seen as slightly mean to mention a secret blog and whatnot, but this is the best and last form of damage control I can take on the matter. I didn't intend for that post to be public and if too many people saw it, I might just hide in a hole and die. I only post in that blog probably once or twice every 3 months...There was nothing mean about anyone in it, just a very personal outlet of thoughts....VERY personal. So again, if you did see it, please disregard what you read and do not speak of it to anyone, I'd greatly appreciate cooperation on this. <3.

Today was pretty epic. It was mostly busy at work which made my day go super quick. To top it all off, I had some pretty funny customers, had great laughs with my coworkers and it was just fun all around. Jem beat me at pool, but I'll turn that around tomorrow. If anyone has any ideas of work-appropriate yet slightly evil things to do to someone's cubicle, I have some revenge to claim and my mind can't think of something I like enough. Other than that, I move cubes again tomorrow, I get my 90-day review tomorrow, and tomorrow is my friday. I hope it all goes well and I can relax afterwards. =]

This weekend Sara's friend (and now my friend) Ali comes to meet us. I'm stoked and it will be a ton of fun =] We have some good local stuff planned, and some fun nerdy stuff. =]

Speaking of Nerdy, I am a BIG nerd and I love it. I'm so glad I have people to be nerdy with.

Last of the thoughts before I go to bed. I'm so nervous about November. NaNoWriMo starts in 2.5 weeks and I haven't fully formed my idea yet. I need to get on it. 50,000 words in 1 month as well as full time work, I'm limiting my nerd-outs for the month of November, I'll be anti-social a lot, but I hope to have another 50,000 word success at the end of it all. Maybe this time I'll actually have the guts to show someone. Third wins' the charm? lol. I could use all the encouragement people can throw my way, I'm also mentoring a group of wrimos and it is going to be fun =]

Good night world.

Short Blurb

So I'm on my lunch at work and already my day is ten times better than yesterday. This is a really good sign. I started the day with two KUDOS calls (where customer asks for supervisor to tell them how awesome I am) and then I continued to have good calls. Two hours of training on top of that and here I am on lunch. Halfway done with my shift and I'm not counting down the minutes til I go home. This is a plus.

Had lunch at Subway, and like a good girl I finally stepped out of my box and got something I've never gotten before. I'm improving =] FY, I usually always get tuna sandwiches at subway. Today I tried the meatball marinara and it was really good. I know, tiny thing to put a note in here about, but oh well =]

The creative surge that gave me the urge to write a blog post on my lunch was spurred by a text conversation I've been having this morning. This also ties in with conversations with various coworkers. Aside from the jerk-bag at work that made comments about my weight, most guys see me as what I call a "unicorn". A rare female that plays nerdy games, video games, watches football, goes to concerts, and isn't easily offended. I get asked at work all the time if I'm dating someone and a lot of guys seem to be shocked that I'm single. (most of them are married or dating someone, either that or I wouldn't be interested, so no avenues there, lol) The conversation via text today was a friend asking me if my standards are too high. I don't think they are. hmm...common sense, be male, good hygiene, having a close connection and having things in common. There are others and I know that while I've expanded in earlier posts, some of those expanded areas are just as flexible, those are the 5 categories though lol. Boiled down to the basics, that is what it is. So no, I don't think my standards are too high...I just haven't had a guy ask me out. What frustrates me is when people argue with me and say that my view is wrong. I just laugh at them and continue with my day. Now, I wish people would stop asking me why I am single....if I knew, I wouldn't be single anymore. Again, not in a rush, while at the same time, I really miss that companionship and I will continue to miss it while I don't have it. Some people help more than others, but it isn't the same without the ability to have someone to hold.

Grr....arg

Today was hard. I was hard on myself, customers were hard on me, it was just beat on Sammi day. Lots of angry customers, our tools broke down, I got listened to by someone who had been there less time than me...it was all not helping my confidence at my job and it just made it hard. To top it off I ended up having to stay late for a sup call, ruined an appointment I had which had other bad things and I was just cranky.

