First off, Facebook. This whole facebook thing is going to take a while for me to form a blog about the whole situation. Please hold tight, I will get it up as soon as possible. For those that are confused. I deleted all friends from my facebook except my roommate and my old profile that got hacked a while back. It is going to stay this way for at least a month where I will decide what to do after that. Story about it is to come.
Secondly, anyone who saw a VERY different kind of post earlier today...please disregard that. I made the first flub between my blogs and accidentally posted in this blog when I meant to post in my other blog. I do have two blogs, the other one is strictly confidential and it would have been very evident from that post as to why I have a separate blog. Some things just shouldn't be shared to the public. So far I think 3 people saw it, please stop telling me if you saw it, just pretend like it didn't happen. I understand that it can be seen as slightly mean to mention a secret blog and whatnot, but this is the best and last form of damage control I can take on the matter. I didn't intend for that post to be public and if too many people saw it, I might just hide in a hole and die. I only post in that blog probably once or twice every 3 months...There was nothing mean about anyone in it, just a very personal outlet of thoughts....VERY personal. So again, if you did see it, please disregard what you read and do not speak of it to anyone, I'd greatly appreciate cooperation on this. <3.
Today was pretty epic. It was mostly busy at work which made my day go super quick. To top it all off, I had some pretty funny customers, had great laughs with my coworkers and it was just fun all around. Jem beat me at pool, but I'll turn that around tomorrow. If anyone has any ideas of work-appropriate yet slightly evil things to do to someone's cubicle, I have some revenge to claim and my mind can't think of something I like enough. Other than that, I move cubes again tomorrow, I get my 90-day review tomorrow, and tomorrow is my friday. I hope it all goes well and I can relax afterwards. =]
This weekend Sara's friend (and now my friend) Ali comes to meet us. I'm stoked and it will be a ton of fun =] We have some good local stuff planned, and some fun nerdy stuff. =]
Speaking of Nerdy, I am a BIG nerd and I love it. I'm so glad I have people to be nerdy with.
Last of the thoughts before I go to bed. I'm so nervous about November. NaNoWriMo starts in 2.5 weeks and I haven't fully formed my idea yet. I need to get on it. 50,000 words in 1 month as well as full time work, I'm limiting my nerd-outs for the month of November, I'll be anti-social a lot, but I hope to have another 50,000 word success at the end of it all. Maybe this time I'll actually have the guts to show someone. Third wins' the charm? lol. I could use all the encouragement people can throw my way, I'm also mentoring a group of wrimos and it is going to be fun =]
Good night world.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Short Blurb
So I'm on my lunch at work and already my day is ten times better than yesterday. This is a really good sign. I started the day with two KUDOS calls (where customer asks for supervisor to tell them how awesome I am) and then I continued to have good calls. Two hours of training on top of that and here I am on lunch. Halfway done with my shift and I'm not counting down the minutes til I go home. This is a plus.
Had lunch at Subway, and like a good girl I finally stepped out of my box and got something I've never gotten before. I'm improving =] FY, I usually always get tuna sandwiches at subway. Today I tried the meatball marinara and it was really good. I know, tiny thing to put a note in here about, but oh well =]
The creative surge that gave me the urge to write a blog post on my lunch was spurred by a text conversation I've been having this morning. This also ties in with conversations with various coworkers. Aside from the jerk-bag at work that made comments about my weight, most guys see me as what I call a "unicorn". A rare female that plays nerdy games, video games, watches football, goes to concerts, and isn't easily offended. I get asked at work all the time if I'm dating someone and a lot of guys seem to be shocked that I'm single. (most of them are married or dating someone, either that or I wouldn't be interested, so no avenues there, lol) The conversation via text today was a friend asking me if my standards are too high. I don't think they are. hmm...common sense, be male, good hygiene, having a close connection and having things in common. There are others and I know that while I've expanded in earlier posts, some of those expanded areas are just as flexible, those are the 5 categories though lol. Boiled down to the basics, that is what it is. So no, I don't think my standards are too high...I just haven't had a guy ask me out. What frustrates me is when people argue with me and say that my view is wrong. I just laugh at them and continue with my day. Now, I wish people would stop asking me why I am single....if I knew, I wouldn't be single anymore. Again, not in a rush, while at the same time, I really miss that companionship and I will continue to miss it while I don't have it. Some people help more than others, but it isn't the same without the ability to have someone to hold.
Had lunch at Subway, and like a good girl I finally stepped out of my box and got something I've never gotten before. I'm improving =] FY, I usually always get tuna sandwiches at subway. Today I tried the meatball marinara and it was really good. I know, tiny thing to put a note in here about, but oh well =]
The creative surge that gave me the urge to write a blog post on my lunch was spurred by a text conversation I've been having this morning. This also ties in with conversations with various coworkers. Aside from the jerk-bag at work that made comments about my weight, most guys see me as what I call a "unicorn". A rare female that plays nerdy games, video games, watches football, goes to concerts, and isn't easily offended. I get asked at work all the time if I'm dating someone and a lot of guys seem to be shocked that I'm single. (most of them are married or dating someone, either that or I wouldn't be interested, so no avenues there, lol) The conversation via text today was a friend asking me if my standards are too high. I don't think they are. hmm...common sense, be male, good hygiene, having a close connection and having things in common. There are others and I know that while I've expanded in earlier posts, some of those expanded areas are just as flexible, those are the 5 categories though lol. Boiled down to the basics, that is what it is. So no, I don't think my standards are too high...I just haven't had a guy ask me out. What frustrates me is when people argue with me and say that my view is wrong. I just laugh at them and continue with my day. Now, I wish people would stop asking me why I am single....if I knew, I wouldn't be single anymore. Again, not in a rush, while at the same time, I really miss that companionship and I will continue to miss it while I don't have it. Some people help more than others, but it isn't the same without the ability to have someone to hold.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Grr....arg
Today was hard. I was hard on myself, customers were hard on me, it was just beat on Sammi day. Lots of angry customers, our tools broke down, I got listened to by someone who had been there less time than me...it was all not helping my confidence at my job and it just made it hard. To top it off I ended up having to stay late for a sup call, ruined an appointment I had which had other bad things and I was just cranky.
Cranky started to go away a little bit, but then while in Salem the topics that happened on Friday came up again and it made me sad, frustrated, and fired up. To add to my day at work, none of that helped. I just became an emotional wreck. Let's add the whipped cream. After ALL of this, I had a counseling appointment which always tears me raw in the best and worst ways.
On my way home I took deep breaths and calmed my mind down. I know I am doing well at my job, just encountering some bumps in the road. I know I am a good person, I can't let stupid situations make me think otherwise. I am loved, and I know it....sometimes.
The cherry on top of my self-esteem pie in the face was rock band...I did not do well, after my lack of confidence all day, I couldn't get myself to sing as normal. I couldn't tell if it was that the microphone was messing up, or my throat was still hoarse from the spent emotions of the day, or if I just couldn't have confidence to sing it all. It could have been a mixture. That tiny pinprick in my day was the cherry....light but complete.
The night ended well with Jem reading again, even though the story brought me to the verge of tears, it was a powerful part of the story. It was still beautiful and gave great imagery. Stories and great hugs to end the night, it was hard for me to be a responsible adult and go home and sleep for work. I could have sat there and listened to him read all night if I could. Now I will go to bed, dream of a pumpkin sapling growing in a burnt garden. I will wake up and tomorrow will be good. It will wipe today away. Mind over matter, right?
Cranky started to go away a little bit, but then while in Salem the topics that happened on Friday came up again and it made me sad, frustrated, and fired up. To add to my day at work, none of that helped. I just became an emotional wreck. Let's add the whipped cream. After ALL of this, I had a counseling appointment which always tears me raw in the best and worst ways.
On my way home I took deep breaths and calmed my mind down. I know I am doing well at my job, just encountering some bumps in the road. I know I am a good person, I can't let stupid situations make me think otherwise. I am loved, and I know it....sometimes.
The cherry on top of my self-esteem pie in the face was rock band...I did not do well, after my lack of confidence all day, I couldn't get myself to sing as normal. I couldn't tell if it was that the microphone was messing up, or my throat was still hoarse from the spent emotions of the day, or if I just couldn't have confidence to sing it all. It could have been a mixture. That tiny pinprick in my day was the cherry....light but complete.
The night ended well with Jem reading again, even though the story brought me to the verge of tears, it was a powerful part of the story. It was still beautiful and gave great imagery. Stories and great hugs to end the night, it was hard for me to be a responsible adult and go home and sleep for work. I could have sat there and listened to him read all night if I could. Now I will go to bed, dream of a pumpkin sapling growing in a burnt garden. I will wake up and tomorrow will be good. It will wipe today away. Mind over matter, right?
(Insert Spiffy Title Here)
Ok, I couldn't think of a title, but here goes.
I'm still not entirely sure what the last bit of my last blog is about. Voicing my brain-puke seemed to make me forget about it I guess. We'll see.
On Friday I had a big board meeting. I was kind of looking forward to this meeting because I thought it would be great. Instead it turned into a big stressor and it was pretty emotional. I can't share much about it for confidentiality purposes, but I'm doing my best to help with damage control and see what we can do to fix the issues that are going on. It is hard though, I have some strong emotional ties to some of it and at one point there was a person that I really wanted to throw out of a window, but I wouldn't ever do that.....
After the board meeting I played games a little and it started to cheer me up, but Jem was helping more with that than anything. The game we were playing lasted longer than I anticipated and I was too tired to drive home so I stayed on Jem's bedroll in his living room. (yes, for certain readers, I felt the need to specify so no speculations would be made) It was cool though, we read a bit (more like he read, but still) and then went to bed.
Saturday was full of fun, sun, and happiness. Jem has rock band 3 and we play that A LOT. So we did some of that and then went to the nature park, sat in a tree and he read again while I braided his hair =] Yes, we are dorks, but it was awesome. Then, of course, being Saturday, we played more games. I felt like I was being an uber b**** most of the night, but at the same time, I wasn't. I blew up at our friend Kevin and he ended up leaving early. Kevin and I are cool now, but I still hope that never happens again. Aside from that, another blah moment happened at the end, I still don't think I was doing anything wrong, but I do need to have more confidence in my game-playing skills. I am doing much better now, I don't always suck anymore, even if it seems like it sometimes.
Yesterday was really cool. Bought some new cookbooks from goodwill and used one last night. I'm hoping to be able to cook something new once a week. So last night i made mushroom beef over rice. It turned out really well. Jem came over and ate with us and then we played Elixir where he played a card that made me win =] It was great. =] Next week I want to do some sort of stuffed chicken. Ali will be here and I haven't decided if I should invite another person or not. It makes me so happy to be back in the kitchen making new stuff again.
Today is my 90 day review at work. Wish me luck =] I'm off and all those biscuits.
I'm still not entirely sure what the last bit of my last blog is about. Voicing my brain-puke seemed to make me forget about it I guess. We'll see.
On Friday I had a big board meeting. I was kind of looking forward to this meeting because I thought it would be great. Instead it turned into a big stressor and it was pretty emotional. I can't share much about it for confidentiality purposes, but I'm doing my best to help with damage control and see what we can do to fix the issues that are going on. It is hard though, I have some strong emotional ties to some of it and at one point there was a person that I really wanted to throw out of a window, but I wouldn't ever do that.....
After the board meeting I played games a little and it started to cheer me up, but Jem was helping more with that than anything. The game we were playing lasted longer than I anticipated and I was too tired to drive home so I stayed on Jem's bedroll in his living room. (yes, for certain readers, I felt the need to specify so no speculations would be made) It was cool though, we read a bit (more like he read, but still) and then went to bed.
Saturday was full of fun, sun, and happiness. Jem has rock band 3 and we play that A LOT. So we did some of that and then went to the nature park, sat in a tree and he read again while I braided his hair =] Yes, we are dorks, but it was awesome. Then, of course, being Saturday, we played more games. I felt like I was being an uber b**** most of the night, but at the same time, I wasn't. I blew up at our friend Kevin and he ended up leaving early. Kevin and I are cool now, but I still hope that never happens again. Aside from that, another blah moment happened at the end, I still don't think I was doing anything wrong, but I do need to have more confidence in my game-playing skills. I am doing much better now, I don't always suck anymore, even if it seems like it sometimes.
Yesterday was really cool. Bought some new cookbooks from goodwill and used one last night. I'm hoping to be able to cook something new once a week. So last night i made mushroom beef over rice. It turned out really well. Jem came over and ate with us and then we played Elixir where he played a card that made me win =] It was great. =] Next week I want to do some sort of stuffed chicken. Ali will be here and I haven't decided if I should invite another person or not. It makes me so happy to be back in the kitchen making new stuff again.
Today is my 90 day review at work. Wish me luck =] I'm off and all those biscuits.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Music and Musings
Many discussions happen between me and many other people. I try to blog about them as I feel led by my creativity. This time it is music. Over time as I have grown up I noticed a lot of things I thought I liked were things I only liked because I thought it was the right thing to like or liking it would make me normal. Growing up with such judgmental people and living with that my whole life added to the other stresses I had, it's understandable that I would try and change myself to fit a mold so at least I felt like I had some sort of control. Well, over the last two years I've been trying to identify myself. Find those things that I don't really feel are true about me and find what is true.
Music in it's many forms fits so well into that. There is so much music that I thought I liked, and things about music that I thought I liked. Something vital that I have learned is that I don't see much of a point in music if you are just going to listen to it. Yes, music is supposed to be heard, but I feel it is meant to be interacted with. People listen to music as a background to their normal lives and that is cool, I just don't really have music just to listen to. I listen to music in my car, but I sing to it and it keeps me awake while I drive. I play music while I clean, but I clean to the beat and occasionally dance. I go to concerts, I play rock band or dancing games. Any time I listen to music, I am interacting with it somehow and that is the only way I think it should be for me. I'm not saying all should adopt this philosophy or else, this is just my vie and mine is one of many. Find it normal, find it weird, normal is just a word with no solid definition. I am me, I am unique, and I love it that way.
And now before I end, I'll leave you with this blurb. Call it abstract, an odd form of poetry, or just plain brain-puking...Call it what you want, but here it is:
Whenever I leave this place, a cord inside me pulls as if trying to get me to stay. I most likely could if I wanted, all I'd need is to choose the right words to say. Questions always arise in my head, confusion stirs in my heart. Laughter, heartache, peace, knowledge, and fear are all felt in a single moment, yet nothing changes...I still leave. I doubt my choices, but I stand firm to the words I've previously spoken. It tears me up, but everything is erased with one simple gesture and I forget...until I walk away. The gut-wrenching feeling is so real and tangible, I can feel it and it moves inside of me. I just do not know what to do about it. If the situation is spoken aloud, it either seems outrageous or wrong. Therefore I continue to contemplate...think on it...wonder...could I do something differently? Should I do something differently? Will the motions continue moving in circles, repeating their order while nothing changes? Or will that final moment come to fruition and appease the curiosity of my wondering mind?
And while I think I know what this is about, I didn't realize it until I wrote it...and I could still be wrong...I just felt like typing this out exactly as I thought it with no changes or additions, straight brain-puke. Sorry, the brain puke does not get an explanation. Cheers!
One last thing. Rain makes me REALLY happy. I love all of Oregon's weather. =]
Music in it's many forms fits so well into that. There is so much music that I thought I liked, and things about music that I thought I liked. Something vital that I have learned is that I don't see much of a point in music if you are just going to listen to it. Yes, music is supposed to be heard, but I feel it is meant to be interacted with. People listen to music as a background to their normal lives and that is cool, I just don't really have music just to listen to. I listen to music in my car, but I sing to it and it keeps me awake while I drive. I play music while I clean, but I clean to the beat and occasionally dance. I go to concerts, I play rock band or dancing games. Any time I listen to music, I am interacting with it somehow and that is the only way I think it should be for me. I'm not saying all should adopt this philosophy or else, this is just my vie and mine is one of many. Find it normal, find it weird, normal is just a word with no solid definition. I am me, I am unique, and I love it that way.
And now before I end, I'll leave you with this blurb. Call it abstract, an odd form of poetry, or just plain brain-puking...Call it what you want, but here it is:
Whenever I leave this place, a cord inside me pulls as if trying to get me to stay. I most likely could if I wanted, all I'd need is to choose the right words to say. Questions always arise in my head, confusion stirs in my heart. Laughter, heartache, peace, knowledge, and fear are all felt in a single moment, yet nothing changes...I still leave. I doubt my choices, but I stand firm to the words I've previously spoken. It tears me up, but everything is erased with one simple gesture and I forget...until I walk away. The gut-wrenching feeling is so real and tangible, I can feel it and it moves inside of me. I just do not know what to do about it. If the situation is spoken aloud, it either seems outrageous or wrong. Therefore I continue to contemplate...think on it...wonder...could I do something differently? Should I do something differently? Will the motions continue moving in circles, repeating their order while nothing changes? Or will that final moment come to fruition and appease the curiosity of my wondering mind?
And while I think I know what this is about, I didn't realize it until I wrote it...and I could still be wrong...I just felt like typing this out exactly as I thought it with no changes or additions, straight brain-puke. Sorry, the brain puke does not get an explanation. Cheers!
One last thing. Rain makes me REALLY happy. I love all of Oregon's weather. =]
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Books and Brains
OKay, I need to sleep so I'm making this short-ish.
Something I've talked a lot about these last few weeks with my friends in and out of work is books. I love books. All kinds of books. I really love old books, used books, books that have character. People raise their noses to dirty, used, bent books, but I love them. I love books that people have highlighted, written in, dog-eared, etc. I like when people write their names in books and the next owner writes theirs and so on. I love book stores that you can get lost in, stores that have so much character that you find a new piece every time you go.
One of the floor supervisors at my work is amazing, he loves books as much as I do. His fiance goes to these really cool shops. I think we are going to go explore some shops in Portland. I love Powell's but they are too clean for me, I want to find the hole-in-the-wall bookstore that has a maze of shelves and the smell of old books greets you as you walk in.
I also want to find some older prints of some classic lit novels and some older prints of Shakespeare plays.
I just have books on the brain. I <3 to read. Reading to myself, reading at work, being read to, reading to others. (Though I'm not that good at reading the parts.)