Cranky started to go away a little bit, but then while in Salem the topics that happened on Friday came up again and it made me sad, frustrated, and fired up. To add to my day at work, none of that helped. I just became an emotional wreck. Let's add the whipped cream. After ALL of this, I had a counseling appointment which always tears me raw in the best and worst ways.

On my way home I took deep breaths and calmed my mind down. I know I am doing well at my job, just encountering some bumps in the road. I know I am a good person, I can't let stupid situations make me think otherwise. I am loved, and I know it....sometimes.

The cherry on top of my self-esteem pie in the face was rock band...I did not do well, after my lack of confidence all day, I couldn't get myself to sing as normal. I couldn't tell if it was that the microphone was messing up, or my throat was still hoarse from the spent emotions of the day, or if I just couldn't have confidence to sing it all. It could have been a mixture. That tiny pinprick in my day was the cherry....light but complete.

The night ended well with Jem reading again, even though the story brought me to the verge of tears, it was a powerful part of the story. It was still beautiful and gave great imagery. Stories and great hugs to end the night, it was hard for me to be a responsible adult and go home and sleep for work. I could have sat there and listened to him read all night if I could. Now I will go to bed, dream of a pumpkin sapling growing in a burnt garden. I will wake up and tomorrow will be good. It will wipe today away. Mind over matter, right?

(Insert Spiffy Title Here)

Ok, I couldn't think of a title, but here goes.

I'm still not entirely sure what the last bit of my last blog is about. Voicing my brain-puke seemed to make me forget about it I guess. We'll see.

On Friday I had a big board meeting. I was kind of looking forward to this meeting because I thought it would be great. Instead it turned into a big stressor and it was pretty emotional. I can't share much about it for confidentiality purposes, but I'm doing my best to help with damage control and see what we can do to fix the issues that are going on. It is hard though, I have some strong emotional ties to some of it and at one point there was a person that I really wanted to throw out of a window, but I wouldn't ever do that.....

After the board meeting I played games a little and it started to cheer me up, but Jem was helping more with that than anything. The game we were playing lasted longer than I anticipated and I was too tired to drive home so I stayed on Jem's bedroll in his living room. (yes, for certain readers, I felt the need to specify so no speculations would be made) It was cool though, we read a bit (more like he read, but still) and then went to bed.

Saturday was full of fun, sun, and happiness. Jem has rock band 3 and we play that A LOT. So we did some of that and then went to the nature park, sat in a tree and he read again while I braided his hair =] Yes, we are dorks, but it was awesome. Then, of course, being Saturday, we played more games. I felt like I was being an uber b**** most of the night, but at the same time, I wasn't. I blew up at our friend Kevin and he ended up leaving early. Kevin and I are cool now, but I still hope that never happens again. Aside from that, another blah moment happened at the end, I still don't think I was doing anything wrong, but I do need to have more confidence in my game-playing skills. I am doing much better now, I don't always suck anymore, even if it seems like it sometimes.

Yesterday was really cool. Bought some new cookbooks from goodwill and used one last night. I'm hoping to be able to cook something new once a week. So last night i made mushroom beef over rice. It turned out really well. Jem came over and ate with us and then we played Elixir where he played a card that made me win =] It was great. =] Next week I want to do some sort of stuffed chicken. Ali will be here and I haven't decided if I should invite another person or not. It makes me so happy to be back in the kitchen making new stuff again.

Today is my 90 day review at work. Wish me luck =] I'm off and all those biscuits.

Music and Musings

Many discussions happen between me and many other people. I try to blog about them as I feel led by my creativity. This time it is music. Over time as I have grown up I noticed a lot of things I thought I liked were things I only liked because I thought it was the right thing to like or liking it would make me normal. Growing up with such judgmental people and living with that my whole life added to the other stresses I had, it's understandable that I would try and change myself to fit a mold so at least I felt like I had some sort of control. Well, over the last two years I've been trying to identify myself. Find those things that I don't really feel are true about me and find what is true.