Another thing that makes me happy up here in Beaverton is the way people think. The views of people up here are dramatically different than a lot of people in Salem. People here don't judge nearly as much. Some of the people I've met up here are helping me to have more confidence in my quirks. I'm happier being me. This is good.
Goodnight.
Something I've talked a lot about these last few weeks with my friends in and out of work is books. I love books. All kinds of books. I really love old books, used books, books that have character. People raise their noses to dirty, used, bent books, but I love them. I love books that people have highlighted, written in, dog-eared, etc. I like when people write their names in books and the next owner writes theirs and so on. I love book stores that you can get lost in, stores that have so much character that you find a new piece every time you go.
One of the floor supervisors at my work is amazing, he loves books as much as I do. His fiance goes to these really cool shops. I think we are going to go explore some shops in Portland. I love Powell's but they are too clean for me, I want to find the hole-in-the-wall bookstore that has a maze of shelves and the smell of old books greets you as you walk in.
I also want to find some older prints of some classic lit novels and some older prints of Shakespeare plays.
I just have books on the brain. I <3 to read. Reading to myself, reading at work, being read to, reading to others. (Though I'm not that good at reading the parts.)
Another thing that makes me happy up here in Beaverton is the way people think. The views of people up here are dramatically different than a lot of people in Salem. People here don't judge nearly as much. Some of the people I've met up here are helping me to have more confidence in my quirks. I'm happier being me. This is good.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Hair-Braiding, Hugs and Happiness
So to tie in the end of my last post, reading outside didn't happen. Rain came out to play and rain does not mix well with books. Either way, Jem and I played rock band while we waited for his friend Calvin to come over. I also watched him play Starcraft II. I like the concept of the game, don't know if I have the dexterity for it, but I will give it a shot. It does look like a lot of fun. I also braided Jem's hair, hahaha. I love playing with hair and he just has so stinking much of it. Now Mariona needs to braid my hair =] It was really funny because last night I had a dream where the three of us were all out in the sun, Jem was reading, I was braiding his hair and Mariona was braiding mine. lol. There was another aspect of the dream, but for certain people's sake, I think I'll leave that detail out :D I don't fully understand the dream, I do think dreams have some sort of meaning, but I don't know that any person will ever actually know for sure what that meaning is about their own dreams. For now I'll stick with my hunches and find out later if they are right or wrong.
I've played so many board games this weekend, it is amazing. I even won some, that was even more amazing. Let's see, we played Princes of Florence twice, Liars dice three times, Agricola Farmer's of the Moor expansion 1.5 times, Glory to Rome, Resistance, Ti Chu, Through the Ages, Power Boats, and Biblios twice. It was a ton of fun. I won Princes of Florence once, Liar's Dice twice, and Biblios once. My ranks is moving up, hahaha. I failed so badly at TiChu and Power Boats, and Through the Ages, but of all of those, Through the Ages is the one where I want a rematch and think I could have a closer battle if BOTH of us(Jem and I) play by ALL the rules. Jem cheats =]
A lot of other things have come up this weekend in discussions. Like marriage...this might ruffle some feathers, I don't know why, but it might. I don't want to go through the whole wedding thing. For a while I had always wanted to be married, but then I learned about the laws that if you are with someone for a set period of time you are legally considered married. Then I thought, well why do I have to go through all that hassle then? Why do I have to have some minister tell me I am committed to my husband if I decide on my own that I am committed to him? why do I have to go through a ceremony and pay all this money just to tell the world that I love this one person? I dunno, it's been my stance on it for a while. Most of me feels like a "marriage" just makes it so you feel like you "have to" be with that person, or it puts that air on the relationship, then if it doesn't work out you have to pay money to sever it. And I know that that is supposed to deter people from getting married if they don't think it will work, but really who goes into a marriage thinking "I hope this works out." Everyone I know is sure it will work out and then it doesn't. Ok this whole thing is getting jumbled in my ramble and I'll just stop. Feel free to ask for clarifications.
The end of my weekend held some stress and emotion stuff that I didn't really have an outlet for at the time it was going on, or there wasn't a good time to bring it up to rant about it in my mind. So today I started with just random stuff going through my head and I'm good at compartmentalizing my feelings so I don't "feel" them when I don't want to. I don't like being an emotional wreck, even though it really isn't an emotional wreck if it is just a bout of emotion caused by a turn of events. Anyway, I was doing just fine at the compartmentalizing of the emotion until I was about to go home. I got a really awesome hug. It was a hug a lot like one I explained in a post before, where I just felt really secure. I felt such a strong emotion that I almost started crying. It confused me so much. It was a hug that made my compartment walls come down for a brief moment and I wasn't protecting myself. I didn't want to leave but then I did because I probably would have cried and then I would have been embarrassed and then my anxiety would have taken over and just envision a train-wreck, lol. It was probably the best hug I've had in two years. (Yeah, I know that the person who gave the hug will read this, but I don't see any reason to filter my blog posts for that reason, so I'm not.) Various hypothesis run through my head about it all, but those I probably will filter out. :D
Good night all =]
I've played so many board games this weekend, it is amazing. I even won some, that was even more amazing. Let's see, we played Princes of Florence twice, Liars dice three times, Agricola Farmer's of the Moor expansion 1.5 times, Glory to Rome, Resistance, Ti Chu, Through the Ages, Power Boats, and Biblios twice. It was a ton of fun. I won Princes of Florence once, Liar's Dice twice, and Biblios once. My ranks is moving up, hahaha. I failed so badly at TiChu and Power Boats, and Through the Ages, but of all of those, Through the Ages is the one where I want a rematch and think I could have a closer battle if BOTH of us(Jem and I) play by ALL the rules. Jem cheats =]
A lot of other things have come up this weekend in discussions. Like marriage...this might ruffle some feathers, I don't know why, but it might. I don't want to go through the whole wedding thing. For a while I had always wanted to be married, but then I learned about the laws that if you are with someone for a set period of time you are legally considered married. Then I thought, well why do I have to go through all that hassle then? Why do I have to have some minister tell me I am committed to my husband if I decide on my own that I am committed to him? why do I have to go through a ceremony and pay all this money just to tell the world that I love this one person? I dunno, it's been my stance on it for a while. Most of me feels like a "marriage" just makes it so you feel like you "have to" be with that person, or it puts that air on the relationship, then if it doesn't work out you have to pay money to sever it. And I know that that is supposed to deter people from getting married if they don't think it will work, but really who goes into a marriage thinking "I hope this works out." Everyone I know is sure it will work out and then it doesn't. Ok this whole thing is getting jumbled in my ramble and I'll just stop. Feel free to ask for clarifications.
The end of my weekend held some stress and emotion stuff that I didn't really have an outlet for at the time it was going on, or there wasn't a good time to bring it up to rant about it in my mind. So today I started with just random stuff going through my head and I'm good at compartmentalizing my feelings so I don't "feel" them when I don't want to. I don't like being an emotional wreck, even though it really isn't an emotional wreck if it is just a bout of emotion caused by a turn of events. Anyway, I was doing just fine at the compartmentalizing of the emotion until I was about to go home. I got a really awesome hug. It was a hug a lot like one I explained in a post before, where I just felt really secure. I felt such a strong emotion that I almost started crying. It confused me so much. It was a hug that made my compartment walls come down for a brief moment and I wasn't protecting myself. I didn't want to leave but then I did because I probably would have cried and then I would have been embarrassed and then my anxiety would have taken over and just envision a train-wreck, lol. It was probably the best hug I've had in two years. (Yeah, I know that the person who gave the hug will read this, but I don't see any reason to filter my blog posts for that reason, so I'm not.) Various hypothesis run through my head about it all, but those I probably will filter out. :D
Good night all =]
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The Awesome-Sauce Continues
I can't be on long for my own sanity and sleep pattern, but I have to post more.
Today was an amazing day to follow yesterday. I had a blast at work, laughed so hard I actually physically laughed so hard I had to sit down which happened to be on the floor in the middle of a walkway, but it was great. We had a great conversation about Ian and how my manager thinks he is gay, while I know he isn't hahaha. Then it continued to go into talks about the two guys that are having sex changes that are on the same contract, which led somehow into if I had any kids and yeah it was just a random day. I had great calls, no stress today, and I ended the pay period with overtime (not as much as I anticipated originally, but still overtime nonetheless).
After work I hung out with a variety of amazing people. Saw someone who I haven't seen in years and might not have seen on any other occasion and then proceeded to end my night with lots of laughs. (Mostly because I am so deliriously tired that everything is funny and the funny things are funnier.)
The only downside is my sleep deprivation made my anxiety worse at times. I really thought I was annoying people all day today and only spoke aloud of it once when I was with Jem. I joke about it a lot but I do worry that sometimes people wish they had duct tape for me...ya never know. Sometimes I want duct tape for MYSELF. lol.
I had some interesting conversations today with various people and I'm just happy. Happy doesn't begin to cover it, but happy will have to do. Tomorrow is looking promising as ever, maybe if it is nice out I can convince Jem that sitting outside and reading for a while or so in between Rock Band and Board Gaming is a splendid idea. (Or maybe I'll be lucky and he will read this and the seed will be planted before I arrive, hahaha)
Pretty picture to end the post:
Today was an amazing day to follow yesterday. I had a blast at work, laughed so hard I actually physically laughed so hard I had to sit down which happened to be on the floor in the middle of a walkway, but it was great. We had a great conversation about Ian and how my manager thinks he is gay, while I know he isn't hahaha. Then it continued to go into talks about the two guys that are having sex changes that are on the same contract, which led somehow into if I had any kids and yeah it was just a random day. I had great calls, no stress today, and I ended the pay period with overtime (not as much as I anticipated originally, but still overtime nonetheless).
After work I hung out with a variety of amazing people. Saw someone who I haven't seen in years and might not have seen on any other occasion and then proceeded to end my night with lots of laughs. (Mostly because I am so deliriously tired that everything is funny and the funny things are funnier.)
The only downside is my sleep deprivation made my anxiety worse at times. I really thought I was annoying people all day today and only spoke aloud of it once when I was with Jem. I joke about it a lot but I do worry that sometimes people wish they had duct tape for me...ya never know. Sometimes I want duct tape for MYSELF. lol.
Pretty picture to end the post:
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Life and Happiness
Today has been so uplifting and just plain amazing. I may have woken up late, but so many good things happened at work. I got great customer surveys, and for things that most people get bad scores for. I got another great call coaching, I had fun with my coworkers...it was just a wonderful day at work.
To top it off, played some rock band, pwned at some D&D, and got a bunch of productive stuff done. I am so happy with today.
I've also been thinking a lot about all my talk about hugs. I really do have some great friends who give great hugs. I think the best hugs from any of my friends is a tie between Bethany and Jem. I can't break the tie because they each have their own reasons for being awesome. I miss seeing Bethany more, but I love the blips of time I get to see her when I pop down to Salem. Jem is a great listener, if I annoy the snot out of him, he doesn't show it so I don't think I do =] and he gives awesome hugs to boot. You both rock my socks.
In other news, money is tight, but I'm working things out. I love all the contact I'm having with the family that is talking to me right now, and I can't wait for it to continue. More drama about family, but I try not to make that too public.
I need to make this short, I REALLY have to sleep. I just needed to *squee* about my day =]
To top it off, played some rock band, pwned at some D&D, and got a bunch of productive stuff done. I am so happy with today.
I've also been thinking a lot about all my talk about hugs. I really do have some great friends who give great hugs. I think the best hugs from any of my friends is a tie between Bethany and Jem. I can't break the tie because they each have their own reasons for being awesome. I miss seeing Bethany more, but I love the blips of time I get to see her when I pop down to Salem. Jem is a great listener, if I annoy the snot out of him, he doesn't show it so I don't think I do =] and he gives awesome hugs to boot. You both rock my socks.
In other news, money is tight, but I'm working things out. I love all the contact I'm having with the family that is talking to me right now, and I can't wait for it to continue. More drama about family, but I try not to make that too public.
I need to make this short, I REALLY have to sleep. I just needed to *squee* about my day =]
Stuff of Olde
When I was 20 I was asked to write about where I wanted to be in ten years. I found that sheet of paper. I remember writing it and it encouraged me, thought I'd share =] It won't look as cool because I can't edit it the same in here, but the words are what matter. I wrote it in blurbs as if I was in that time =]
The year is 2018.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Celebrate the big three-OH!
I am unique...trul unique.
I'm free, I'm playful, I'm confident.
I'm just happy being me.
No longer hiding behind the illusions thread by little twists of reality.
Through an internal transformation I am becoming a better woman in every way.
Exploring the great relationships I come upon in life.
Married with a kid and happier than ever.
A sweet, sexy, funny, curious, and creative mother.
Gotta have my reading room.
Books made a difference in my life.
Life is a river of words that I float along.
The world is a mirror that shows beauty and change.
Knowledge is power.
It is good to be grown up.
I'm still learning as life throws its punches.
Sometimes it takes more than the moon and the starts.
The mind is truly magical, a surprise inside every one.
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.
I am the author and publisher of my own success story.
Committed to forgiving the people of my past in heart and mind.
God is the center and saving me from my mistkes, giving me a fresh start.
I have overcome my asthma, depression and the barriers associated with my ADHD and Anxiety.
It's O.K. to want in life.
A lifetime of learning leading to my success in Psychology.
Meetings, deadlines, and projects are a big part of it all.
Helping children with difficulties.
Giving a child something to swing besides his fist.
Striving to teach, laugh, and be there for whoever needs me.
Take a moment because every moment is a place I've never been.
Become part of a family.
A fresh new start.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Forever young.
Hope you enjoyed =]
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Celebrate the big three-OH!
I am unique...trul unique.
I'm free, I'm playful, I'm confident.
I'm just happy being me.
No longer hiding behind the illusions thread by little twists of reality.
Through an internal transformation I am becoming a better woman in every way.
Exploring the great relationships I come upon in life.
Married with a kid and happier than ever.
A sweet, sexy, funny, curious, and creative mother.
Gotta have my reading room.
Books made a difference in my life.
Life is a river of words that I float along.
The world is a mirror that shows beauty and change.
Knowledge is power.
It is good to be grown up.
I'm still learning as life throws its punches.
Sometimes it takes more than the moon and the starts.
The mind is truly magical, a surprise inside every one.
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.
I am the author and publisher of my own success story.
Committed to forgiving the people of my past in heart and mind.
God is the center and saving me from my mistkes, giving me a fresh start.
I have overcome my asthma, depression and the barriers associated with my ADHD and Anxiety.
It's O.K. to want in life.
A lifetime of learning leading to my success in Psychology.
Meetings, deadlines, and projects are a big part of it all.
Helping children with difficulties.
Giving a child something to swing besides his fist.
Striving to teach, laugh, and be there for whoever needs me.
Take a moment because every moment is a place I've never been.
Become part of a family.
A fresh new start.
Samantha Evelyn Feldman
Forever young.
Hope you enjoyed =]
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Goals
OK! I am going to post this semi-short post about my current goals. Since I'm taking some time off of school to re-direct my life, I want to set some goals to accomplish.
-Look into getting a DSLR.
-Cook 1 new meal a week. Something new that I find in a recipe book or I create. Journal about it.
-post here at least once a week, once a day if I can.
-Check out majors and make sure I am doing what I want to do before I go back
-DO A PRO/CON LIST for majors
-Meet with an advisor
-edit resume again
more to be added, all I can think of off the top of my head.
-Look into getting a DSLR.
-Cook 1 new meal a week. Something new that I find in a recipe book or I create. Journal about it.
-post here at least once a week, once a day if I can.
-Check out majors and make sure I am doing what I want to do before I go back
-DO A PRO/CON LIST for majors
-Meet with an advisor
-edit resume again
more to be added, all I can think of off the top of my head.
Mile-An-Hour Mind
Lots of fun stuff to update on. Well, sort of.
I'll start with work. I'm trying not to freak out about my job. I don't think I will get fired, but I am on a performance plan which means my stats aren't up to par and they want to put me through a specialized training to help me improve. They will listen to three extra calls of mine a week, I have to have someone sit with me and listen to my calls and I listen to them do some calls. It is a program for 7 weeks and if I don't improve, I could be fired. My manager assured me that he thinks that I will be just fine, I just wish my anxiety would allow me to believe that. My anxiety is running like an elephant in my brain and it sucks. What is good for me is that I keep getting call coachings (where they listen to your call and grade you on it) and I get raving reviews. There is only one I have not passed and it was kind of a fluke, but I have gotten 100% on most of the rest, others I will get 89% or 95% which is still awesome. It is just that I'm not getting the customer surveys coming in. It is so frustrating. I'm really trying to be ok with it. When I talk out loud about it I try to be all ok with it but I'm freaking out on the inside. We will see how this goes. I really love my manager, he has my back and I am putting my trust in him on this.
With living in Beaverton it has been hard to keep as strong of contact with people from Salem. Some people put as much effort as I do so it is easy, but others expect me to do all the work. I have been really good about standing my ground on this. I am not letting people abuse my friendship. I really believe that if I am driving 45 miles from Beaverton to Salem and their house is out of my way, I can fully expect them to find a way to come 3 miles to meet me downtown. I am holding true to this, so this is the first time I am not ranting about this. I like it. When people complain they can't argue with my logic. I drove 45 miles and they can't come to see me? yeah they have no rebuttal. lol.
My anxiety is getting manageable. My worst anxiety is geared toward failure so the stuff at work was affecting me pretty bad. Finally I got the courage to talk to my manager about it and he was so awesome. He was glad I talked to him about it because I guess someone else was going through the same thing but instead of talking about it the guy just got so stressed he walked out and left his job. I won't do that, and my manager is up front and honest with me instead of babying me after finding out about my anxiety. It is a great help to me.
Another thing, I love that I am pretty much the counselor to all my friends without being a counselor hahaha. The only thing is at work it makes it kind of difficult. I'm generally seen as a leader in my training group so people come to me to ask for advice but don't want to talk to higher ups when I don't feel comfortable about it because I can't do anything about it, only listen and give advice. Sometimes it involves sensetive HR reportable information and I don't want it to affect my job performance...I also don't want to bail on the people who talk to me. blah. lol. Why do I have to be so dang nice sometimes. =] My manager is giving me advice on that so he is just an all around helper =]
One thing I miss a lot lately is TV. I miss being able to veg on the couch sometimes and watch TV. Hulu is a great help with that, but now TV channels aren't allowing their shows to come online for a week and it sucks when everything is ruined for me before I watch it.