Music in it's many forms fits so well into that. There is so much music that I thought I liked, and things about music that I thought I liked. Something vital that I have learned is that I don't see much of a point in music if you are just going to listen to it. Yes, music is supposed to be heard, but I feel it is meant to be interacted with. People listen to music as a background to their normal lives and that is cool, I just don't really have music just to listen to. I listen to music in my car, but I sing to it and it keeps me awake while I drive. I play music while I clean, but I clean to the beat and occasionally dance. I go to concerts, I play rock band or dancing games. Any time I listen to music, I am interacting with it somehow and that is the only way I think it should be for me. I'm not saying all should adopt this philosophy or else, this is just my vie and mine is one of many. Find it normal, find it weird, normal is just a word with no solid definition. I am me, I am unique, and I love it that way.


And now before I end, I'll leave you with this blurb. Call it abstract, an odd form of poetry, or just plain brain-puking...Call it what you want, but here it is:

Whenever I leave this place, a cord inside me pulls as if trying to get me to stay. I most likely could if I wanted, all I'd need is to choose the right words to say. Questions always arise in my head, confusion stirs in my heart. Laughter, heartache, peace, knowledge, and fear are all felt in a single moment, yet nothing changes...I still leave. I doubt my choices, but I stand firm to the words I've previously spoken. It tears me up, but everything is erased with one simple gesture and I forget...until I walk away. The gut-wrenching feeling is so real and tangible, I can feel it and it moves inside of me. I just do not know what to do about it. If the situation is spoken aloud, it either seems outrageous or wrong. Therefore I continue to contemplate...think on it...wonder...could I do something differently? Should I do something differently? Will the motions continue moving in circles, repeating their order while nothing changes? Or will that final moment come to fruition and appease the curiosity of my wondering mind?

And while I think I know what this is about, I didn't realize it until I wrote it...and I could still be wrong...I just felt like typing this out exactly as I thought it with no changes or additions, straight brain-puke. Sorry, the brain puke does not get an explanation. Cheers!

One last thing. Rain makes me REALLY happy. I love all of Oregon's weather. =]

Books and Brains

OKay, I need to sleep so I'm making this short-ish.

Something I've talked a lot about these last few weeks with my friends in and out of work is books. I love books. All kinds of books. I really love old books, used books, books that have character. People raise their noses to dirty, used, bent books, but I love them. I love books that people have highlighted, written in, dog-eared, etc. I like when people write their names in books and the next owner writes theirs and so on. I love book stores that you can get lost in, stores that have so much character that you find a new piece every time you go.

One of the floor supervisors at my work is amazing, he loves books as much as I do. His fiance goes to these really cool shops. I think we are going to go explore some shops in Portland. I love Powell's but they are too clean for me, I want to find the hole-in-the-wall bookstore that has a maze of shelves and the smell of old books greets you as you walk in.

I also want to find some older prints of some classic lit novels and some older prints of Shakespeare plays.

I just have books on the brain. I <3 to read. Reading to myself, reading at work, being read to, reading to others. (Though I'm not that good at reading the parts.)

Another thing that makes me happy up here in Beaverton is the way people think. The views of people up here are dramatically different than a lot of people in Salem. People here don't judge nearly as much. Some of the people I've met up here are helping me to have more confidence in my quirks. I'm happier being me. This is good.

Goodnight.

Hair-Braiding, Hugs and Happiness

So to tie in the end of my last post, reading outside didn't happen. Rain came out to play and rain does not mix well with books. Either way, Jem and I played rock band while we waited for his friend Calvin to come over. I also watched him play Starcraft II. I like the concept of the game, don't know if I have the dexterity for it, but I will give it a shot. It does look like a lot of fun. I also braided Jem's hair, hahaha. I love playing with hair and he just has so stinking much of it. Now Mariona needs to braid my hair =] It was really funny because last night I had a dream where the three of us were all out in the sun, Jem was reading, I was braiding his hair and Mariona was braiding mine. lol. There was another aspect of the dream, but for certain people's sake, I think I'll leave that detail out :D I don't fully understand the dream, I do think dreams have some sort of meaning, but I don't know that any person will ever actually know for sure what that meaning is about their own dreams. For now I'll stick with my hunches and find out later if they are right or wrong.