I'm typing this at work....and my mind is just not here today. Too tired. I'll end this here and call it. lol.
I'll start with work. I'm trying not to freak out about my job. I don't think I will get fired, but I am on a performance plan which means my stats aren't up to par and they want to put me through a specialized training to help me improve. They will listen to three extra calls of mine a week, I have to have someone sit with me and listen to my calls and I listen to them do some calls. It is a program for 7 weeks and if I don't improve, I could be fired. My manager assured me that he thinks that I will be just fine, I just wish my anxiety would allow me to believe that. My anxiety is running like an elephant in my brain and it sucks. What is good for me is that I keep getting call coachings (where they listen to your call and grade you on it) and I get raving reviews. There is only one I have not passed and it was kind of a fluke, but I have gotten 100% on most of the rest, others I will get 89% or 95% which is still awesome. It is just that I'm not getting the customer surveys coming in. It is so frustrating. I'm really trying to be ok with it. When I talk out loud about it I try to be all ok with it but I'm freaking out on the inside. We will see how this goes. I really love my manager, he has my back and I am putting my trust in him on this.
With living in Beaverton it has been hard to keep as strong of contact with people from Salem. Some people put as much effort as I do so it is easy, but others expect me to do all the work. I have been really good about standing my ground on this. I am not letting people abuse my friendship. I really believe that if I am driving 45 miles from Beaverton to Salem and their house is out of my way, I can fully expect them to find a way to come 3 miles to meet me downtown. I am holding true to this, so this is the first time I am not ranting about this. I like it. When people complain they can't argue with my logic. I drove 45 miles and they can't come to see me? yeah they have no rebuttal. lol.
My anxiety is getting manageable. My worst anxiety is geared toward failure so the stuff at work was affecting me pretty bad. Finally I got the courage to talk to my manager about it and he was so awesome. He was glad I talked to him about it because I guess someone else was going through the same thing but instead of talking about it the guy just got so stressed he walked out and left his job. I won't do that, and my manager is up front and honest with me instead of babying me after finding out about my anxiety. It is a great help to me.
Another thing, I love that I am pretty much the counselor to all my friends without being a counselor hahaha. The only thing is at work it makes it kind of difficult. I'm generally seen as a leader in my training group so people come to me to ask for advice but don't want to talk to higher ups when I don't feel comfortable about it because I can't do anything about it, only listen and give advice. Sometimes it involves sensetive HR reportable information and I don't want it to affect my job performance...I also don't want to bail on the people who talk to me. blah. lol. Why do I have to be so dang nice sometimes. =] My manager is giving me advice on that so he is just an all around helper =]
One thing I miss a lot lately is TV. I miss being able to veg on the couch sometimes and watch TV. Hulu is a great help with that, but now TV channels aren't allowing their shows to come online for a week and it sucks when everything is ruined for me before I watch it.
I'm typing this at work....and my mind is just not here today. Too tired. I'll end this here and call it. lol.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Not Much to See Here
Ok, not much to post tonight..I think. lol.
Today at work was great on the call front...but I'm being put on an action plan. This is not good. I talked to my boss and he says I shouldn't freak out (easy for him to say) he just is really confident in my skills. Even he doesn't know why I'm not getting the stats in, because he listens to my calls and trusts my knowledge. We will see what happens but it is very nerve wracking for me.
After work I went to my first full counseling appointment in at least 3 months. Yes, I go to counseling, I think it is a good thing. I go for my anxiety, it really is a somewhat debilitating anxiety, I just don't show it a lot. I'm too prideful. It was a great talk with her and it makes me feel great about the choices I've made since the last time we talked. She is so supportive of me, it is nice.
ok, really not much else to say. To part, here is the before and after picture of my hair. I don't know why I look like I do in the before picture, but meh, it's ok. lol. It's just to give an idea of length =]
Today at work was great on the call front...but I'm being put on an action plan. This is not good. I talked to my boss and he says I shouldn't freak out (easy for him to say) he just is really confident in my skills. Even he doesn't know why I'm not getting the stats in, because he listens to my calls and trusts my knowledge. We will see what happens but it is very nerve wracking for me.
After work I went to my first full counseling appointment in at least 3 months. Yes, I go to counseling, I think it is a good thing. I go for my anxiety, it really is a somewhat debilitating anxiety, I just don't show it a lot. I'm too prideful. It was a great talk with her and it makes me feel great about the choices I've made since the last time we talked. She is so supportive of me, it is nice.
ok, really not much else to say. To part, here is the before and after picture of my hair. I don't know why I look like I do in the before picture, but meh, it's ok. lol. It's just to give an idea of length =]
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sputterings and Splashes of Thoughts
(written over two days, forgive if thoughts drift in the middle. lol)
I think the amount of stress I had to deal with on Friday was too much. I slept in, but my mind was still exhausted. I don't like it when that happens. I woke up with a head ache, took some ibuprofen and then slept for a bit longer. When I have a day that emotional (ending in more emotion as I posted) it was just too much I guess. Also, going to bed with such deep emotions running through my head made me have weird dreams. So weird, that I won't repeat them here. The dreams just caught me by surprise. I don't know what to think about them. I never really know how to take my dreams or if I should take anything from them, but I do believe that something in dreams can mean something, it just depends on if you get the right message.
I hacked half my hair off. It was a really refreshing feeling. I don't fully understand why, but it just was. My hair is all even now, my highlights still remain a little at the bottom. I think I'll dye them purple. I don't know what else I was going to say here, oh well. =]
Today is Sunday and I have to say those thoughts of longing didn't bother me today. My attempts to suppress them again seem to be working. I know I'll still think them and feel them until that void is filled again, and that is alright, but they aren't at the forefront of my vision like they have been for the past few days.
I had a lot of fun today. Played Magic with Jem and rock band, then we went to Portland. Our plans were foiled in Portland, so we went to Rainy Day, played two board games and then the Magic the Gathering Pre-Release Sealed Tournament. I failed miserably, but it was fun nonetheless. I did win 1 match and I had a draw for one (meaning we didn't win or lose) and it was my first tournament since I was 14. It went well. I remembered exactly why I loved it for so long. This trend will continue. =]
It was really cool today, Jem and I had a pretty personal conversation, but I didn't feel nervous or anything. I helped me realize some things though. One thing that I didn't realize until now...I couldn't think of many reasons why I liked my ex for so long. It just points out to me how much I was blinded by the connection I felt that we had. We did have a lot in common and were able to be awkward and anti-social together, but I couldn't think of anything today that I would consider to be something worth the amount of time I spent in that relationship. He did give really good hugs and was good at being comforting, but I can have that in friends as well to a point (read last post again to understand that). I'll stop rambling about that, it was just nice to know I don't long after him anymore, that talking about him does not make me miss him anymore. I had never really noticed because nobody had asked about him for a loooooooong time, so I had no comparison.
Last but not least, my anxiety. It sometimes gets worse, with certain people I feel a lot less anxiety. For example, I am always anxious when it comes to annoying people. I always feel like people want me to shut up but won't say anything, or that people don't like my conversation topics and won't say anything. Stuff like that. That is a big generalization, but not enough time to clarify a ton right now. Other times, I worry that people are angry at me and don't say anything. I don't fully understand this...I'll give more info as I do. I do know it makes me more emotional at work because a lot of my anxiety is geared towards my quality of work.....and it is not good right now. =[ Well I think it is, but the numbers don't show it =[
Have fun all, hope you are enjoying these tidbits into my brain.
I think the amount of stress I had to deal with on Friday was too much. I slept in, but my mind was still exhausted. I don't like it when that happens. I woke up with a head ache, took some ibuprofen and then slept for a bit longer. When I have a day that emotional (ending in more emotion as I posted) it was just too much I guess. Also, going to bed with such deep emotions running through my head made me have weird dreams. So weird, that I won't repeat them here. The dreams just caught me by surprise. I don't know what to think about them. I never really know how to take my dreams or if I should take anything from them, but I do believe that something in dreams can mean something, it just depends on if you get the right message.
I hacked half my hair off. It was a really refreshing feeling. I don't fully understand why, but it just was. My hair is all even now, my highlights still remain a little at the bottom. I think I'll dye them purple. I don't know what else I was going to say here, oh well. =]
Today is Sunday and I have to say those thoughts of longing didn't bother me today. My attempts to suppress them again seem to be working. I know I'll still think them and feel them until that void is filled again, and that is alright, but they aren't at the forefront of my vision like they have been for the past few days.
I had a lot of fun today. Played Magic with Jem and rock band, then we went to Portland. Our plans were foiled in Portland, so we went to Rainy Day, played two board games and then the Magic the Gathering Pre-Release Sealed Tournament. I failed miserably, but it was fun nonetheless. I did win 1 match and I had a draw for one (meaning we didn't win or lose) and it was my first tournament since I was 14. It went well. I remembered exactly why I loved it for so long. This trend will continue. =]
It was really cool today, Jem and I had a pretty personal conversation, but I didn't feel nervous or anything. I helped me realize some things though. One thing that I didn't realize until now...I couldn't think of many reasons why I liked my ex for so long. It just points out to me how much I was blinded by the connection I felt that we had. We did have a lot in common and were able to be awkward and anti-social together, but I couldn't think of anything today that I would consider to be something worth the amount of time I spent in that relationship. He did give really good hugs and was good at being comforting, but I can have that in friends as well to a point (read last post again to understand that). I'll stop rambling about that, it was just nice to know I don't long after him anymore, that talking about him does not make me miss him anymore. I had never really noticed because nobody had asked about him for a loooooooong time, so I had no comparison.
Last but not least, my anxiety. It sometimes gets worse, with certain people I feel a lot less anxiety. For example, I am always anxious when it comes to annoying people. I always feel like people want me to shut up but won't say anything, or that people don't like my conversation topics and won't say anything. Stuff like that. That is a big generalization, but not enough time to clarify a ton right now. Other times, I worry that people are angry at me and don't say anything. I don't fully understand this...I'll give more info as I do. I do know it makes me more emotional at work because a lot of my anxiety is geared towards my quality of work.....and it is not good right now. =[ Well I think it is, but the numbers don't show it =[
Have fun all, hope you are enjoying these tidbits into my brain.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Longing
To clear things up...I use this blog to get out my thoughts. I get out all of my thoughts, the good, the bad, and the iffy. I never promised this would be a blog of happy-go-lucky posts. I do have a ton of happiness, but I also have anxiety, fears, worries, etc. This is my outlet. This is where my thoughts come out. I'm pretty open, ask me questions....if I don't want to share I won't, but don't be afraid to ask. Some parts of my life I'll only go into detail in private conversation. Some things don't need to be public view...also some people still judge for things that have happened to me. People assume that because most people can't handle hardships that anyone who has hardship is broken. Yes, I am broken sometimes, but it does not affect how I live my life as much as it did when it was happening....and I don't use it as an excuse for doing things in the present. I am a puzzle that has pieced back together after being torn apart. I take pride in the beauty that has been my life and I wouldn't change a thing.
On to the updates.
It's days like today that follow a blog post like the one last night that keep me thinking. It's kind of frustrating...now that I wrote all of that about my thoughts, now it's hard to suppress those thoughts again. It's days like today that I would come home to one of those strong, male hugs that could fix anything. I could use a hug like that right now. A hug that is more like an embrace...one that makes every worry melt, a hug with meaning. I want one of those right now more than anything. I can do things and have fun, those things will cheer me up, I will smile and laugh and it will work, but right now I'm alone and all I want is the kind of hug that will make all of my worries fade away.
Dang...I opened the floodgates last night and let thoughts come out that I haven't thought in a while. This sense of longing won't go away right now. And now it is more obvious. I get that nasty empty pit of my stomach feeling when I think about it. These thoughts don't make me cry, and talking about them really helps...so don't stop talking to me about things...just someone should give me a hug, a really good hug. I know it won't be the same, but a friendly hug is better than no hug at all.
Geez I sound like a sad sap right now, and now I'm fighting my anxiety...the part of me that wants to delete all of that so I don't sound like an emotional wreck. I really am not an emotional wreck and my last relationship wasn't as traumatic as you might think...(I won't disclose it on here because that person's family reads this and it would not be fair)
Aside from all of that, back to talk of work and life and stuff. What is the answer? 42. What should I bring to work? My towel. What shall I drink? A plastic cup filled with a liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Can you tell what book I'm reading at work? if not, you are clearly inferior =]
I do have some stresses going on at work. Today I had a call that made me get up and walk to our Manager station to say "What the heck is going on?!" and I was so frustrated and so adamant to keep myself professional that I cried....I couldn't express my anger and frustration in any other way....if I didn't cry, I might have been fired for melting the face off the supervisor with my words....I kept it professional. It will be resolved. I'll have a blast this weekend and go back to work on monday refreshed and ready to go. You'd think after all of this I'd like my job less, but that is not the case. I know that the situation was a fluke and I know jobs have their stresses, it just makes my day not so much fun while I deal with it all.
In other news...I'm losing so much weight! most of my pants don't fit me anymore...I can actually wear shirts I couldn't wear before. I fit into my skinny jeans....I'm happy about it. Then some jerk-hole is comparing me to another girl in the cafe at work...I don't think he thought I could hear him...but he basically said he'd never be interested in someone my size, no matter how nice I was, but the other girl (who was a known wretch) he said he'd try and get with her. Ok, I might even understand a little bit if the guy talking wasn't twice if not three times my size. I was so mad! I made it known that I heard him without saying a word. I glared and walked away. I am less insecure about my weight than I was 80lbs ago...but it's people like that that make me so angry.
Shoot, I've got to go.
On to the updates.
It's days like today that follow a blog post like the one last night that keep me thinking. It's kind of frustrating...now that I wrote all of that about my thoughts, now it's hard to suppress those thoughts again. It's days like today that I would come home to one of those strong, male hugs that could fix anything. I could use a hug like that right now. A hug that is more like an embrace...one that makes every worry melt, a hug with meaning. I want one of those right now more than anything. I can do things and have fun, those things will cheer me up, I will smile and laugh and it will work, but right now I'm alone and all I want is the kind of hug that will make all of my worries fade away.
Dang...I opened the floodgates last night and let thoughts come out that I haven't thought in a while. This sense of longing won't go away right now. And now it is more obvious. I get that nasty empty pit of my stomach feeling when I think about it. These thoughts don't make me cry, and talking about them really helps...so don't stop talking to me about things...just someone should give me a hug, a really good hug. I know it won't be the same, but a friendly hug is better than no hug at all.
Geez I sound like a sad sap right now, and now I'm fighting my anxiety...the part of me that wants to delete all of that so I don't sound like an emotional wreck. I really am not an emotional wreck and my last relationship wasn't as traumatic as you might think...(I won't disclose it on here because that person's family reads this and it would not be fair)
Aside from all of that, back to talk of work and life and stuff. What is the answer? 42. What should I bring to work? My towel. What shall I drink? A plastic cup filled with a liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Can you tell what book I'm reading at work? if not, you are clearly inferior =]
I do have some stresses going on at work. Today I had a call that made me get up and walk to our Manager station to say "What the heck is going on?!" and I was so frustrated and so adamant to keep myself professional that I cried....I couldn't express my anger and frustration in any other way....if I didn't cry, I might have been fired for melting the face off the supervisor with my words....I kept it professional. It will be resolved. I'll have a blast this weekend and go back to work on monday refreshed and ready to go. You'd think after all of this I'd like my job less, but that is not the case. I know that the situation was a fluke and I know jobs have their stresses, it just makes my day not so much fun while I deal with it all.
In other news...I'm losing so much weight! most of my pants don't fit me anymore...I can actually wear shirts I couldn't wear before. I fit into my skinny jeans....I'm happy about it. Then some jerk-hole is comparing me to another girl in the cafe at work...I don't think he thought I could hear him...but he basically said he'd never be interested in someone my size, no matter how nice I was, but the other girl (who was a known wretch) he said he'd try and get with her. Ok, I might even understand a little bit if the guy talking wasn't twice if not three times my size. I was so mad! I made it known that I heard him without saying a word. I glared and walked away. I am less insecure about my weight than I was 80lbs ago...but it's people like that that make me so angry.
Shoot, I've got to go.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
In Other News
Ok, after that long post of virtually unedited writing, here is another bout of unedited writing for you. I'm trying to finish this fast. I started writing this at work after having a conversation with a friend over text. The ret has been added in a slight rush to get it posted tonight.
Okay, I need to set goals again. I need to have a vision for up here. I've gotten in this cycle that is comfortable where I make a lot of social plans but outside of that and work, I'm not doing much to finish moving forward with my life. I need to do that. I have ideas and paths I've worked out for myself. I just need to decide which path to take and start figuring out what I need to do. I got into this cycle before and I want to continue growing as well as have fun, work, and generally live my life. I'll keep you all posted on what changes I decide to make and what goals I plan to set.
So after my last post I got a lot of text messages. One of these sparked a long conversation that I'm glad I had. This friend brought up the question, "if you're not in any rush to be in a relationship, why do you always post about it?" I don't think I fully answered her in text, but I figured I could post about it. I really am not in any rush to be in a relationship, though I think subconsciously I miss the feelings associated with being in a relationship. I know it has been a long time, but still...once you know what it feels like to have companionship, it's hard to forget how nice it felt. I had 4 years of companionship and while the messy relationship part I could live without, I miss having that person. The person I could always confide in...someone to share my day with, someone who will empathize with the stresses of my day. I know I miss the physical aspects, having someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or stargaze with. I really miss just laying under the moon and reading with someone. So while I'm not in any rush to find a "boyfriend" I do miss the feelings that come with companionship. The kind that just can't be filled by one of my female friends. I also think part of it is I miss being able to be weak. I just remember always having to be strong and hold my ground, but with that one person I could be completely at ease. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, even though nothing ever happened.
So that was kind of weird...this was where I left off at work...I think I'll decide to leave all of that in this post....I dunno, I just started writing and that all came out I guess. I can't remember where I was going with that, but maybe since since I allowed myself to think about my subconsciousness all of those thoughts came up...because I don't really think a lot about all of that. I don't constantly long for that feeling again. It would be nice to have, but I really never know how things are going to end up. I do know that lately at random times I feel a random emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I can't correlate any of the events quite yet, some things are adding up though.