I've played so many board games this weekend, it is amazing. I even won some, that was even more amazing. Let's see, we played Princes of Florence twice, Liars dice three times, Agricola Farmer's of the Moor expansion 1.5 times, Glory to Rome, Resistance, Ti Chu, Through the Ages, Power Boats, and Biblios twice. It was a ton of fun. I won Princes of Florence once, Liar's Dice twice, and Biblios once. My ranks is moving up, hahaha. I failed so badly at TiChu and Power Boats, and Through the Ages, but of all of those, Through the Ages is the one where I want a rematch and think I could have a closer battle if BOTH of us(Jem and I) play by ALL the rules. Jem cheats =]

A lot of other things have come up this weekend in discussions. Like marriage...this might ruffle some feathers, I don't know why, but it might. I don't want to go through the whole wedding thing. For a while I had always wanted to be married, but then I learned about the laws that if you are with someone for a set period of time you are legally considered married. Then I thought, well why do I have to go through all that hassle then? Why do I have to have some minister tell me I am committed to my husband if I decide on my own that I am committed to him? why do I have to go through a ceremony and pay all this money just to tell the world that I love this one person? I dunno, it's been my stance on it for a while. Most of me feels like a "marriage" just makes it so you feel like you "have to" be with that person, or it puts that air on the relationship, then if it doesn't work out you have to pay money to sever it. And I know that that is supposed to deter people from getting married if they don't think it will work, but really who goes into a marriage thinking "I hope this works out." Everyone I know is sure it will work out and then it doesn't. Ok this whole thing is getting jumbled in my ramble and I'll just stop. Feel free to ask for clarifications.

The end of my weekend held some stress and emotion stuff that I didn't really have an outlet for at the time it was going on, or there wasn't a good time to bring it up to rant about it in my mind. So today I started with just random stuff going through my head and I'm good at compartmentalizing my feelings so I don't "feel" them when I don't want to. I don't like being an emotional wreck, even though it really isn't an emotional wreck if it is just a bout of emotion caused by a turn of events. Anyway, I was doing just fine at the compartmentalizing of the emotion until I was about to go home. I got a really awesome hug.  It was a hug a lot like one I explained in a post before, where I just felt really secure. I felt such a strong emotion that I almost started crying. It confused me so much. It was a hug that made my compartment walls come down for a brief moment and I wasn't protecting myself. I didn't want to leave but then I did because I probably would have cried and then I would have been embarrassed and then my anxiety would have taken over and just envision a train-wreck, lol. It was probably the best hug I've had in two years. (Yeah, I know that the person who gave the hug will read this, but I don't see any reason to filter my blog posts for that reason, so I'm not.) Various hypothesis run through my head about it all, but those I probably will filter out. :D

Good night all =]

The Awesome-Sauce Continues

I can't be on long for my own sanity and sleep pattern, but I have to post more.

Today was an amazing day to follow yesterday. I had a blast at work, laughed so hard I actually physically laughed so hard I had to sit down which happened to be on the floor in the middle of a walkway, but it was great. We had a great conversation about Ian and how my manager thinks he is gay, while I know he isn't hahaha. Then it continued to go into talks about the two guys that are having sex changes that are on the same contract, which led somehow into if I had any kids and yeah it was just a random day. I had great calls, no stress today, and I ended the pay period with overtime (not as much as I anticipated originally, but still overtime nonetheless).

After work I hung out with a variety of amazing people. Saw someone who I haven't seen in years and might not have seen on any other occasion and then proceeded to end my night with lots of laughs. (Mostly because I am so deliriously tired that everything is funny and the funny things are funnier.)