In other new news...I am racking up the overtime this week. I like that I won't have to worry about finances for the next period. Let's see how things go. I got to listen to one of my calls today and it was weird and very enlightening at the same time. I think it helped a lot to hear myself and I might ask to do it again a few weeks down the road.
shoot....I really need to sleep....more some other time.
Okay, I need to set goals again. I need to have a vision for up here. I've gotten in this cycle that is comfortable where I make a lot of social plans but outside of that and work, I'm not doing much to finish moving forward with my life. I need to do that. I have ideas and paths I've worked out for myself. I just need to decide which path to take and start figuring out what I need to do. I got into this cycle before and I want to continue growing as well as have fun, work, and generally live my life. I'll keep you all posted on what changes I decide to make and what goals I plan to set.
So after my last post I got a lot of text messages. One of these sparked a long conversation that I'm glad I had. This friend brought up the question, "if you're not in any rush to be in a relationship, why do you always post about it?" I don't think I fully answered her in text, but I figured I could post about it. I really am not in any rush to be in a relationship, though I think subconsciously I miss the feelings associated with being in a relationship. I know it has been a long time, but still...once you know what it feels like to have companionship, it's hard to forget how nice it felt. I had 4 years of companionship and while the messy relationship part I could live without, I miss having that person. The person I could always confide in...someone to share my day with, someone who will empathize with the stresses of my day. I know I miss the physical aspects, having someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or stargaze with. I really miss just laying under the moon and reading with someone. So while I'm not in any rush to find a "boyfriend" I do miss the feelings that come with companionship. The kind that just can't be filled by one of my female friends. I also think part of it is I miss being able to be weak. I just remember always having to be strong and hold my ground, but with that one person I could be completely at ease. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, even though nothing ever happened.
So that was kind of weird...this was where I left off at work...I think I'll decide to leave all of that in this post....I dunno, I just started writing and that all came out I guess. I can't remember where I was going with that, but maybe since since I allowed myself to think about my subconsciousness all of those thoughts came up...because I don't really think a lot about all of that. I don't constantly long for that feeling again. It would be nice to have, but I really never know how things are going to end up. I do know that lately at random times I feel a random emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I can't correlate any of the events quite yet, some things are adding up though.
In other new news...I am racking up the overtime this week. I like that I won't have to worry about finances for the next period. Let's see how things go. I got to listen to one of my calls today and it was weird and very enlightening at the same time. I think it helped a lot to hear myself and I might ask to do it again a few weeks down the road.
shoot....I really need to sleep....more some other time.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Epic Post of Epic Length
This was all posted in various times and updated randomly. Forgive the mess, just posting it. lol. the part after the line was all written today.
I haven’t typed one of these up in a while. There is so much to update about and so little time to do it. I’ll do my best…bear with me…feel free to ask questions or for more details. There will be more than one post. I am typing this into word, I do not have internet right now so it is getting hard to post. I didn’t date earlier posts so I’ll try to incorporate them into what I update about.
Job: I love my job. Yes, there are complaints and office politics almost always have some sort of negative to them, but I still love my job. There are some stresses, like if there aren’t enough calls coming in then people get sent home and I’ve been sent home a lot of that. (It is not a reflection of how I am doing, but a reflection of what time I get off, so no worries there) the main issues are me not having enough money and also me not having enough calls to have customers give surveys to so it could effect that.
Other things with work are good. I have gotten 8 call coachings (where they record my call and score me on it. )I passed all but one of them so I’m doing well there. I have had 6 customer surveys and those aren’t going so well because of how they word the questions. The customers will rate me as a 9 on average, but they rate their overall experience in regards to that issue as a lower number. All the ones I got low scored on for the overall process were due to an agent before me. I did everything right but I was fixing a previous agent’s mistake so it hurt me in the end =[
I love my coworkers, I love my manager, I love my hours, and I love what I do. It’s not a dream job or even close to what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I do love it.
Boys: This department could use some work. I think I’ve kind of given up on the guy I like. Not in the sense that I have closed that door…but I think I’ve made myself pretty clear without using neon signs, and either the guy has no guts to say anything or he isn’t interested and I am sticking to my guns that I won’t ask a guy out anymore. To add to that, I keep thinking that the more I get to know him the more I think we’d just be better friends. Oh and if I haven’t explained this before, my reasoning for not asking a guy out anymore is that me asking a guy out has never really worked. Either it hurts me more in the long run (because they say no and then hate me because I asked them and their friends mock them for it…petty….I know); or the guy doesn’t want to tell me no so we date and then it ends after a while when I find out why he said yes or he just stops showing interest; and the third reason is the guy thought that since I asked him out that I’d “give him some” and since I am not asking him out to “give him some” then he realizes this and dumps me.
Lessons to be learned if a guy that likes me ever reads this: (and for my girls who read this and wonder what goes through my mind when I rant)
1) Just because I say yes to a date does not mean I say yes to sex.
2) I don’t date just to have someone to be with…if after a while I don’t think it will go anywhere, I will bring it up…I already wasted 4 years of my life with a guy that didn’t go anywhere and I won’t repeat that. I’d rather end it sooner than keep holding on wishing something would change that won’t.
3) I hug guys. Yes, even when I’m dating someone. I like hugs, high-fives, leaning on people, and a variety of friends of all genders and personality types. This does not mean I cheat. I don’t cheat.
4) I have never and will never hold my dating history or yours against you. I expect the same. My view of all guys does not change because I had a bad experience with one guy. Just because I had a bad experience does not mean I am “broken” and unable to handle a relationship. Don’t think this of me and I’ll give you the same courtesy. I learn from my mistakes and I don’t let them bring me down.
5) Have some guts to ask me out if you are interested. I will not treat you differently if you ask me and I am not interested. I am still friends with all of my ex-boyfriends, even the one that cheated on me with my best friend. I do not just say this, I hold myself to it. I do not think it is wrong, I do not think it tempts me to cheat, if it didn’t work before, it won’t work later so why lose a great friend over it?
Oh there are probably more for that list, but I’ll stop there.
Friends: I have been hanging out a lot with so many different people and I love it. Gaming, beach trip, random rendezvous, etc. I am sort of getting tired of people raining on my parade though, whining that I never see them saying they want to see me and then not showing it. Here is another list for the friends out there, lol. (this list will be the last time I say some of this, just because I’m tired of making the same rant. If people can’t get it, I’ll stop trying.)
1) Don’t tell me you want to see me or hang out with me just to make me feel loved; I don’t need the false advertisement. I am really not in dire need of friends, I don’t pride myself on how many friends I have, I pride myself on how strong my friendships are.
2) Don’t expect me to always come to you, ESPECIALLY if you never come to see me. For my Salem friends, if I just drove to Salem, you could have the decency to meet me somewhere that will help keep it convenient for me. I try to see a lot of people when I come down to Salem and if everyone expects me to come to them, I’m going to stop it. I can’t afford it, I can barely afford my trips to Salem much less having to drive all the way out south and then back or way out east when my meetings are downtown or West Salem. Just because I bridged the 50-mile gap does not mean it all of a sudden becomes convenient for me to drive everywhere. And I do see some people every time I come and that is because they either live or work in or close to downtown so that IS convenient.
3) WE don’t have to see each other to be friends. One of my closest friends is in Australia and I’ve never met her. I know I grew up with a lot of people and I make a lot of friends, but the best ones will still be there even when lives get busy, paths separate, etc.
4) Do not, I repeat, do not make me feel bad for hanging out with my other friends. I am so tired of this and I’m tired of repeating this as well. If I post about how much fun I had with so and so, BE HAPPY FOR ME! Do not say “OH why didn’t you invite me?”, Or “when are you going to hang out with me?” I hate this. DO NOT make me feel bad for living my life. It’s a two-way street, it looks like there is construction on your side and if it keeps up, I might just make my side into a dead end.
Again, probably more to be there, but ah well…next topic.
Home life: My roommate is the best I’ve had. I am not just saying that because she reads this. We have our struggles, but the struggles we have are simple compared to any I’ve had before. And unless she isn’t telling me something, our issues are normal and to be expected with different personalities under the same roof. It’s weird for me though. I’m not used to having a roommate that is my best friend. We do hang out more now than we ever have, but I still feel bad sometimes because I came up here and jumped into a bunch of groups and meet-ups, our schedules are opposite and when I get home from work I’m always tired and she has done so much around the house and I’m all zombie-Samwise…I’m surprised she hasn’t murdered me in my sleep or blown up at me yet. Blah. Paranoia and anxiety has set in.
TIIIIIRED……Must go to bed now.
____________________________________________________
Ok, now I’m just gonna write about topics as I think of them and keep adding more. I don’t know when the internet will get fixed at my apartment but I’m hoping it is soon.
So I had a semi-short conversation with Sara and I feel much better about our situation. I know I need to stop letting my anxiety get the best of me.
I got so stressed I cried at work today. It isn’t really crying, my eyes just got all watery because I was frustrated. I basically got told that the reason I can’t move up is because of things I can’t really control. I am going to try my best to fix it, but there is no guarantee. I got an hour of overtime today but today was so fast paced all of my breaks turned into unpaid work conversations and I was ok with that but I didn’t get to bug Jem and then when I was able to bug him, he was busy. Tomorrow is another day. I do like my job and I'm not just saying this, just voicing my stresses so In don't bottle them in.