The only downside is my sleep deprivation made my anxiety worse at times. I really thought I was annoying people all day today and only spoke aloud of it once when I was with Jem. I joke about it a lot but I do worry that sometimes people wish they had duct tape for me...ya never know. Sometimes I want duct tape for MYSELF. lol.

I had some interesting conversations today with various people and I'm just happy. Happy doesn't begin to cover it, but happy will have to do. Tomorrow is looking promising as ever, maybe if it is nice out I can convince Jem that sitting outside and reading for a while or so in between Rock Band and Board Gaming is a splendid idea. (Or maybe I'll be lucky and he will read this and the seed will be planted before I arrive, hahaha)

Pretty picture to end the post:

Life and Happiness

Today has been so uplifting and just plain amazing. I may have woken up late, but so many good things happened at work. I got great customer surveys, and for things that most people get bad scores for. I got another great call coaching, I had fun with my coworkers...it was just a wonderful day at work.

To top it off, played some rock band, pwned at some D&D, and got a bunch of productive stuff done. I am so happy with today.

I've also been thinking a lot about all my talk about hugs. I really do have some great friends who give great hugs. I think the best hugs from any of my friends is a tie between Bethany and Jem. I can't break the tie because they each have their own reasons for being awesome. I miss seeing Bethany more, but I love the blips of time I get to see her when I pop down to Salem. Jem is a great listener, if I annoy the snot out of him, he doesn't show it so I don't think I do =] and he gives awesome hugs to boot. You both rock my socks.

In other news, money is tight, but I'm working things out. I love all the contact I'm having with the family that is talking to me right now, and I can't wait for it to continue. More drama about family, but I try not to make that too public.

I need to make this short, I REALLY have to sleep. I just needed to *squee* about my day =]

Stuff of Olde

When I was 20 I was asked to write about where I wanted to be in ten years. I found that sheet of paper. I remember writing it and it encouraged me, thought I'd share =] It won't look as cool because I can't edit it the same in here, but the words are what matter. I wrote it in blurbs as if I was in that time =]

The year is 2018.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Celebrate the big three-OH!
I am unique...trul unique.
I'm free, I'm playful, I'm confident.
I'm just happy being me.

No longer hiding behind the illusions thread by little twists of reality.
Through an internal transformation I am becoming a better woman in every way.
Exploring the great relationships I come upon in life.
Married with a kid and happier than ever.
A sweet, sexy, funny, curious, and creative mother.

Gotta have my reading room.
Books made a difference in my life.
Life is a river of words that I float along.
The world is a mirror that shows beauty and change.
Knowledge is power.
It is good to be grown up.
I'm still learning as life throws its punches.

Sometimes it takes more than the moon and the starts.
The mind is truly magical, a surprise inside every one.
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.
I am the author and publisher of my own success story.
Committed to forgiving the people of my past in heart and mind.
God is the center and saving me from my mistkes, giving me a fresh start.
I have overcome my asthma, depression and the barriers associated with my ADHD and Anxiety.

It's O.K. to want in life.
A lifetime of learning leading to my success in Psychology.
Meetings, deadlines, and projects are a big part of it all.
Helping children with difficulties.
Giving a child something to swing besides his fist.
Striving to teach, laugh, and be there for whoever needs me.

Take a moment because every moment is a place I've never been.
Become part of a family.
A fresh new start.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Forever young.

Hope you enjoyed =]

Goals

OK! I am going to post this semi-short post about my current goals. Since I'm taking some time off of school to re-direct my life, I want to set some goals to accomplish.

-Look into getting a DSLR.
-Cook 1 new meal a week. Something new that I find in a recipe book or I create. Journal about it.
-post here at least once a week, once a day if I can.
-Check out majors and make sure I am doing what I want to do before I go back
-DO A PRO/CON LIST for majors
-Meet with an advisor
-edit resume again

more to be added, all I can think of off the top of my head.