I need to get better at scheduling. I am really bad at it. I plan too many things and then I forget and have to cancel on people. I don’t do it a lot, but twice in a month is too much for me. I also want to balance my schedule and give myself time to clean, time to relax, and time to have fun. I just need a planner, but one I will actually use. That is an explanation for another time.
Next on the agenda, I’m thinking of getting a bike to ride around instead of drive everywhere. I’ll start by riding to work and back and work up my muscles again, but I loved riding before and the only thing in my way is my lack of a bicycle. I think I need to fix this.
I want to post this and I’ll work on updating the rest; hopefully by the end of the night but maybe not until later this week.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Passion
I'm feeling passion towards something again, this is good. I feel like I can do something and I don't feel the doubt I normally feel. I feel fierce!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Brain Vomit
Okay, my brain is going to throw up all over this, and if there are repeats from the past, so be it.
This last week was a zombie week. I was too nice and gave rides to my coworkers. one was ok, the other was just too far. I am no longer giving him rides for the sake of my own sanity. My apartment got messier than I've ever had it before and I disgusted myself. I'm surprised Sara didn't get angry at me, I would have. It is all clean now, at least the kitchen anyway. My goal this week is to move all of my books to the bookshelves so I can finally use my dresser for clothes like it is intended for.
Work. Work is its own entity. I do like my job a lot, it has it's ups and downs, but all in all I do really like my job. I have awesome coworkers and they have been easy to jump in and be friends with. I care a lot less about what people think of me, and if they aren't open and honest with me, they have no reason to be upset. I don't go out and upset people, but if I am unintentionally doing something that annoys someone, thay can't be upset if they never tell me it annoys them, so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I really want to go on a drive. Just get in a car and go. No destination and no plan, just GO. Make decisions as I get there and see where the road takes me. I might get to go with Matt because he has this whole week off, but I don't want to monopolize his whole week. lol. I think we've already planned a gaming day and a mini golf day. a Dr Who marathon was mentioned but who knows hahaha.....this is kinda finny now. Either way, I want to go on a drive, I want a partner in crime who can also contribute for gas. lol. <3
On to other things.....I am so happy lately. Happy and growing. I love my life currently and I don't see it changing for the worse. This is new for me and I hope this change lasts. I like smiling and that muscle is hurting less because I'm doing it more. I couldn't have imagined myself in a better place.
To all of you who have helped me get to this point, to those who have helped save my life in the most literal sense, to those who have been there for me when I was going through the hardest times, I thank you. To those who have been there and helped without knowing, to those who can make me laugh with a poke, to those who give hugs that make me cry, I thank you as well. I have had so many people support me through my life. Some people I've had to cut out because they can't stop seeing me as the homeless girl or the girl who is always in need. To those that have allowed their view of me to grow as I have grown, to those who help me find the laughter in my stress, and most of all, to those who helped me up when I fell down...To all of these people, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
For my post about today, today was AMAZING. Yesterday was just as AMAZING. Yesterday I felt bad that I woke up late, but the beach was amazing. No sun-burn this time either. Went into the ocean until waves toppled me over, freezing but fun! Played board games and I almost beat Aaron. It was also fun to see Jem do poorly because he is usually more skillful than I am. Playing resistance while driving is fun, yet I was at a disadvantage. Then I went shopping with Mariona and Sabrina, finally got to spend money on me and get clothes that I like. I bought a dress too.
More on today, I wore the dress I bought yesterday, I worked in the doughnut hole with Matt and it was fun. Then we went to the picnic, I threw a football with a group from our young adult study, and then went on swings with matt. Sat in the shade/sun and watched volleyball. It was relaxing. My whole weekend has been uber relaxing. To top it all off, came home, cleaned, had Matt, Adam, and Dan over to play games and have dinner. We made them enchiladas and salad. Found out some very interesting facts about the three of them, it was just fun altogether.
Now to end the post with pictures:
me in the dress I got =]
Matt, Sara and I at the church picnic.
This last week was a zombie week. I was too nice and gave rides to my coworkers. one was ok, the other was just too far. I am no longer giving him rides for the sake of my own sanity. My apartment got messier than I've ever had it before and I disgusted myself. I'm surprised Sara didn't get angry at me, I would have. It is all clean now, at least the kitchen anyway. My goal this week is to move all of my books to the bookshelves so I can finally use my dresser for clothes like it is intended for.
Work. Work is its own entity. I do like my job a lot, it has it's ups and downs, but all in all I do really like my job. I have awesome coworkers and they have been easy to jump in and be friends with. I care a lot less about what people think of me, and if they aren't open and honest with me, they have no reason to be upset. I don't go out and upset people, but if I am unintentionally doing something that annoys someone, thay can't be upset if they never tell me it annoys them, so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I really want to go on a drive. Just get in a car and go. No destination and no plan, just GO. Make decisions as I get there and see where the road takes me. I might get to go with Matt because he has this whole week off, but I don't want to monopolize his whole week. lol. I think we've already planned a gaming day and a mini golf day. a Dr Who marathon was mentioned but who knows hahaha.....this is kinda finny now. Either way, I want to go on a drive, I want a partner in crime who can also contribute for gas. lol. <3
On to other things.....I am so happy lately. Happy and growing. I love my life currently and I don't see it changing for the worse. This is new for me and I hope this change lasts. I like smiling and that muscle is hurting less because I'm doing it more. I couldn't have imagined myself in a better place.
To all of you who have helped me get to this point, to those who have helped save my life in the most literal sense, to those who have been there for me when I was going through the hardest times, I thank you. To those who have been there and helped without knowing, to those who can make me laugh with a poke, to those who give hugs that make me cry, I thank you as well. I have had so many people support me through my life. Some people I've had to cut out because they can't stop seeing me as the homeless girl or the girl who is always in need. To those that have allowed their view of me to grow as I have grown, to those who help me find the laughter in my stress, and most of all, to those who helped me up when I fell down...To all of these people, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
For my post about today, today was AMAZING. Yesterday was just as AMAZING. Yesterday I felt bad that I woke up late, but the beach was amazing. No sun-burn this time either. Went into the ocean until waves toppled me over, freezing but fun! Played board games and I almost beat Aaron. It was also fun to see Jem do poorly because he is usually more skillful than I am. Playing resistance while driving is fun, yet I was at a disadvantage. Then I went shopping with Mariona and Sabrina, finally got to spend money on me and get clothes that I like. I bought a dress too.
More on today, I wore the dress I bought yesterday, I worked in the doughnut hole with Matt and it was fun. Then we went to the picnic, I threw a football with a group from our young adult study, and then went on swings with matt. Sat in the shade/sun and watched volleyball. It was relaxing. My whole weekend has been uber relaxing. To top it all off, came home, cleaned, had Matt, Adam, and Dan over to play games and have dinner. We made them enchiladas and salad. Found out some very interesting facts about the three of them, it was just fun altogether.
Now to end the post with pictures:
me in the dress I got =]
Matt, Sara and I at the church picnic.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Up Up and Away
The title says it all. My life just keeps moving up. Day by day I am so much more thankful that I moved away from Salem. I still miss people, and I will still go down, but I don't think it was ever really home to me. I went back there and thought about it and realized that I didn't feel homesick when I was there. Beaverton feels more like home and I haven't even been here that long.
I am also happier with the people I've met up here. I know I've mentioned the gaming group, but I just can't believe that I met such an amazing group of people the same week I moved up here. It has shaped my life up here dramatically and started the upward spiral of happiness in my life. Also, I am grateful that Pastor Michael suggested churches that we should try and the first one we tried is Epic and I am glad we started there. Though Sara and my schedule don't mesh well together, they will hopefully allow us to go to church together soon. This sunday I work in the Doughnut hole with Matt. We pass out doughnuts to the congregation. I am excited. I am hoping to meet a bunch of new people even if I don't remember them all, I think doing the Doughnut hole will help get me to be more outgoing at the church. It is also a way for me to serve the church while I'm waiting for my 6 month mark so I can do children's ministry and then hopefully jr high youthgroup.
more to be posted, but I've gotta run. this is a teaser =]
and a picture to leave it off. beach trip with a bunch of my new friends and one old great friend =]
I am also happier with the people I've met up here. I know I've mentioned the gaming group, but I just can't believe that I met such an amazing group of people the same week I moved up here. It has shaped my life up here dramatically and started the upward spiral of happiness in my life. Also, I am grateful that Pastor Michael suggested churches that we should try and the first one we tried is Epic and I am glad we started there. Though Sara and my schedule don't mesh well together, they will hopefully allow us to go to church together soon. This sunday I work in the Doughnut hole with Matt. We pass out doughnuts to the congregation. I am excited. I am hoping to meet a bunch of new people even if I don't remember them all, I think doing the Doughnut hole will help get me to be more outgoing at the church. It is also a way for me to serve the church while I'm waiting for my 6 month mark so I can do children's ministry and then hopefully jr high youthgroup.
more to be posted, but I've gotta run. this is a teaser =]
and a picture to leave it off. beach trip with a bunch of my new friends and one old great friend =]
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